A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with the father of my daughter and I live with someone else ...my baby daddy is okay ...he can provide ...he loves me very much ...and his financially doing fairly ...the guy I love with is a refugee and broke...but we love each other ...he tries to show that with the little that he has...I on the other had I struggle finacilay but I believe I can take care of my self ...Baby daddy used to not care much and was set in own ways ...but these days his more attentive because he realized I might walk away...when I say his financially okay ...it’s because he inherited the home we live in from the family...he however is old 45 ...not much he did...did not work for like 15 years because the family could provide ...until he realized that time is running out ..but now his doing okay thought he spends a lot of money that he makes...so in one way I think his the same as the baby daddy...he just lucky...I love my boyfriend but I know that his broke...and I the fear of leaving for the struggle scares me to hel... For my own sanity I was thinking I leave them all and start my life with my daughter...but I know everyone will judge me ...for l acing a comfortable life for struggling ...don’t judge about that because I live in a country where the economic situation is about harsh..So my question what should I do? As I am in love with a broke guy but in a relationship with a man more financially stable ..who loves me but I don’t .. I am 33 by the way
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2018): Is there a way that you could use some of your daughter's father's money to start up a business of your own?
I think what may be missing in this situation is you having a sense of your own agency and autonomy. Is thee a business or line of work that you could get into, even part time?
Until you get a strong sense of your own independence you will feel dependent on men to give that feeling to you. At the moment, neither of them is quite right for you and you have dreams of 'going it alone'. Instead of just leaving altogether, can you try to stay but slowly and surely change the terms and conditions for your life?
It also sounds like your boyfriend gives you the attention that was missing from your daughter's father - I know you say you love him, but I also think a strong factor is that the other guy was quite neglectful, so this made you turn to a poor man for affection.
This may sound harsh, but sometimes it is much easier for people who have very little to then give a lot of attention and love to others; they don' have the pressure of a stressful job. Yes, they have the stress of being poor, but poverty can often really bond people together; I'm not saying it is an illusion that this poor refugee loves you, but I do wonder if he had loads of money whether he would still give you the same amount of attention.
Overall, the picture I get is one in which you feel powerless to make any choices of your own. Financial security seems the most important thing overall, for your sake and your daughter's. I would therefore focus on finding a way to make your own money, even asking your daughter's father to help you to make a start. If he feels threatened by the idea of you working or making money then you can tell him it is for your daughter's future. If he won't accept it, then think again about a way to start a business or to get some work for yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): You need to be independent. Love isn’t enough to feed you or your baby, to house you or your baby, to pay for medicines for you or your baby, and so on. That said, you shouldn’t stay with someone who can only provide because he inherited something - if he doesn’t work, the money will run out.
You need a job and to do what’s best for your baby. Love is important, but it doesn’t get you the necessities in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): Youve been having it all.
Kind and stable babby daddy and yet a little bit of rough and wild on the side.
As a quick decision I would say you should stick with your baby daddy as you have a viable life together.
You have a home and a child together.
If all of this gets thrown out of the window for the poor refugee who do you think will suffer?
Yes, your little girl will.
I think you need to be a bit more practical.
Your refugee is exciting and sexy and has you hot for him.
But he may well have a wife already and why should you mind if he did?
He knows you live with baby dad so he won't feel bad at all about not telling you about any other liasons or relationships.
He knows he is a sexy side dish but he won't feel so sexy when he is trying to provide for you and give you a lifestyle you want.
Naturally its exciting for you both because you are both getting something out of your connection without putting any of the groundwork in.
Its all provided for you already.
Personally I don't see a future for you and your lover because things will change once you try to formalize the relationship.
I just get a picture of Titanic in my head almost as though its a great relationship but the ship is sinking.
Maybe you can't see the connection but to me it seems as though the situation between you and your lover may be very short-lived.
Your little girl is here for life and she has two parents and a home and a potential future.
Are you sure its fair to steal it all from her?
If you cast your mind back to how you felt when you first met your babby daddy and created your child then you may remember what it was about him that drew you to him in the first place.
You are not married and will not be eligible to receive anything other than alimony if you separate.
Perhaps you have discovered that you really dont like your baby daddy.
Maybe the physical side of the relationship is tedious and you can't stand to be near him.
Or possibly he is just a bit boring to you.
You have to know the limits of what you can take, but judging by what you say you have quite a bit of freedom to do as you want to.
I think you are motivated to have it all with a cherry on top and a cocktail parasol to decorate the glass, so think carefully before you make any moves that might destroy your harmony and stability in the home.
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