A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:2 days ago I cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend. I know relationships are never perfect, and ours isn’t either, we’ve had so many ups and downs, but we always work through them. we never give up on each other. he’s fucked up and he worked through it and vice versa. he’s my entire world, my heart belongs to him, I’ve never loved someone so deeply. in fact he is the only person i’ve ever loved. i feel his love with every single cell of my body. i’ve been in relationships in the past, but never really loved them. i just needed someone to love me. when i was 18 my first boyfriend killed himself. i never felt that unconditional love from my parents, and since i moved around allot when i was a kid i never developed friendships that i knew would last. every single relationship i’ve ever had before my boyfriend have been superficial, and because of this i find it very difficult to accept that someone could love me as deeply and unconditionally as my boyfriend does. the thing is things have been perfect with us recently. we’re both working so hard to become the best version of ourselves. we’ve been dating for 8 months and i still feel the spark i did at the beginning. i didn’t do it to chase excitement. we have so many plans for the future. he was the guy i thought i’d spend the rest of my life with, and i ruined us. i don’t know how i’ll be able to live with this. i’m writing this because i need insight in my behavior. understand what exactly is so deeply messed up with me that would lead me to do this. i’ve been flirted with already during the relationship, had guys make me feel special but not once did i feel tempted to do anything them, in fact i just felt disgusted. i met this guy a few nights ago with my boyfriend at a party. that time we talked for a while together, talked about pretty heavy stuff we both related to. in that moment i felt understood, but didn’t even once want to do anything with him, or felt feelings develop. 2 nights ago my boyfriend and him were hanging out. i was with a friend nearby so we joined them. i was pretty high on xanax, alcohol, ritalin and weed. but sober enough to think and talk properly. when we got there my friend left, then boyfriend wanted to leave because he was bored. i was just in the mood for social interactions, as i’d say i’m pretty lonely most of the time, so i told him i’d stay. we had a fight about it, and so i got pretty anxious and took 3 or 4mg more xans. i was alone with the guy i cheated with (it was his house), and another friend. the other friend left but i still decided to stay. he has quite a flirty person by nature, i got that impression from the day i met him. he just has a way to make you feel special. we talked and i felt understood. so why did i stay. why would i want to stay when i had my boyfriend waiting for me at home. a guy who makes me feel special every minute of the day. the love of my life. but i stayed. i stayed and i flirted back, and i held hands with him, and when he said he wanted to go to sleep because he was tired i told him to stay. i don’t remember much of the night. i know we didn’t have sex. i know we fell asleep in the same bed as it’s where i woke up. i remember kissing him and thinking how gross it is, how i hated his taste and how his lips felt on mine, and how everything was so wrong. but i stayed. there is no excuse for my behavior. my now exboyfriend keeps telling me how disgusting i am. asking me who am i. asking me who he’s been dating all along. but i think i’m same person. i think i am still me, i just deeply deeply messed up. i don’t think my boyfriend believes in the fact that there is a root to people’s actions, but i do. that’s why i’m writing this, to understand why i would do this. i am so against cheating. i think so lowly of people who cheat. i’ve stopped being friends with people just because they cheated. but i go and do this.
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on my boyfriend, flirt, in the mood, kissing, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): By a third of the post, I was about to ask the protagonist, Will you soon be revealing that you do drugs or what? And, lo and behold, soon enough we hit pay dirt:"i was pretty high on xanax, alcohol, ritalin and weed"You did not have sex with that guy, you kissed him and it went no further, right? What else can we say, I'd really not see it as a big deal, just make sure you do not do it again.OP, it is said that you cannot truly love someone else until you love your own self enough. And, if you felt good enough about who you are, you would not be poisoning your body with drugs and alcohol. So long as you'll be a user of drugs and alcohol, you'll be part of a world where even if 'love' has found a way to come to life, circumstances will most likely grant it but quite a fragile life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2021): "i was pretty high on xanax, alcohol, ritalin and weed. but sober enough to think and talk properly."
"the thing is things have been perfect with us recently. we’re both working so hard to become the best version of ourselves ... we have so many plans for the future."
"i don’t remember much of the night. i know we didn’t have sex. i know we fell asleep in the same bed as it’s where i woke up. i remember kissing him and thinking how gross it is, how i hated his taste and how his lips felt on mine, and how everything was so wrong."
Quite frankly, Lady, don't you think that right now your character has bigger problems to worry about than having 'kissed' a guy who's not her boyfriend?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2021): I think you needed to self sabotage your relationship because you secretly didn't feel ready for full on committment.
You said yourself that your first boyfriend killed himself at age 18yrs.
