A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Had a one night stand with complete stranger five years ago. That night resulted in a baby. I informed the guy i was pregnant but he cut all contact with me. Now i knew his name, address, where he worked and stuff about his life because there was a courtship to our relations. So i coukd find him and his family should i wish to.But i haven't gone after him, for money or anything. He doesn't even know if i kept the baby. We made a child and i allowed him to walk away. I did not fight it. I suppose one reason was not having to share something so precious as a child with a stranger. I already took a stupid risk with the sex (everyone gets one mistake in life) so i wasn't going to risk a second time when my child was involued. Had i knew him better i would have been more willing to co-parent. But as it stands, it was his choice not to be there, i just let it be.Now my child as she gets older is going to want to know about her father. I could lie but i feel i owe it to her to be honest. Ive no idea how i'm going to handle it but i'll do it for her.Just like i'll find her father for her if she wants to know him. But what worries me is visitation rights. How old does she have to be to be able to say i want to see him every weekend or only once ever??? I just fear that once we make contact he might go for visitation rights and like i said, i don't want to risk my child with a stranger. I never want her forced to see him. It should be choice. I want to know she is safe, i want to be able to hold her hand and go through the difficulties together as she does/doesn't get to know her father. I also have the worry that he'll come before we have talked about it, before she is ready to know. I need to protect her from the stranger that is her father.any advice?thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Original poster again - sorry i have no idea how to do that yellow thing that says its me.Basically i want to thank a lot of you for your words and advice. I will consider a lot of it and it is helpful to see other people's perspective. I don't want my daughter to blame me for not having her father around and i am not trying to punish the ex for BOTH our mistakes. I made my peace with our bad decisions when i was pregnant, it was then that i realised i had so much more to live for and that i no longer have myself to solely be accoubtable for. Some people feel accountable to god, I am accountable to my child. Everything i do i think about her reaction, i think is this something she will approve etc. I am really protecting my child, its not a line. Its not just protecting from physicaly harm but mental. He walked out on her once and i want to prepare her if he does it twice. He's not the most stable character. He's has some serious mental illnesses that he battles with (found out after pregnant), i know his potential for violent and he's a liar. Now I am never going to say it like that to my child, i am not going to turn my child against her father but i will give a gentle outline of what he was and suggest that age may have made him wiser. That we all mess up. That we are all flawed and make really bad decisions when younger. That often there are reasons for how screwed up things are that we cannot see. Its no excuse but its the way things work out sometimes. I want my daughter to be prepared to meet him but I aAlso her to meet him with the willingness to give him a chance, if she wants that and if he wants to know her. You can't force relationships and already he's not wanted to be there. I am scared that he may wake up and want her, but like some of you have suggested women of doing, i'm scared he'll try to turn her on me. Mess up my beautiful daughters whose character he never helped made. I just hope that if he does come before we go to him, that i've made her strong enough for whatever outcome. If she grows up anything like me, she'll hate being backed into a corner .... hence the reason i want her to have the choice.She does have siblings. She has grandparents and uncles. They know nothing about my daughter but i keep an eye on them using friends and the internet. Everything i know or find out, i write down and put in a box for her when older. I've got birth certificates, marriage certificates, photos, medical history, where they worked/lived and when etc. I am in effect stalking them on my daughter's behalf lol Of course i will only use the information for my daughter and never mean any harm. I just want her to know that though i didn't knock on the door, i made sure she can do it when ready. I will be there for her.We made her.It was his choice to leave.My choice to stay.Its her choice what she does next.To you wish who wrote - "Even more than him. Even more than you. Your daughter needs the connection. She needs to at least have the opportunity. If you deny her that in the name of "protection", you will hurt her. How can you explain to her that you were "worried about the risk" if she grows up, lives on her own, and meets him, only to find out that he told her that you blocked every attempt?".The plan is to let her find him when she is ready .... that could be at age 8, 10, 12, 16, 53 etc. I plan to be there every step of the way, IF she wants me. I have never blocked him and i'll never block her, if he lies i can only hope her she sees it. I could be evil, i could have run so far and fast and have changed our names. I stayed put. I am where he left me. We are easy to find hence my worry that he turns up and we are not ready. Maybe that i am not ready. But like you said, its about my daughter. I am trying to do what is best for her even if i don't always like it, i know the importance of knowing where you came from. I know the importance of choice and i know the importance of having stability first. If she has a good foundation, what every falls on her in the future she can handle.I've told my child that there are several types of families. I had parents but no grandparents. Some people have dads but no mums, some have mums and no dads. Some are adopted and some have two mums, or two dads. Some have the mum and dad and are happy. And some have mum and dad and are sad. That what is important is that you have people who love you, doesn't have to be perfect or meet everyone elses expectations. For now, she accepts that. She knows she has a dad out there because everyone has a dad, even if they can't see it. To the male anon who said "I would be ashamed that I wouldnt be the one to teach them, help them, and love them." .... if only there were more parents like you the world would be a better place.Thank you everyone very much, i have thought about it all even if i haven't replied to it all. Thank you!
