A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i am married for over 6 years now and have 1 child. its been 2 years now that one day i have checked his mobile out of curiousity and seen a msg sent by him to her saying 'ok.kisses everywhere'. i have discussed this with him and claimed that it was just a silly msg without any meaning. i know they are close friends and he knows i do not like him being friends with her. we had a fight many times over this. however, he said to me that he will not accept me telling him with whom he shall be friends with since he knows i would never accept a friendship with a woman. he claims she is ok with him and works with her a lot, he cannot just stop being friends because i dont like her. i can sense (and really hope, that is)he did not do anything with her. BUT, he is close with her and i believe they like each other. there is a flirt between them i guess, but i cannot accept this. facts: 1. my husband tells all his secrets to that woman, including the fact that i do not like her. (he told me that) 2. in my presence i did not hear any call from her to him or vise versa, 3. when we meet in a public place they just say hi and a few words only... even though they claim that they are really close friends 4. he has a pswd on his mob 5. when he had a surgery she did not call at all, at least when i was there. 6. most of the times he takes her side. question: if its just a close friendship why do they afraid to call each other? and how on earth his closest friend did not call at all when he had a surgery (at least when i was there). if there is nothing between them, i wonder, how easy you can say to your 'just' friend 'you know my wife doesnt like you so dont call, dont talk to me so much etc? to have the courage to say to a female friend not to call or write that means that there is something going on.need to mention that he did not show any other signs. he is never late at work. he is always home, plays football, no nights out etc, we have a great sex life etc. please help me and advise me on how to handle this. am i over reacting? am i too jealous?thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): If you sense something isn't right it's because it's not. My advice is to act like it's no big deal and watch carefully. If he's cheating more signs will appear. If you freak out and he is cheating he will just be more careful. At this time I say sit back and watch closely. If he is innocent then you won't find anymore little cuties like this. If he is cheating you will start finding more and more. Be patient and just watch. In the meantime be the best wife possible. Don't give him a reason to want anyone else. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): your hbs behaviour is inappropriate with this other woman. he even tells her all your family/marriage secrets no doubt. by being her close friend and confidant he is having an emotional affair with her, he can dress it however he wants but he is too close/involved with her. they may not have crossed the line sexually (yet??) but plse do not be fooled inot a false sense of security with regard to the importance she has in your hb's life.
just because you are unaware of any communication during his hospital stay doesn't mean that they had not been in contact. you may not have much tell tale signs that something is going on, but plse trust your instinct. it is seldom wrong. you need to be more observant and more alert than normal. your hb may be covering his tracks a bit too much- almost sqeaky clean record, but something is amiss.
there was nothing wrong with checking his phone. plse continue to do so in future. if there is a threat in your marriage, then you need to eliminate this. do not let your hb fool you into believing that nothing is going on. something is, you just cannot identify it/ put your finger on it right now.
so yes, plse snoop and do not let him get away with this affair of the heart. this other woman is creeping into your marriage and your foundation of your marriage is being threatened. so fight for what is yours. even if it means the gloves come off and you fight dirty. after all no one else is willing to protect your marriage, especially not your hb, so you might as well give it your best shot.
plse do not underestimate this friendship /affair/ business association. do not be a doormat anymore. kick up a fuss and tell your man to clean up his act. there are currently 3 people in this marriage and you should know the moment a third force is present, problems/ cracks start appearing. in your marriage this is evident.
good luck
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A
male
reader, Harry Castle  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Anonymous, YES, I do believe that we should all have some private space.I would not dream of opening my wife's handbag, let alone looking inside and nor would she contemplate going through my pockets.I don't have anything to hide and I assume she doesn't either, but it's about respect and personal space.Cell phone messages are PRIVATE correspondence, and this man was entitled to have his privacy respected.OK, I know he DID have something to hide, seemingly, but by the questioner's own admission, there are no other outward signs of a liaison: men can have platonic relationships too, you know - I have several, and we are definitely just friends.Do I hide them?YES, of course I do, for just this reason - suspicious minds! An inch of discretion is worth a mile of non-earache!Now, you cynical people will automatically think there's more to it than I am claiming, but, sincerely, there isn't.Men CAN be innocent, I promise........Harry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Oh Harry, do you honestly believe that two people in a marraige should not have the right to look at each others; phones?
