A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for 3.5 years and we recently broke up. The peculiar thing is that I’m not experiencing the feelings that are commonly associated with a break-up, (daily crying, no sleep, etc.) I don’t know if this is because I’m really over him or just because this isn’t the first time we broke up and I may have reached the number of times I can cry over him, as Carrie from SATC said, “there are a certain amount of tears allotted for each relationship.” I broke up with him because I felt like I wasn’t the priority. We live 5 hours apart and the distance has been killing us. He is constantly putting work first, even though he works with his father! I understand that solidifying your career is important, but to what extent is it normal? There was a point in our relationship where he did not drive down too see me for 4 months! I had to drive up to see him. After that period I got so fed up that I ended it and we didn’t speak for over a week. He had been talking to our mutual friends and was a complete mess and after about a week he drove down and begged me to take him back, which I did. He promised that he’d never put work first and that he’d come down once a month and suggested that I too come up and visit him once a month so that it’s fare to the both of us. He was wonderful for three months, came down a lot, sent me cards and flowers, but a few weeks ago he had major problems with his work and cancelled coming down on three separate occasions. I was obviously hurt and felt let down and he argued that I had to understand and be supportive of his career, especially since he’s been trying for the past three months to make everything right between us. Let me specify why I was so upset, I was going in for an out-patient medical procedure, and he swore that he’d be by my side. This is the third time he’s promised to be by my side when I had this procedure done and the third time he had to bail because he had work commitments. This to me is inexcusable! When people are truly in love don’t they put their significant other first? Don’t they have the desire to be with them when they are sick? Once again I told him my thoughts and he had the nerve to call me a baby! That was the last straw for me and I ended it right then and there. He’s a wonderful person, but I’ve just never felt like his first priority, it was always his job and I constantly had doubts about our relationship. He always said that he wants to marry me, but that he wasn’t ready just yet and that in a year he would be….that was another huge part in our break-up (although I didn’t mention that to him). If you’re relationship is suffering because of the long distance then getting engaged and moving in together would be the logical solution, right? I don’t know if breaking up was the rational/correct thing to do. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I think you did the right thing and agree it would be better to find someone nearer home. And that person should have enough time for you and make you top priority. Otherwise what is the point, if you want someone to not be bothered about you there are plenty of those out in the street! You are worth better.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (15 October 2010):
You did the right thing. 5 hours is a pretty long distance to drive to see your significant other. It's not something you can do every weekend, and any weekend you do do it, it's tough because it's long and tiring and at the end of a day of work (if he leaves Friday). And there's not much time to spend with each other, a day or a day and a half.
That's why I hate LDRs. They're too hard to maintain, and if they start out as LDRs, or are LDRs for too long, people move in too quickly or move across the country to be with someone, and then it often fails because enough time wasn't spent dating. It either stays distant or jumps from distant to too close.
You made the right choice. Next time date someone in your city.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): My dad did not accompany my mom and went to work while she gave birth to me. They are still in love with each other a lot after 26 years of marriage. I think understanding is the key.
Maybe your guy is trying hard to build a career before moving on to the next stage of the relationship, so he can provide you with a good life in the future when you two move in together. Also, as you said, he's dealing with major problems with work, I think you should try to understand him too. He must has put in much effort in his career and cannot risk losing it and probably he is building this career for you too, so blaming him will get him really frustrated. I guess he hopes you can be with him too and give him support like you hope he did.
Of course you have every right to be upset too, but try to understand him too and calmly talk to him without blaming him, it will only cause fights.
hope that things will be sorted out for you soon. :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2010):
This failed not because of work, but because it was long distance and just couldn't cope with it. You were too far apart with too many other commitments to make it work. If you'd lived in the same town, or just an hour or so apart, work excuses wouldn't have cut it. But realistically it's too hard to drop work, then travel for 5 hours, only to find you have to immediately come back to work. This was just not going to work because the distance was too much. And sadly getting engaged and moving in isn't the answer to the troubles of an LDR either. You didn't spend enough time together, and didn't know each other well enough to make a commitment like that. It failed because of the distance, pure and simple. So, in future, I'd advise against LDR's. They just often don't make it.
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