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Anon female reader, you're missing the biggest component in this whole thing. Protection isn't the issue here. If the guy was a "perv", you think his response would be to cut contact and not be a father? You'd think that the guy would want to hang around because his child would be his opportunity. So that's really far-fetched at best.
When the child is old enough and wants to know about her father, do you have any idea the amount of damage she could do by lying to her in the name of "protection"? The child's needs come first.
I would agree with you if she knew the guy was a hard drug user, or had a criminal record (easy to look up online!), but this looks more like vindictiveness and revenge rather than "protection". The man may be a royal jerk for abandoning his parental responsibility, but that's not his daughter's fault.
This is about choice.
The mom chose not to take him to task for child support, and by proxy, visitation and the ability to get to know his girl.
The dad chose to run off like a little bitch and not be a dad to his girl.
They both were allowed to make their choices. They both have to live with them. The mom said herself "Everyone gets one mistake in life". Sounds like both of them have made a few.
What about the daughter's choice? There will be a time when she will get older want to know about her identity, whether she has brothers and sisters, what her dad is like. She could contract a genetic disease for which her medical history on her father's side might be crucial or many an organ donor is in his bloodline. I have polycystic kidney disease...came from my Dad's side of the family, so don't think it's not a possibility..my brother is a hero to me.
The daughter is the most important member of this story. She is affected by the past and present choices of both parents. There are ways to make a first visit a protected and safe one, and ways to look up background checks and sex offender status.
She should not block the choice of her daughter when she comes of age. Knowing about the father at a crucial development stage in her life might make the difference between hope and despair. I have an older half-sister I never knew about until I turned 7 and she called my father behind her mom's back when she was 15. Her mom and my dad had a brief relationship when she got pregnant with my sister. After they divorced, her mom was *very* vindictive and denied visitation. She believed he was not worthy to be called "Dad" by her daughter. Her brothers threatened to beat my father to death if he showed his face. My father was in the Air Force deployed in Vietnam and then Thailand when this all went down. So for a long time, my dad was only a child support payment to his daughter, and a horrible lie her mom told about him to her when she asked about her dad.
I was 17 when I met my sister for the first time, and she is 8 years older than me. She met my Dad for the first time since she was a toddler, and her life was hell growing up. Alcohol, drugs, bad decisions. In some ways, she's a lot like me, but frightfully different in how her life ended up. Her mom told her the same "protection" story growing up when she wanted to know who her dad was. I don't know about my dad's relationship with her mom, but he was honorable and a great dad to us when we were growing up.
I got way more personal than I meant to get here, but I was not happy when I found out I had a sister, because growing up with brothers, I always wanted one. She was wrecked by her mom, who lied and denied all attempts she made to get to know him, was punished by her when she called her dad behind her back (I found out later), and only found him 10 years later as an adult. All because her mom was pissed at my dad because she thought he walked out on her.
Make any choices you want OP, but I speak from personal experience the horrible damage that's done when a child who is seeking her dad is withheld from him. Absent a clear criminal or sex offender record or was a substance abuser, there's no reason not to let a daughter seeking to know who she is have that piece of the puzzle. Not for the dad's sake, but for hers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I find it unbelievable that so many people here think that the guy being biologically related to the child trumps everything about the welfare of the child. He doesnt even want the child!
Would you say it's a good idea for your child to visit let alone regularly with a creep or even a pervert? Of course not. What if that creep or perv happened to be the biological 'father ' now all of a sudden it is right and ok for the child to visit with him even if he doesn't want to?? That's ridiculous. Ok so now take out the perv part. So the guy isn't like a child molestor or anything but he is still someone of a character that you would not normally want your child exposed to. I mean any caring sane parent takes responsibility to shield their child from dubious adults of bad influence right? (How many posts are there about not allowing yourbcchild to come into contact with your casual dates or your ex's new lovers as if they were lepers). So this law of child safety goes out the window if the dubious person happens to be the biological father who doesn't even want to be around??