This most certainly would leave you with unresolved feelings such as 'survivors guilt' and quite possibly you didn't get adequate counselling to sort out your inner most deepest secrets and fears.
You said that you moved around a lot as a child and didn't expect relationships to last and this led to you believing this self -fulfilling phrophecy.
In other words you subconsciously decided that the more invested you became in the relationship the more it would hurt when it inevitably ended.
So you set yourself up in a situation which you knew would end your relationship but you hoped it wouldn't hurt so much because nobody died.
You lost your dream but you are at least used to that.
Your boyfriend 'knew' when you let him go home alone that it was over. He was perfectly aware of what would happen between you and his best mate.
He has every right to end the relationship.
You however will find that you are secretly relieved that this big amour has ended because no one has died and all it took was a little betrayal in your part which you know is not that uncommon in your age group.
It's clear from your drug usage that you are self medicating to cope and this may be the same up call you need to seek talking therapy or you may become a victim of drug abuse that ends your life. Consider counselling as a useful option and try to find somewhere e.g. doctors or teenage help group to find better ways to cope.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 June 2021):
 To discover who someone really is, you need to watch their actions, not their words. Words are cheap and, if not backed up by actions, mean absolutely zilch. Always remember that.
You SAY you love your boyfriend but then offer yourself up to another guy. I suspect the combination of booze and drugs won't have helped but, equally, isn't really an excuse.
You say your boyfriend loves you "unconditionally" but now you have found out that there IS a condition to his love: YOUR loyalty. And rightly so. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if he had done the same to you.
I have learned that you can do anything you want to in life but you have to remember that everything comes with a price. You CAN cheat if you like but the price of that is that your boyfriend may decide you are not for him. Was it worth it? Next time weigh up beforehand whether what you are going to do is worth the price you are likely to pay - or the pain you are likely to cause someone else.
Hopefully you and your boyfriend can get past this, but you may find he cannot trust you again. A painful lesson learned - the loss of someone who you hoped would be a life partner all for the sake of a short thrill.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2021): Sweetie, Honeypie and I are not kicking you while you're down. You're learning something here, because you feel bad about what you did.
The problem is, you overused the "word" love; but then you mixed that with cheating. I gave you a rundown on what it means to love, and be loved. Love is faithful. Cheating is just the opposite.
You placed yourself conveniently in situations that almost set the stage for cheating. Then talked about how you don't understand why you did it. You did it, because you knew it would feel good. You did it, because cheating is exhilarating; and there's intrigue in being alone in secret with some-one different, who wants to have sex with you. You cheated for the same reason anybody cheats. The opportunity was there, and you ceased on it. Don't make it a habit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2021): Although you used the word "love" gratuitously throughout your post; that's often an indication it's being used out of context, or you've yet to discover what true-love is.
You're very young, and your perspective is based on very little experience. You're merely toying with something that is deep and truly remarkable. That being, what we consider real-love. It takes a lot to reach the point that it can be defined as "love." It's not just about a bunch of making out, French-kissing, and dry humping on the couch. It's not just sex.
We've all been where you are, and at your age it's just the starting-point. It wasn't that long ago that you were in puberty, then your awkward teenage-years; so you don't have very much relationship experience to fallback on. You're still tasting the baby food version of sharing a romantic-attachment. All fairytale puppy-love sappiness. In-love with being in-love. The fantasy-version that you have to go through in order to become acquainted with the real thing; and by that time, you will know the difference.
It's normal to cheat on each-other at your age; because the relationship isn't that binding, and your mind and body are still developing. There are very heavy emotions involved in romantic-love; and the complexities of our feelings take time and maturity to be fully understood. You'll even find, you'll reach your 30's and 40's; and still be trying to figure it out! Your teenage-drama romance is nothing more than cheat-bait. The first random cutie that comes along will drive a wedge right in-between you!
Cheating in your teens and early twenties is difficult to avoid; because youth is experimental, selfish, and reckless. You've got to actually experience some pain and disappointment; so you'll know how bad it feels to be cheated-on. That's how it registers in your brain that cheating is wrong. To do, and have done to you!
In your happy-meal version of a relationship, you don't see the full picture; so you don't foresee the consequences when you do foolish things. Not until you're actually hit with the consequences! You have to learn through pain and loss.
You've got to be kicked to the curb and dumped; before you know how wrong cheating is. There is no excuse for it.
