A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex was in jail for a year. I never cheated on him, and never lied. I met someone during that time, and told him I couldn't deal with the jail thing anymore. We ended on bittersweet terms, and lost contact.I kept all his letters/drawings/poems. I never stopped loving him, even though I've been unhappily married to that "someone" for 8 years. I am currently in the divorce process.I have been trying to locate my ex since I let him go. It took me 8 years to find him. We sent a few general emails back and forth, and I asked him if we could talk sometime. He said yes and gave me cell #. Of course, he is married now...I don't want to cause his wife pain. However, I also don't want to die without telling him how I feel, especially now that I found him. I feel I have to keep it bottled inside, just like I have for 8 years.Is there anyway to disclose my feelings to him without messing up his marriage?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I think it was 'selfish' of you to contact him and keep in contact after knowing his marital status. Not fair on his wife. She is innocent so please do not play any games. Also waiting for his marriage to be destroyed is also not on.People come into our lives for a reason, a season ....hun, your season is over. Read about the anguish cheating causes. Read about the emotional betrayals here on DC, don't become a third party in his marriage. Please leave well alone. Don't become the OW, in any form. I am sorry your marriage has ended but please allow his wife to make a home with him. Remember you chose not to wait for him. He has now made a life with someone else.I know you are hurting but spare a thought for his wife.Good luck in your future.LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:
He complimented me on my eyes ("who could forget those eyes")...I didn't respond to that flirty gesture.
I only said in my reply "I'm glad you found happiness. She--his wife--really is beautiful."
I left it at that and feel triumphant that I didn't give in to the temptation to cause waves. Woohoo!
Good luck to all you who are confronted with the same...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(Just to get it out of my system, I'm going to type it here: ...as much I want to tell him I still care, "just in case" the marriage doesn't last, I don't want to give him reasons to end it. Then I wonder, if he even would consider me again, with my disclosure, does that signal relationship problems that were there anyway?)Whew, ok, that's out of my system!Anyway, the last time I emailed him was 2 days ago (a day before I even posted my original question). In the message, I only said his wife was pretty and asked if they children.I never did tell him how I felt, and am glad I didn't. (Thank goodness for this site!) And I don't feel like I'm a selfish person for feeling the way I did about him. He was my best friend, who turned into my first love.Yes, I will keep his memoirs. Yes, I will always love him. I am giving him the chance to be happy with his new love.I'm going to bide my time and focus on my life goals. If we are meant to be, and he is legally free (having nothing to do with my interference)--he has my email info and my cell#.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cried myself to sleep when I found out he was married. On the other hand, I always wanted him to be happy. So, the tears are out, and I've abandoned the desire to tell him how I have felt for 8 years....
Ok, here comes the controversial question: can we be just simply non-sexual, non-mushy memory discussing friends?
We were friends before we dated. Can we at least get that back?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Sorry but the answer is no - no good can come of telling him how you feel. You are only wanting to tell him for purely selfish reasons - you want to get it off your chest so you feel better. But it will only end up badly if you do say anything, there are only 2 outcomes if you tell him and they are:
1. He will tell you he doesnt feel the same and he is happily married, leaving you hurt and rejected
2. It will cause problems in his marriage, where he either embarks on an affair with you or breaks up his family for you.
Neither option is a good one, so really I do suggest you leave him well alone. He is a married man, and therefore you have to accept that you had your chance with him but now the time has passed for you to be together. He has a new life, with a woman he clearly loves enough to make his vows to be with her until death parts them.
I do understand how you feel, I really do and I know how hard it is not to tell the man you love how you feel. You want to shout it from the rooftops, and have everyone know just how much you think of him. And most of all, you want him to know that he is the most wonderful man you have ever met, and all you want him to know is that someone will love him for the rest of your life.
So you think it is a selfless act, because you dont want anything to happen because of it, you just purely want him to know that no matter what happens in life, you will always love him. But if you look deeper, you will see what is really happening.
You are going through a divorce therefore you are lonely, hurt and angry that your marriage has broken down. You chose your ex-husband over this man, and you regret this decision. You have chanelled all your residual anger and resentment from your marriage into finding this man - all your energy and focus has been on him, only to find that he is married.
So the only reason you want to tell him how you feel is because he was your only ray of hope in a dark time - during your divorce finding him has been the only thing to keep you going. And now you have found him you want to justify your search by telling him how you feel, even though you know it will be totally fruitless.
I know it will be hard but you have to accept that no good can come of telling him your feelings, and as much as it will feel good for you not to be bottling something up anymore, it will be far better to allow these feelings to remain for now and then slowly fade away, rather than potentially destroying a happy marriage.
Imagine if it were the other way around - with you married happily to a lovely guy, and then all of a sudden an ex of his turns up after 8 years declaring her undying love - you would probably think she is a bit mad and wonder what possessed her to try and come between a man and his wife.
So do the right thing, keep quiet and dont keep in touch with this man. Your time with him has passed, and you are just going to have to accept that he belongs to someone else now therefore your feelings are irrelevant. Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Take some comfort in that, and move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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