I think the OP is doing the right thing as a mother to PROTECT her child from coming into contact with a person that she as the mother deems to be not a safe person (emotionally safe, mentally stable etc) . Why should anyone knowingly put their child in harms way?? If the daughter wants to know her father then LET her but the kid needs to be old enough first to make an informed decision. When the kid is still young and dependent on the mom for safety (not just physical safety but emotional safety too) then the mother has to make the decision that is in her child's best interest for safety even if it violates some idealistic rule of thumb (about how children should know and have relationships with their biological parents) .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): You chose to keep the baby.You chose not to go for child-support,if you didn't want it, the money could have gone in a bank account for your daughter for when she reaches 17.Paid for a car and driving lessons perhaps.The father might not want to know his daughter but you should try to find out for her sake.If he doesn't you will know you have tried.You cannot judge him because he sleeps around still, that is nothing to do with being a dadYou are a good mum,he will never take your place and long term she will love you more for trying to build bridges
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 BUT she's not a car... she's a person with her own mind and her own feelings.
I strongly suggest for your own peace of mind you consult a reputable child psychologist and get their professional opinon on how to handle this so that your long term ADULT relationship with your child is not damaged.
FWIW when I married my ex husband he came with a daughter... and I married her too.... I even said at the wedding that she was my daughter and sometimes kids grow in our hearts not our bellies... I get the whole DNA is not destiny thing...
so he's a creep and a jerk (and the fact that you still know what he's up to and are still so very angry about the whole situation says you have unresolved feelings about it)
this creep is still the biological father of your child and to be honest as she gets older even if you dislike him (and god help you do NOT badmouth him in front of her no matter what) SHE may want to make her own decision and you EVENTUALLY will not be able to stop her.
LETTING her know him while young (and supervised) may let her learn to see him the way you do without you telling her how bad he is... but unless you let HER make her choice on her own you won't know and she may never forgive you.
Which is more important to you... punishing the creep or being fair to your child?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Because you don't know all the facts, some of you are making assumptions. One mistake can happent to anyone because we all fall for people we shouldn't. My behaviour was a one night deal. I can say for certainy that my child's father is still in the stupid shag anyone stage. He is a repeat offender in this matter so i have no doubt he's used others before and after. I got a lot of false promises and i was messed up, how else do you explain such an out of character moment. I am not being selfish. I am being realist. How many of you have been touched with fathers not there and guys raising kids that are not there own??? I have a wealth of experience in that area. People are not parents because of DNA, they are parents because they are there every day for their child. Biologically it is easy to be a parent, but is it everyones right to be a parent if they do not deserve it??? NO.Had my child been a car that me and the one night stand made it would be different. If i paid for the car, looked after the car. Loved the car. And there was clear abandonment for several years from other "owner". I doubt if it went to court i'd ever be expected to share car. But a child is so much more valuable, easier to mess up and damage. My child has every right o know her father but does she need to know her father right now .... no. I am a supported of the fact that kids need stability and love, otherwise you'd think adoptive parents were robbing kids of knowing their genetic parents.My child has everything she needs.The law may say parents should be equal but from a biological point of view women do most of their share especially in the beginning. Had i decided to get an abortion or adopt my child, i'd still have the physical and emotional ramifications that go along with it. He walked away and may suffer guilt but he's never have to be the one to physically lose a child from you. Its not the same and i think laws are messed up. I am not saying every mother is a saint but nature gave us the power of greater closeness physically. Just look in wildlife documentories, how many mothers are left holding the offspring while daddy goes and find more ladies to impregnant. Its the mother always that has to deal with the consequences first.I know some great men in my life and some great fathers (whether bioloigical or not). Like that saying goes, any dick can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad.I think we need to change our laws because though they are "equal" makers, nature will never be.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 March 2013):
He has every right to know he has a daughter, and your daughter has every right to know her father. Stop trying to play God. You made a decision to have a one night stand, now you need to live with the consequences.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
You told the baby daddy he was going to be a daddy and he bailed.
that was 5 years ago. People change.
The key is your responsibility to your daughter. She will want to know where daddy is, who daddy is and why daddy is not part of her life.... to keep this information from her is not good. It may damage your relationship with her later on.
And to tell her after she is 18 will be too late IMO.
If you want to, I'd suggest contacting a reputable Child psychologist and asking for advice on how best to handle this for your CHILD.
My concern is not YOUR comfort or HIS. both of you are supposed to be grown ups.
MY CONCERN is for the CHILD and the best way to handle it for her. Since I have no experience with this type of situation I would even in real life consult with a reputable Child psychologist. I think that kids that grow up with knowledge of things (even bad things) fare much better than having it sprung on them later in life...
what have you told her so far about where daddy is? (at five I'm sure she's noticed there is NO DADDY).