You have no right to be throwing the word "love" around like it's lawn fertilizer! You love your mom and dad; but when you feel romantic-love, that's a different kind of love. It takes time and nurturing to reach full ripeness and realness. It has to endure, take a beating, and withstand stress. It needs trust to give it life. Remove the trust in a relationship, and you just "like" that person. You don't love them. Even if you're married to them. No trust, no faithfulness, no love. It's just an addiction to each-other, or an emotional-dependency. Love is more complex than that. It's warmer and deeper. Know what you're talking about when you use that word!
You'll learn empathy by experiencing the hurt that the betrayal of cheating causes. Then you'll learn the value of loyalty and trust. You'll begin to take trust seriously, and you'll want your feelings taken seriously when you take the chance or risk of trusting someone. You don't just give your heart to anybody. That person has to be someone special to you. Right now, sex is what it's all about. You see somebody cute or hot, and your hormones will hijack your brain; and all you want is to be with that hot-guy or that hot-girl. I know, people cheat out of tit-for-tat. Getting even! You may as well breakup! You'll never trust each-other again.
Cheating and kidding around with someone else's feelings wouldn't be so easy, if you love them. You hate it when cheating happens to you. That's just hypocrisy. When you take your relationship seriously; you won't jeopardize what you have so quickly. You will learn, but you just don't know yet.
Cheating doesn't just happen. Even if you're high or drunk, you still have that moment of hesitant contemplation. The moment of truth minutes before it actually happens. You run it through your mind for awhile. "Should I, or shouldn't I, do this?" A practiced-cheater skips this step. No guilt or remorse. Let's do this!
If you "love" them, you should think of how much it would hurt the person you think you care so much about.
If it's not that real, you'll put your significant other's feelings and trust aside; because you want pleasure with somebody else. Pleasure becomes more important to you than that person's feelings, love, or trust. That weakens the realness of your emotional-bond and connection with that person. You'll convince yourself, it's not really as bad as it seems. When you can deny yourself, for their sake. You can call it love.
Feeling remorse and guilt is a good thing. If you could cheat and feel nothing; you're probably becoming a narcissist. Turning around and telling the person you've cheated-on that you love them, is lying to them. You didn't love them enough to stop yourself from cheating.
Maybe you'll make up, and stay together; while not trusting each-other. Always scared, insecure, expecting it to happen again. Odds are higher that it will!
You can blame it on the weed or the alcohol, or one thing led to another; but if you didn't place yourself in that situation to begin with, and listened to the hesitation you felt coming from your conscience when the opportunity presented itself. You'd stop yourself. That's proof of how much you love somebody. You may have a moment of weakness; but the true test is if you can resist the temptation.
Cheating is a deliberate act, and you'll lie to yourself and the person you cheated on to excuse it. It means you don't love them as much as you claim you do. In fact, you have diminished the validity of your love; the minute you let someone else make you betray the trust that was given to you. Your so-called love is reduced to just fondness, or a mere attachment to somebody. Like your favorite pair of sneakers. Love would have made you resist the temptation, even under heavy pressure. You would have valued the trust and the love you're already receiving; above just getting-off with somebody else.
No worries! You'll learn this in time. Some people will never truly grasp the concept of being faithful. They are the ones who will never really know what "true-love" is; because they'll never have it long enough to appreciate its value. They will never know deep-down in their heart and soul, how important love is to have. It's a privilege to love somebody, and have them love you back. So much, they wouldn't cheat on you!
Feeling guilty, after the fact. You've already done the deed. Don't say the word love again; until you honestly and truly mean it, my dear. Otherwise, you just have an open-relationship; and you both play-around a bit, and then comeback to each-other. That's not love, by any means. It makes you friends with benefits.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2021):
 I know why you did it.
Because you wanted to, and at the moment all those grandiose feelings you profess for your BF meant nothing.
I don't say this to bash you but you are OLD enough to know that actions have consequences and you making bad choices only comes down to ONE person, YOU.
Also, this is totally contradicting yourself...
"i was pretty high on xanax, alcohol, ritalin and weed. but sober enough to think and talk properly."
Either you were high on drugs that ACTUALLY alter how your brain works... or you were sober.
That doesn't mean you can use the drugs as an excuse for your shitty choice.
YOU made a choice - or rather a SERIES of choices that led to you cheating. It didn't "just" happen, it wasn't an "accident".
So now you have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps the biggest reason why is that you are young and not as mature and self-aware as you think you are.
This is you doing what you loathe. Self-loathing. Perhaps there is also a smidge of you thinking you really aren't good enough for your BF?
Which is kind of normal for people your age.
WE ALL fuck up at some point in life.
There isn't a magical fix or magical explanation. There is a logical one.
And that is for you to find. You need to dig deep. We can't figure this out for you.
What happened is on you.
...............................
|
