A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! In need of some opinions on my long distance relationship. I'll give you the backstory: We've been together for almost a year now, meeting on a dating app but didn't date right away. At the time we were matched, I learned that he was just in the country for work (but lived here in the past) so I decided to just chat with him casually as friends and still dated other people. Fast forward a year later, he was in town for business and like we have each time he came to town, we met up for dinner, catching up and sex. We were without a doubt attracted to each other so we knew that part was bound to happen. During his stay, something happened in which he really needed someone there for him and there I was, unable to turn away from the ability to lend a helping hand. I did it without a second thought, realizing how much I really cared for him and he saw it too. We then discussed making a relationship work. So here we are. He has visited since then at least three times for work and then one time just coming to spend time with me for two months. We really care about each other and have even said "I love you". He gets along well with my family and knows just about all there is to know about my personal life. I just wish I could say the same for him. It's not that he hides anything per say. He just doesn't talk about certain things voluntarily. For example, he has a child overseas who lives with the mother, but because they seem to be going through an ugly custody battle, he doesn't want to talk about the child, the mother or anything related to that part of his past. I know it's a hurtful subject but with me being so open and always making him feel he can trust me, am I wrong to feel some kind of way? A small part of me even thinks he steers away from talking about it because he maybe he still deals with the mother...I just think that with what we've been through so far, he'd be more comfortable telling me. Either way, i'm making plans to finally go overseas to see him this time, to possibly learn more about him. I just need thoughts from an outsider on what's going on here and if this is worth fighting for. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2018): I'm the OP for this post and just want to clarify. First, thank you for answering! He and his child's mother were never married. They were dating in which she ended up pregnant. Down the line, she cheated. I know this much from what he's told me. Don't get me wrong, he's not ashamed of his child at all. I think it just makes him depressed that the mother who has full custody is trying to take all visitation rights away from him. That's the ugly battle I'm referring to. I don't know what led to this and part of the questions I want answered. He does randomly tell me little facts about his child, which makes me feel that he wants to open up but shuts down emotionally when thinking about the reality of it all. In the case of his parents and siblings, he has no problem talking about them at all. Like he said, he just doesn't volunteer to speak about them unless I ask. Partly because I don't believe they are as close as I feel my family and I are. His siblings are literally scattered all over the world and he may talk to them weekly, where as I on the otherhand, have to speak with my immediate family almost daily. He does say he wants me to meet them. Lastly, I have expressed that he knows more about me than I him and he simply said he's always just been a private person.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 November 2018):
 I'm sorry but I don't think you should ever have to fight for a relationship in the beginning. If it was the case that you and he had years of shared history and/or children, then yes, fight for the relationship. However, at the beginning you should NEVER have to fight for it.
Just MY opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2018):
 Have you been to HIS country? Met any of HIS family?
(I'm not necessarily saying his son and ex-wife/ex-gf - but brothers, sisters, parents, uncles, aunts etc.)
There could be mane reasons he doesn't want to talk about the "mother", but his child? I find that a bit odd. Most parents are GLAD to talk about their kid(s). Or grand-kids.
Why he doesn't want to talk about the "mother" could be for many reasons. Mostly though, perhaps because he is compartmentalizing his life? The mother and child are "back there" and you are "here" different "boxes". He probably doesn't tell HER about you either. Especially if there is a rough custody battle going on and HE is trying to move from his country to the US.
While I don't think you "deserve" to know all the details of his past relationship/marriage - you DO deserve to know if he is really married still, if he would potentially gain custody and be able to LIVE the in US. Because some countries, it's UP to the parent who DOESN'T have custody whether the custodial parent can take the kid overseas/out of the country. I have seen that a MILLION times with Army kids, where the mother or father would BLOCK the custodial parent from moving with their NEW partner to various military posts outside of the US and outside of Germany (if the bio-dad for instance is German/mother is German and remarried a US soldier).
Custody is a complicated matter. And if there is "bad blood" or a LOT of drama going on, someone (like the "mother") could potentially block him from taking the child to the US EVEN if he gets custody. And then what?
