A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I've been with my boyfriend just under 4 years we have a 17 month old daughter and have just moved in together the problem is I didn't realise how lazy he is he goes to work and admits he does nothing comes home I have tea ready I sort the kids out I have a 9 yr old daughter from a previous relationship then by the time I'm sorted I'm worn out and ready for bed all the time I'm busy tidying house cooking and sorting kids out he either goes to his mates or sits playing on his Xbox or taking his dog for a walk he does absolutely nothing and goes in a mood cos he hates mornings this happens every day I'm beginning to feel really fed up and used if I try to talk to him about it he says I'm nagging and gives me the silent treatment what do I do thank you
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 He sounds very immature. If he is not listening to you well then stop cooking him dinner. Don't do anything for him until he starts helping you. Don't do his washing or ironing, nothing. If he does not change I would suggest a trial separation, ask him to go and live somewhere else where he can look after himself. He is only lazy because he gets away with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): Stop doing his washing. If he leaves a mess then leave that mess where it is.
My teen daughter was so bad that I told her I was not prepared to make her bed for her. I left the new sheets folded ready for her to make her own bed.
She chose to sleep on her bed without sheets.
I showed her how to operate the washing machine and told her she was responsible for her own washing.
At first even that did not work either. She is stubborn.
When I told her to pick up the clothing on her floor and tidy her bedroom she picked all the clothing up and dumped it on the laundry floor.
So I picked all her things up and dumped them all back on her bedroom floor. I left a note on her bedroom door explaining why.
She arrived home and was accompanied by her two friends They expressed shock at the state of her bedroom. They shamed her into cleaning up her room. Together they made the bed. Better result than I expected.
I told her that next time she chose to be so untidy that she would lose the right to some things she likes to do or have.
She no longer is so untidy.
I think the fact that her friends made such fuss about the state of her bedroom was enough.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 Btw, just stop making tea for him and dinner for him etc. Get that list of tasks done. When he's done all his tasks, he gets the tea and dinner etc. If he doesn't do his part, and YOU end up having to do it instead, then he loses his privileges. If he leaves mess around the house, don't clean it up, just throw it in a pile designated for his mess. Let him look through his "mess pile" every time he needs something. Have this mess pile placed out of sight, such as in hi closet, on his side of the bed, or in his closet.
Same goes for dirty dishes. Don't clean them for him, he does them himself, or you leave them on his side of the bed. This is the way lazy room-mates are raised. You place their shit where it belongs and don't lift a finger to do it for them. Start buying paper plates and plastic cups, and then lock these plates and cups in your own closet so he can't get to them.
I know, it sounds childish, but if he acts like a child and thinks like a child, then you need to treat him like a child and get the point clear across to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): Did your boyfriend have his own place before he moved in, or did he live with his parents? Is he a divorcee, or does he have an ex?
If he has always had women taking care of the house, he was never taught how to contribute to housekeeping and childcare. His mother did it, and probably all of his girlfriends; or an ex-wife. Many women just do it, and expect nothing more from him.
You have to tell him you expect his help; or you want him to move out. You have no choice but to keep the house clean and orderly for your kids and yourself. You have no say in your domestic situation; and had to have known what his housekeeping habits were like before moving in with him.
You do not live with men who offer no assistance or contribution to childcare, paying the bills, and the housekeeping. You just don't.
All the nagging in the world isn't going to turn a lazy slob into Mr. Clean; and you knew who you were dealing with before you decided to have another child, and move in with him. No one on this site really knows him or why he feels you should do it all alone; but it is safe to speculate that you wanted him in your life; and thought he would adapt to domestic-life. It's the right thing to do; and because you expected him to. You figured he'd change.
My dear, before committing and moving-in with people; you have to know them. You have to know what kind of background they have, their habits, pet peeves, and their personal habits. Like screening a roommate, you make sure your housemate has a full understanding that everything necessary to run a household is to be shared. If you spoiled him by assuming the role of housekeeper, cook, and nanny; he's thinking old-school, and figures that's what women are for.
We can tell you to sit-down and talk , do this and that.
If he has no such upbringing or values to believe he is supposed to help you run the house and take care of kids; he is going to dump it all on you. He's immature and there is no way this behavior wasn't apparent before he became a dad and make-believe husband. Everything you expect of him is like a husband's role, and he is showing you that isn't what he is, or intends to be.
What's the remedy? Ask for help, or throw him out; and get legal child-support.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2016):
How old is he?
I don't think there is much to do, he sounds immature and not like he will ever step up, if you ask me. If a kid wasn't enough to get him to grow up and take responsibility, then I don't know what will. Maybe he needs a few more years to grow into it.
Or, since you are already playing "mom" to him, how about you do it 100% now that you're at it. Give him chores. Tell him flat out he needs to do his chores, or he needs to move out.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 I think you’re doing a great job… taking pride in your home, tending to the children, having Tea ready and nagging his lazy arse to help around the place.
But let’s look at the nagging; now if these men were so dang smart they’d realise the quickest way to shut up a nag (me included) is to take care of their responsibilities in the chores department as grown men do without being asked 10 times over. The results would be; chores done – Nag quiet – leisure time – not tied for sex – wake up happy?
I believe nagging is a result of their defiance to do good, cooperate and respect your wishes. These men make women nag?
It’s like a child rebelling against his mother when he’s told to clean up his room. A responsibility he would have learned to prepare him for adulthood; making him a considerate cooperative individual for his wife to be.
His silent treatment (passive aggressive) is again acting like a child whose sulking … GROW UP mate!
You’re best luck would be to discuss this issue of help around the house, be it bathing his daughter while you cook Tea, wash the dishes, and bring the laundry in or whatever is needed to lighten your day to make you and him a happy couple.
He has to commit to these chores and make good habits of them so they became natural to him, which means he doesn’t get nagged anymore.
It’s a wise woman to nip this lazy behaviour in a man in the bud, also include the little ones to help around the place… it wont hurt them to play along :)
All the best – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I think you’re doing a great job… taking pride in your home, tending to the children, having Tea ready and nagging his lazy arse to help around the place. But let’s look at the nagging; now if these men were so dang smart they’d realise the quickest way to shut up a nag (me included) is to take care of their responsibilities in the chores department as grown men do without being asked 10 times over. The results would be; chores done – Nag quiet – leisure time – not tied for sex – wake up happy?I believe nagging is a result of their defiance to do good, cooperate and respect your wishes. These men make women nag? It’s like a child rebelling against his mother when he’s told to clean up his room. A responsibility he would have learned to prepare him for adulthood; making him a considerate cooperative individual for his wife to be.His silent treatment (passive aggressive) is again acting like a child whose sulking … GROW UP mate! You’re best luck would be to discuss this issue of help around the house, be it bathing his daughter while you cook Tea, wash the dishes, and bring the laundry in or whatever is needed to lighten your day to make you and him a happy couple. He has to commit to these chores and make good habits of them so they became natural to him, which means he doesn’t get nagged anymore. It’s a wise woman to nip this lazy behaviour in a man in the bud, also include the little ones to help around the place… it wont hurt them to play along :)You're doing at great job.All the best – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Make a list of what needs done, give him half. Tell him to man up or move out. You don't need a 3rd child (him).
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