A
female
age
30-35,
*olly1425
writes:Hello so I got into a relationship with an older male and we were together for a year in which time he moved in with me and I fell pregnant. However, I started to get my suspicions that he was still sleeping with his ex towards the end of the relationship which lasted around a year. He told me he was leaving me because he needed to be with his children so he was moving back to his exes. However, shortly after I gave birth to our child he started coming to visit and sleeping with me begin his exes back. He then left his ex and we started having a relationship again. This time round seems so much better and I know currently nothing is going on behind my back however, I now worry that due to having other women on the go through other relationships it will only be a matter of time before he gets bored and wants other people on the go again. How can I learn to trust him or am I just setting myself up to get hurt ???
View related questions:
his ex, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): You are very young, so I understand your perception of things. Giving you passwords means nothing, since messages can be deleted instantly; and completely wiped away without a trace. He can see her whenever he likes. His kids happen to live with her.
Bear in mind, he had the nerve to see his ex behind your back. She has his first set of kids; and she somehow still seems to have influence over his feelings. She can manipulate him with the fear of losing access to his children; and having another child might seem great to you. I venture to guess, it was more your idea than his. It won't necessarily make him want to stay with you. Right now, you can count on his guilt to keep him temporarily in-line.
There isn't much good to say about men making babies all over the place; and not committing in marriage to give his kids a birthright, his name, financial-security, and a stable home environment.
He has more history with his last relationship, yet you claim your child was planned. You'll have a hard time convincing a man of my experience that he wants to start a whole new brood; when he is uncertain of how his ex will behave knowing he is being pulled away from the children he already has. It will be a constant tug of war. As, it is right now. She will demand more money, and break his back.
She will increase the baby-mama drama, for sure.
I don't think you're going to find too many men willing and able to support two families simultaneously; and you are very naive to think so. Not even the wealthiest men like being spread so thin; and paying child-support for children they don't live with, and can't see whenever they wish.
Not to mention holding such high financial responsibility for child-support; and still maintaining a suitable lifestyle for himself. All the while, with no marital contract. The reality is, he can come and go as he pleases. Even vanish.
No one here can tell you what to do with your life; these are your choices to make, and the consequences are yours to deal with. The advice we give isn't always to one individual; many do benefit who may share a similar situation. Many readers share your story. We have somewhat planted a seed of wisdom in your brain, and you will see the logic in what we've offered you over time. You need more experience and time to mature yourself; before having more children. Just an observation.
The school of hard-knocks has taught many young single mothers that the problem isn't giving birth to children. Giving them a loving father willing to be in their lives until they're able to fend for themselves, having a pair of parents who actually live together. The benefit of seeing two people setting an example of what it is to commit to each other; and raise a family together is rare for kids these days. I mean actually married, and willing to make it work.
It's not about breeding and just birthing babies. I'm talking about love, security, and stability within a family unit. That is what you owe them for bringing them into this world.
A
female
reader, holly1425 +, writes (23 May 2016):
holly1425 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so it was me that posted this question looking for advice however, it seems I may not have worded things the best since he has come back he has been so different I have his passwords for everything and I know as a fact nothing is going on behind my back. I never had a baby to trap him we planned the baby and were both very happy when I found out I was pregnant. As for the person who posted a reply discussing STDs I have been tested after what happened with the relationship last time and have been given the all clear. If we choose to have another baby that is down to us and until or if we do decide we want another baby I am well aware I need to use birth control. Last time we where in a relationship things were very up and down but this time is going so much better if anything I fear that it is me that has the issues with bringing up the past and searching for problems that do not exist therefore creating them in my own mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
I think you are making the presumption that you somehow need to be the one doing ALL the work to make things work with this guy. When in fact NOTHING you can do will incline him to stay WITH you, if he sees greener grass.
YOU have already shown him that you don't value yourself all that much. That he can play the yo-yo game with YOU and the EX. And then you were (sorry for being blunt here) UNWISE to have a child with him on top of everything else. And I also wonder if this pregnancy was something you thought would MAKE him be with you. Which IMHO is totally flawed logic. If he has kids with the ex and LEFT you for these kids (mainly, according to him) then how is it logical for him to leave THOSE kids for YOUR kid?
1. MAKE sure you are on birth-control and honestly DEMAND he uses a condom EVERY time as well. YOU DO NOT need to make any more babies. And with him sleeping around you also put yourself in the line of STD's/STI's. NO more unprotected sex.
2. You can't trust this guy 100% ever again. It's not going to happen.
Guys don't like to feel trapped. (women somehow seem to suck that up a LOT more than men). And "your" guy is trapped by BOTH of you with these kids. Which means it won't be hard for him to find an excuse to leave you BOTH and date someone without kids. And leave YOU and your child high and dry. Now HE can't BLAME you two for getting pregnant, he was without doubt a VERY willing participant, but guess what? He doesn't HAVE to stick around and raise ANY of these children.
I think YOUR focus should be on YOU and YOUR child and miking your life the BEST that you can. And WHEN you are ready again for a partner, choose someone who want to be with you and only you.
And get the child maintenance sorted out now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I wonder if you had a child to keep him, or get him back knowing he was going back to his ex for the sake of his kids?
Was he with her when you first started dating, or did he start dating you shortly after breaking-up with her? He will repeat the cycle of going back and forth. You know he will. Both of you are using children as your hold on him.
How this usually works-out? He dumps the both of you, and may get legal visitation rights. He'll fall in-love with someone with no kids. He will never marry either of you. He's trapped. You may perceive it to be better, but you can't read his mind. You can only hope he cares for you as much as he cares for his kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, agonyaunt12343 +, writes (21 May 2016):
it seems to me your just setting yourself up to get hurt again,i know you must love this man deeply but as hes done it before whats to say he wont do it again?
but theres allways a chance he wont,go with your gut instinct on this one girl x
...............................
|