If you are concerned that he wants to see HIS CHILD and you do not feel it's safe you have several options, the best of which is petition the courts for supervised visitation of short duration until his safety is known.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): You told him you were pregnant from your one night stand. He cut ties with you. He didn't care about the fact he would have a child or even care if you would have it. Your daughter may want to know, but when she is older and can decide. You can be honest with her but the honest fact is that he walked out on you. She should know that (When she is older). Just because a woman doesn't go after a man for child support does not make her selfish in any way. You could have made it very difficult for him for the next 18 years (more so if he didn't want the child) but you didn't. He walked away and you moved on with your life. That doens't make you selfish, it makes you brave. That would not have been easy. He may be the biological father, he is no more than a sperm donor. He lost his rights when he cut ties with you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Hi
You had a one night stand 5 years ago,got pregnant,you told the daddy and he ran a mile.He doesn't even know you kept the baby.
Before anything you need to contact him and let him know he has a daughter.
He may be married with a child, a family of his own now, so be discreet.
Whatever the outcome you cannot deny your child her father so at least give him the chance to be in or out of her life now.
It may be difficult for you in many ways but she will thank you for trying later, rather than putting *your* feelings first.
If you have any doubts re her safety then be there for the meetings or arrange for them to be supervised - that can be dealt with in court, *if* he wants to be in her life
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Yes a child has a right to know who her biological father is but that doesn't mean it is in her best interests for her welfare to do so. When she is an adult and autonomous then she can decide on her own what she wants. But for now I believe that it is healthier for the family and child to not be exposed to a man who blatantly rejected her as that will mess up a child's understanding of family and love and relationships.
The man made the choice to walk away and pretend the kid doesn't exist. It does no good to force people together. Families are determined by relationships and here there is none. Go forwards not backwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): A father is a man who steps up to the plate to take responsibility for the children under his care. A man who is just a sperm donor and who abandons the child resulting from his one night stand, is not a father. IMO he gave up all parental rights to this child when he walked away and washed his hands clean of her. He should not now have any right to access to this child. He is not family. And he was the one who chose it to he this way. If the child wants to seek him out then that is a different matter but she needs to be old enough to make that decision.
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Crappy sperm donor or not your daughter deserves a chance to know her bio father.
You risked everything when she was concieved and this is just the so called karma coz he was not a good man and now she is past the messy baby things he wants to get involved. is it fair on you? no. but this isnt about you or him because its about the little girl you both brought into this world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): "But i haven't gone after him, for money or anything."Not holding baby daddy responsible for financially supporting his daughter is very selfish and unfair. Child support is not baby mama support, it's for the CHILD'S benefit. As a parent you are obligated to protect your child's legal interests, and that includes ensuring her father contributes to the fullest extent possible. "I suppose one reason was not having to share something so precious as a child with a stranger. I already took a stupid risk with the sex (everyone gets one mistake in life) so i wasn't going to risk a second time when my child was involued."Had i knew him better i would have been more willing to co-parent."You don't have the right to arbitrarily decide not to "share" your child with the stranger with who you conceived her. Regardless of the father's choice to be absent from his daughter's life, every child has the right to equal access to both mother and father. She didn't pick her father, YOU did when you chose to have a one night stand with the complete stranger (your words) who ended up knocking you up. If you knew him well enough to lay down with him, then you knew him well enough to consider him as a potential baby daddy. "I need to protect her from the stranger that is her father."Absent criminal activity, substance abuse or mental incapacity, there is nothing you can do (and no need) to "protect" your child from her father. She's as much his kid as she is yours.It would be in your best interest to obtain a court order of support and visitation regardless of whether or not baby daddy is in the picture. It is very possible he could show up at any time and instantly turn your daughter against you by claiming he wanted to be a part of her life all along but you kept them apart (and technically he'd be correct). Likely baby daddy would have bailed in any event, but you never gave him a fair opportunity to come to terms with an unexpected pregnancy with a complete stranger. He may have very well eventually warmed to the idea of being an active, involved father and your daughter would be much better off having him in her life. Again, very selfish and unfair of you to visit your regret about the circumstances of conception upon the innocent result. And even if dad isn't involved, you're denying your daughter access to potentially loving, active and involved grandparents and other paternal family members, particularly cousins the of same age.Stop acting like a scorned and abandoned woman and start acting like a mother by putting your child's best interests and emotional well-being ahead of your emotions.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2013):
Listen, I know what you're going through, and I'm not without sympathy. In everyone's life, there's one or two things that make us human, that give us emotional scars. I want to appeal to your humanity with what I say, so I will be as kind as I can to you, if you agree to listen to what I say before you indulge a knee jerk emotional reaction and tune out my post.
