A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All.Please bear with as this is quite complicated.So I’m 30 years old, had a few relationships before my current one. This time i thought it was never going to end. We have been living together for 4 years. He is of a different race religion and my family weren’t happy about it at first but I stood my ground and we ended up living together. He told me his family didn’t mind but they pretty much ignored my existence. So about 4 months ago he told me he was going for a couple of weeks to his home country as his relative died. I then ended up seeing a picture of him at what looked like a wedding!! (His)... he denied and denied it and said it was his cousins and actually had me convinced. Two weeks passed and he still wasn’t back. Long story short he did get married and when he could no longer deny it he began to claim his family had forced him etc etc etc. Throughout all f this I have found constant lies for example when I asked his friends if they knew anything they said he had told them he lived in uni halls, they had been to our home but he’d apparently told them it was my home. I could go on and on about this whole thing but it’s not the main point of my question. Of course the whole situation has been heartbreaking and had me questioning my sanity but more so as I’ve hid it all from my family. First of all it was as he was denying it and had me convinced. So when they asked where he was etc I just made excuses for him. I am a really private person and I don’t want everyone in my business but now the truth is clear and I’ve decided it’s over it’s harder as I’ve left it so long. I’m sick of hiding from them I’m sick of lying and pretending everything’s fine but I can’t find the courage to tell them we’ve broken up. they will ask questions that I just don’t want to answer like why and what happened. I just can’t bear the thought of it and of everyone talking about me. Then it’s embarrasing as I fought with my parents to be with him. And I’m the only person in in my family to have failed relations all my siblings are just happily married to their childhood sweethears as are my parents. I’m just a total mess and as I’ve left it so long and lied to everyone so long pretending to be fine I feel at a loss. They literally have no idea of this massive trauma in my life and whilst that scares me I don’t want to tell them. But I do need to tell them we are no longer together as they think I’m safe living with him when actually I’m alone and also as they keep asking about him and inviting him to family events etc. Please help :(
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 November 2018):
 I dont think you have to get into the nitty gritty with them. No need to say anything more than things just didnt work out. Hopefully you find some peace to end this heartbreak that has been thrust upon you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 November 2018):
 It is entirely YOUR choice on how much or how little you tell your family. It is also your choice on HOW you tell them. You can tell them between sobs and tears, or you can just shrug nonchalantly and say, "Heh, it didn't work out. Time to move on."
If you appear relaxed and laid back about the whole thing, then your family are less likely to try to get answers. If they question you, be vague and dismissive of the whole thing, and change the subject as soon as you can. You can even say, "Do you know what? I don't really want to talk about it. It's in the past. I want to move on."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 November 2018):
 I agree with N91,
You make this into a bigger deal than it is. Surely your parents will be OK with it not working out as they didn't want you with him in the first place.
WE all make mistakes. Yours was to date someone who used you and lied to you.
And yes, it sucks that your siblings are all in happy relationships and you got lied to and dumped. All that means though, is that YOU haven't found the right guy for you YET.
I would suggest you share it with your mom and dad first and then let THEM pass on the news that you and your ex are no longer together.
Can I venture a guess that he was Muslim?
Because that kind of makes sense. Men & women from MOST Muslim cultures are NOT really allowed to "date". And since YOU were not Muslim you weren't accepted by his family and they DID chose to "marry" him off to a "good Muslim" girl back home. Did he have a choice? Well, that all depends on his family. For many marrying whomever the PARENTS choose is the norm, and OBEYING your parents is also the norm. Especially if there are finances involved in the marriage.
He (your ex) should have been HONEST with you from the start. HE knew (I am pretty sure) that EVENTUALLY he would be expected to marry someone of the same religion and cultural background.
I absolutely get that you feel absolutely gutted over this, but like N91 said, LOOK AT IT as a break up.
You family LOVES you and will help you move past this break up, IF you let them.
And NEXT time you find someone who not only can be part of YOUR family, but YOU can also be part of his. someone you share more "base" ideals with.
I'd also suggest (if you haven't already) to CUT all contact to that ex. Get rid of things that remind you of him, off to a charity shop with it. Sell it, throw it. LET go of him in every way. He wasn't the right one for you.
Chin up. Talk to your mom and dad. Let them support you in your hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): Just tell everybody that things didn't work between you and you are no longer together. No one will be interested in the boring details and you needn't give any. Keep chin up, go out dance get stoned and enjoy being single again.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 November 2018):
 I think you’re making a bigger deal over this than you need to.
So you’ve broke up, yes it’s a stressful time and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it. It happens and life goes on. Deal with the breakup however you need to, go through all the feelings necessary to get it out of your system and move on.
You really don’t need to get into any specifics. You don’t need to mention that he got married to someone else, if your family didn’t approve of him then I’m pretty sure none of them have him on social media to see the pics? In that case you could easily just say that you grew apart and things weren’t working anymore. You don’t need to tell them anymore than that.
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