There's nothing to hide in a marraige.. nothign personal like that.. you share a bed, bank account, shower, tooth brush maybe.. I mean, I know my husband's social security number and have a power of attorny for him. I dont think she should made to believe that she should feel bad for looking through his phone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): You know in a marriage everyone should be an open book, I mean is polite to respect privacy and not open mail addressed to him without his knowledge.
I think in this day and age technology has been a huge problem in relationships, what with private IM's, text messages and emails. Personally, I think a healthy marriage is one in which you both can see eachother's information without considering it a breach of trust. You need to sit down and decide on some boundaries with regards to these issues.
Remember, a person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.
I think you are concerned about the female friend at work and all you need is some proof or reassurance that she is not after your husband, it should come from him, but he should do what it takes to show you that she is not a threat to you or your marriage. A little proactive damage control is in order here.
I don't agree with the male poster that you are trying to tell him who his friends are, it is this one particular one that bothered you with the flirty texts
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A
male
reader, Harry Castle +, writes (24 June 2009):
Other answerers speak of violating trust, but I think the most serious breach of trust came from YOU!
What gave you the right to nose through his cellphone and read his private messages? Would you be happy to discover that he had been through your personal correspondence?
Just because you CAN look, doesn't make it right, so if you found something that made you unhappy, serve you right.
You want to choose his friends for him? How controlling is that? I think you need to take a close look at yourself and decide whose behaviour is unacceptable here.
Harry.
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A
female
reader, safron +, writes (24 June 2009):
My husband USED to end emails and texts to females with x/xxx- he saw it upset me and agreed it was wrong (unless to a family member). He said no one in work would do it as it would be considered v unprofessional. He may be showing no signs other than this; but your hubby wants his cake and eat it. Who agees with me, that mobiles and emails whilst being highly useful comunication tools, also are the cause of concern and often misused?
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 If you aren't normally a jealous person and you are concerned now then you are probably on the right track. Tthey are flirting with each other and the energy that creates can be difficult to walk away from. You may also be annoyed because he has given her some of the privileges you have as his wife. There are other concerns such as putting a password on his phone and the message 'kisses everywhere' which is not something even good friends would say and certainly not what work colleagues would say. He may not have crossed the line but I think he may be very close and you may have reason to worry.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Your husband is having at least, an emotional affair with this other woman. Because he's not sleeping with her, he thinks it's all harmless fun. It's not. And it will eventually lead to more. Plus he's confiding things to someone other than you, his wife, which violates trust. I do not think things will change until one of them changes jobs and your husband then STOPS being "close" friends with her and puts you first. Maybe counseling would help. He needs to figure out if he still loves you, or is just staying for the kids and the convenience. Then he needs to make a choice. They may have to work together for now, but he doesn't have to be so chummy with her otherwise. xoxo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): His behavior has crossed the line and is inappropriate.
The best test to knowing if he's knowingly wronged you is to do the exact same thing and see his response. When he reads a text from another man to you talking about "kisses everywhere" and he is cool with it, then he's telling the truth that nothing's going on. If he freaks out and says it's wrong, then he is guilty.
You really have nothing to lose in doing this - think about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): I thinkt of the person you need to be asking these questions of is your husband.
I don't think it was right of him to say to her that you didn't like her, that just creates animosity.
I think you are drawing conclusions that may be incorrect.
The reason they don't call each other when you are around may be out of respect for you, he doesn't want to annoy you or upset you or ignore you for her, that wouldn't be right either.
Why don't you suggest that the three of you meet out for drinks or dinner sometime or if she is married or has a boyfriend, the four of you, then you can judge for yourself what kind of friendship this is.
I think you would know or see more signs if "something was going on", but I wouldn't be all accusatory or suspicious acting, just ask him to explain your questions because you are a little concerned about how close they seem to be.
If he tells you she is just a work friend and they like to tease each other, then that is probably all it is...you can certainly tell him how that makes you feel without getting angry at him.....but you have a right to be heard and he needs to hear that he has hurt you over this in some way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): You are not over reacting because he's crossed the line by telling her personal information about what you've said which should be kept confidential between spouses if there is to be any respect and trust in a marriage. You can't tell him to not talk to her or be friends with her and he may flirt but you can expect him to not divulge information in your marriage and things that you discuss, that's off limits. I don't think he's cheating but he does need to close his mouth about your marriage and what you two discuss.
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