The "mother" will ALWAYS be in the child's life. Regardless of who gets custody. So he WILL probably ALWAYS have to be in contact with her.
You might also not be all that familiar with his culture, religion UNLESS he shares that kind of stuff with you.
From what you write you seem very much the "mistress" or one chick in ONE port kind of thing. and I'd be very careful about that.
Have you told him point blank that you feel he knows all about your life and you know very very little about his?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 November 2018):
 A hurtful subject is something traumatic that happened in the fast which has no bearing on today, so why not just bury it in the grave. Having a son is not a traumatic event. It is something to be proud of. It should be in daily conversation such as things he's doing in school, what sports he likes, etc. As an outsider, I would guess that because of his working overseas, he either cheated or the wife cheated. If it's the latter, he would definitely tell you. He withheld information, so that would make me suspect it's his wrongdoing. I don't think there is an ugly custody battle. If the husband works away a lot, then the mother automatically gets custody. Even for international cases, divorce and custody should not take more than a year. Unless he is not really divorced, and his wife does not know anything about him meeting other women. Or maybe they are separated and haven't started on divorce proceedings yet. If you go to his country, you would only know the truth if you go to his wife's house to ask about whether she is an ex or not. I don't think you would do that. If I were you, I would tell this guy that I would not continue doing anything for him until I know the truth about his status and his future plans. You helped him as a friend but he should not take it for granted and think that this should lead to something else. You had sex but that's about it. You really know nothing about him. Because this is about your life and happiness, you have the right to know important information whether he is a private person or not. Don't play that generous person's role until you know he's worth fighting for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): You have progressed quite far down the romance line.
You know each other intimately and you are not complaining about your love life.
Your family accepts him.
Your main concern is his ex and perhaps a smidgen of you secretly wonders if she is indeed the ex.
Worse case scenario would probably be that he was still with the ex and family and you were a secret side dish.
Its not easy to control all outcomes but you could try considering what you would do if it didn't work out as planned.
I would suggest you book accommodation in advance so that you know you have somewhere you expect to be.
Or are you leaving it as an open-ended 'meet me at the airport and go from there!' kind of arrangement?
I don't recommend that option as things can go wrong and the one thing you are going to need is to relax in comfort after your flight!
I am not suspicious of him not wanting to reveal the identity of the mother and child although some might be.
I am aware of the fact that some people just can't stop a good thing once they see its potential benefits for them and I think you are subconsciously indicating that you have more to loose than he does.
Maybe you could arrange a middle ground such as a holiday place somewhere between the two destinations with a hotel booking and a few sights to see.
I don't think saying or hearing:
" I love you! " is of any great significance as its so easy to say.
For some its about as easy as "hello darlin'" which must be one of the most common phrases of everyday language.
I also think love should flow naturally and never be worth fighting for.
Maybe it is just an expression but as far as I'm concerned love should fit into your life as a natural progression.
Its the uncertainty on your part that intrigues me.
Is it your voice of common sense or are you feeling youve jumped in feet first and as there is nothing to not love about you maybe you are feeling its just been a tad too convenient for him.
I wonder what the crises was that meant you had to lend a helping hand and why it is not disclosed.
I am always a bit suspicious of crises bonding experiences and trauma bonding.
It is very easy to promote a crises if you feel a person is the run-to-assist sort.
Plus I am pinpoint aware of many devious, manipulative people in the world many prepared to do anything in order to get the lifestyle or satisfaction they want.
Maybe I just see too many stories gone wrong in life, but in my opinion a gal should always have a backup plan!
So I would have a think about what could possibly go wrong.
eg he brings the ex to the airport and you find you are expected to stay with them all as one big happy family.
Or he drives you to the wilderness and has his wicked way, cleans up and leaves you to the jackalls.
Or he prebooked you into an incredibly expensive hotel and wants room service and expects you to foot the bill.
The scenarios are endless so that all I can really offer by way of advice is to take an extra credit card and keep it separate from your other cards in case you get parted from your purse.
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