Okay? I think you're a good mom, so we're proceeding under that premise.
You must separate the emotion from your decisions and the negative feelings you feel towards the father of your daughter for cutting you off. This is very important.
If you really cut through to the meat of the matter, this really isn't about "risking her life with a stranger". That's the altruistic excuse you've come up with to smooth things over. If you were really worried about risk, you would never have had a one night stand. You risked pregnancy and STI and the fact that he could have been a sexual assaulter. You aren't the sort of person terrified of risk, or your daughter wouldn't exist. I understand maturity now tempering your impulses, but this isn't what it is.
You don't think he deserves a relationship with his daughter. He wasn't the one who had to change her, or stay up all night with a 102 degree fever and throwing up all over, or go to work, only to sit in the car hugging the steering wheel bawling your eyes out because you have to bear the burden alone. So why the f*** does he get to have a relationship? His decision to puss out on you surely must cost him that, right?
Here's the thing. Even more than him. Even more than you. Your daughter needs the connection. She needs to at least have the opportunity. If you deny her that in the name of "protection", you will hurt her. How can you explain to her that you were "worried about the risk" if she grows up, lives on her own, and meets him, only to find out that he told her that you blocked every attempt?
Remember, this isn't about HIS visitation rights. It's about her rights. The daughter you've cried, anguished, and loved with every fiber of your being. You know you can't lie to her, because that's the goodness that's in you, and I applaud you for that.
So you know I stand for letting her seek him out, and doing what's right by her. If you're worried about safety, and she's a minor, you can go with her to meet him, or have her be with another trusted adult. Or, have her call him on the phone. She doesn't know if she has half brothers or sisters, or cousins she's never met.
So set aside your feelings about what he did to you, because your love for your daughter is greater than your hatred and pain. You *are* a good mom, so let your love for your daughter be greater than your anger and your belief that justice demands that he never have visitation rights like the asshat he was at the time. That is much more pure and much more altruistic than denying your daughter the right to satisfy her thirst/curiosity/need to know who she is by getting to know her dad. He may have matured like you have, for we do things in our youth that cause us to feel physical pain at the wrong choice we made. He may be the same, or he may still be an idiot.
It's okay. No matter what, your daughter will love you with all of her heart. You are strong, and you are good, and you can be stronger than the anger and hurt. Do it for your daughter.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (18 March 2013):
 HI
Although it will be hard he has every right to see his daughter regardless of how it all happened, and unless you can proove he is unsafe to be around your daughter if the time comes there is little you can do if he wants visitation rights.
I can't see him coming anytime soon to be honest though, as it's been 5 yrs already! as far as your daughter is concerned the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you to explain and for her to except, I would start off by talking about him to her/ NEVER bad mouth him as this could lead to resentment, maybe just say he loves her very much but he had to move away because he was scared to be a daddy. and like you said when she is a little bit older if she wants to find him then help her the best you can.
you could write a letter to him and ask if he still feels the same and wants nothing to do with his daughter? put a photo of her in the letter this will give him reality and maybe he will realise what his doing is wrong, and that he should be a part of her life...if you get no reply OR he still don't want to know then it will be HIS loss, your daughter will know who was always there for her and she will always love you so much for that. Try not to worry he would have to go through many hoops before being allowed access to your daughter, he wont be able to just jump into her life again unless you allow him to.
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): As a man I will never understand the fear that you are going through so take my comments as how I would feel if the situation had happened to me. Please do not be offended nor feel that what I write is fact.Now if I slept with someone many years ago and there was a chance I had child I would want to know. I would hate it if there was someone out there that was questioning my character and felt like they had to protect our child from me. Presumably this is many years later so the fear of being a dad would for me at least have rubbed off and it would eat at me that I was missing so much of their life. I would be ashamed that I wouldnt be the one to teach them, help them, and love them.In saying all of this I understand the fear of the unknown, it is just my opinion that it is unfair to deny all paternity because of that fear. Could it be that you are also protecting yourself from the thought of having to share something that was all yours for many years of hard work? Do you feel that he does not deserve a role because he wasnt there for sleepless nights and nappy changes?Maybe get to know him, see how he feels about the idea. As for visitation I think he has a right to them whether you feel he deserves them or not. Just my opinion, very difficult. sorry things are tough but every child deserves their mother and father.
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