A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hey i broke up with a girl about a year ago who i had some pretty strong feelings for. the relationship wasn't the healthiest one from the start, my ex wanted to have an open relationship and i didn't, but i really liked her so i went with it. i stuck it out for almost two years hoping she would eventually care more about me.. and every once and a while she would say or do something that made me think this was happening. anyways, in the end she didn't like when i tried bringing the relationship to the next level, everytime i tried it pushed her furter away.. and when i was more distant from her thats when she came calling on me. I realize now that I can't be with somebody who only shows interest if i don't show any, and who is freaked out by intimacy. I want to build a closer relationship and I want it to be faithful.for the past year i have travelled, dated somebody else and used too much drugs.. i also was keeping occasional contact with my ex. All these things distracted me from my pain and also kept me pretty attached to her. About a month ago I asked her not to contact me anymore so that I can move on. I haven't made contact with her, and I've been keeping busy doing things I like, but I keep feeling so much anger and I am still thinking about her a lot. I was always so complacent with her, so willing to please her, and often bit my tongue about how selfish I thought she was. I keep having these impulses to voice my anger to her, but I know that's pointless, the time has passed to express those feelings to her.I'm trying hard to let go of my hope, trying to stay optimistic and realize my anger won't last forever. Does anyone know what this is like, how long I can expect to keep feeling all this toxic old pain before I can really forgive her and leave her in the past?thanks :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): thanks everyone, it's nice to hear your advice and shared experience.i agree with you quiet-echo, contacting her to vent might only lead to needing to do it again and again. a part of me wants her to hurt like me, to feel bad for what she did, however i am aware this part of me will most likely feel differently later. there's no clear escape from the pain, and there is no quick remedy either. I guess i can only keep practicing forgiveness and also enjoy life as much as is possible. it's funny, cause the rational part of me can identify that there are so many other people out there, so much ahead of me to experience still. at the end of my life my experience with this girl may constitute a small fraction of my total life intersection. so why dwell and prolong what is bound to be better?yet there is still a large irrational part of me, despite logic, reason, mediation and words of wisdom, the mind loves to feel negative sometimes. i suppose all i can do is accept this and remember it is impermanent.may you all have bright futures, bright enough to shine a light through whatever apparent darkness you might come across from time to time. be strong and be happy!anonymous guy with thanks for you all.
A
female
reader, obsticalfree  +, writes (19 September 2009):
You know ... it will go away it just takes time...but look I myself don't like confrontation and because of that ... or because the other person didn't want to talk about it .. I've spent lots of time healing from stuff with questions or pain still not let out. This girl you spent 2 years with her and from what you have written you are clear with what you want , why you ended things and are trying to be as healthy as possible it also seems that you have been very kind and understanding even to the point of 'staying friends' with this person that hurt you so. Sooooooo? Why not meet up with her one last time and clear the air? Tell her what you wanted why she disappointed you , that she was selfish and too immature to move on and that you NEVER really told her how you felt. If she says the right things you will feel better if she says stupid selfish things you will feel better about moving on and maybe she will be able to learn from her own mistakes once they are out in the open. In otherwords you have maintained a relationship with this person until a month ago so meeting her now is not too late. I think you deserve to be able to let out some of that pain and hurt. You might be more careful if you wan ted to reconcile but you don't. So? What is the harm of letting some of that poison out? I guarantee you will heal a lot faster than the time it will take (already a year) when your are feeling rejection and regret that you didn't stick up to those things whilst in the relationship. From experience I can tell you that if the opportunity to let it out is there the healing really speeds up. It is often the ("what if I had done...or why didn't I do ? or what would he/she have said if I had just told them .... )that hold up the healing and stops us from moving on quickly. Also since you have stopped regular contact with your ex (which is good) preface the meeting as a 'last talk' to clear the air. :) good luck
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (19 September 2009):
 You understand what you need to do, you only need to keep doing it and understand that it takes time man. But, don't contact this chick anymore, she's the root of the pain (you know this.)
You ever hear of Sceam Therapy. John and Yoko Ono did it and it inspired some songs on Plastic Ono Band album. Look it up. Basically, you focus on your problem and you scream, releasing all the pent up emotions attached to it. It helped me before.
Also, I've gone out in the woods with a stick and vented my emotions by beating it on a tree. Barbaric but effective. Helped just releasing the anger.
Scream thereapy and Stick therapy only help in releasing the emotions that get pent up. When you release them, it helps you move forward. It's better than having them bottled up inside.
Its gonna take finding that girl who wants what you want. That takes time and searching. Keep searching for her and eventually you will find her. When you find her, you will be cleansed.
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