A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship where my girlfriend lives in England and I'm in Wales.I haven't seen her since the end of March due to lockdown and even though things are now easing slightly regarding lockdown, the rules/guidance are still slightly different for each place which complicates our situation.We have agreed to respect each others wishes about not travelling as per the social distance, but this is where things have changed since England were allowed to form a 'social bubble'.I spoke to her last night and she said that because she is finding it hard being on her own with lockdown with not having much company, plus she doesn't know many people around her etc, she has invited her male (single) colleague who she says she is close to, to be her social bubble.Apparently, tonight after they finish work (she is depot manager and he is assistant manager), they are driving in her car to her house, 'hanging out', ordering a takeaway, drink a bottle of wine, play X-Box games and watch films. And he is staying overnight (in the spare room) before getting the bus back tomorrow morning. Of course I am not happy about this, but she has assured me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic interest in him but she just wanted to have another person to hang out with since I'm temporarily far away logistically. She is 49 and he is 27.I trust her but naturally I feel really uncomfortable about this.Am I right to feel this way or is she wrong?Thank for any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Well you already know that they spend a lot of time together, due to working together and both being managers. So it seems logical that your gf would be comfortable around him, unlike her other coworkes, who she managers and cannot get too close with. Like the anonymous male said, with you being long distance, and have not had sex with your gf, since March, you are expecting too much from her, to not enjoy some male company in her nonworking hours! It is silly too, that they would sleep in different beds in different rooms, cutting of their ability to talk and cuddle at bedtime! The thing that you are forgetting OP, is that women need to feel a sense of security, and during this pandemic, it will help your gf feel more secure, to feel her friends arms around her! I think that you should give your gf, a free pass, to sleep with her assistant, in your absence. She would realise what an exceptional man, that you are, for placing her comfort, security, and sexual gratification, ahead of any sort of jealousy! Xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): OP, I surely understand your discomfort with another man spending the night at your LDgfs home. You might be wise to do what some uni students have to do though. When a couple who live in a given home town, go away to two different unis, for 9mos of study, many will agree to put their relationship on temporary hold, for the schoolyear, and agree that seeing other people, during the school term, is Ok. By agreement, they see others until they are re united again, and they inform each other about what they have each done, with other people. The advantage is the fully transparent nature of their relationship, so that no lying or cheating is ever involved in their relationship! Many couples find a very erotic value in discussing what they have done with another sex partner, openly with their mate, via tele or e mail! Since March, is a very long time for a lady, to go with no sex, and you would be wise to let your gf have these sleepovers and tell her that you understand if they sleep in her bed, together!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2020): You are also at least 15 yrs her junior. Have you slept with her? Do you think she is a push over? Do you trust her with a young stud of 22 yrs her junior? I have had my share of older women in the past and let us be honest in such relationships sex is usually the only common denominator between you. As an inexperienced young man you might already see the stars twinkling the flowers opening and the church bells ringing but she aint that fool unless she is a fool. Anyway you have no option but to accept the fact that they are going to stay the night together. It all depends if you can trust her. You know her better.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (21 June 2020):
The idea that the only person she could find to hangout with play games with drink with and then spend the night with is a guy 22 years her junior is patently absurd and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here.
Nothing may happen between them this time. But she is auditioning this guy as a potential replacement for you should this LDR thing you have going on not work out.
Lots of luck guy.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (20 June 2020):
She likes her younger men, doesn't she? Not surprised you are not comfortable with this. In your position I wouldn't like it either.
Difficult because you can't dictate who she sees as friends and she could tell you to sling your hook if you push this but I can fully understand your discomfort.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2020):
 How long have you two been dating?
How often did you USED to see each other and were/are there any plans so far of either (or both) of you moving closer?
The biggest reason LDR fizzle out is distance and lack of intimacy and spending time IN person.
She craved company and asked the first person she thought would say yes.
I would raise the issue here with her. Would SHE be OK if YOU invited a woman over (someone you aren't romantically interested in) and that woman slept over?
She might not really think about it being a big deal because she ISN'T interested in anything but some company, but she might understand why you would find it a bit off, if you ask her how she would feel if YOU did the same. It might dawn on her that it's not really the best idea when you are in a committed relationship to have other men over for sleepovers. She is OLD enough to know better.
OTH do you expect her to be all by herself until YOU are able to visit? IF he is one of the few people she actually know enough to hang out with, what then? She should just sit and twiddle her thumbs until you can visit? I mean, most people enjoy socializing, she does too. So it's something to consider in the back of your mind.
You know her, do you think she would betray your trust? If not, then I would trust her but I would also bring it up. Because THAT is what you do in a relationship if you FEEL like one of your boundaries has been compromised.
I also think you need to consider this LDR. If you have been dating longer than a year is it time to make plans to move closer to each other? Is it realistic? Can either of you get a job where the other one live?
LDR's have an expiration date. If they don't turn in to a relationship where you can ACTUALLY spend a lot of time IN PERSON, what is really the point? Which is why... many LDR runs out in the sand after a while.
It's easy to TALK future, TALK making plans, it's a whole other ball game to actually DO IT. I know from personal experience. My husband and I were in a LDR for about 18 months and then the plans we had TALKED about were set into motion. That was 20+ years ago. Talk is cheap. And actions DO speak louder than words.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): You have the right to feel uncomfortable but that doesn't mean she is wrong. She is a manager and he is her assistant. He may be the only person on the job she can befriend because they are on the management team together.
If something was going on between them she could sleep with him without ever saying a thing to you about him. By letting you know in advance she is being open and transparent about what is going on while you're apart.
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (20 June 2020):
 Sorry but she is well old enough to know this just isn't a cool move and personally I don't think it is much to do about trust either, more about respect. I think you'd be hard pressed to have many disagree that loneliness, wine , a single younger man and a bf miles away an obvious outcome. Does she have no GFs? The issue is even if you do talk to her how will you ever know either way. Im sorry but this would be a deal breaker if it were me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): Thanks Kenny.
Yes she does have a few female friends that could have gone around, but lately she's been quite 'pally' with this male colleague. She says that they are 'just good friends', but to me she's gone too far my having him stay over, even if they were in separate beds.
I'll talk to her and try to get her to understand my concerns.
Thanks for your valued and helpful response.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): You say you trust her and then counter that with a load of mistrust. Either you trust her or you don't.
There are no guarantees in any relationship that it will last forever and there will never be any temptations around, which is why, without trust, a relationship cant work. Especially a long distance one.
The way I'm seeing it is that she told you all about her plans, she could have kept them secret. She has sought to inform you and reassure you. People do need to hang out if at all possible, we all know it's been a long time. If I were you, I would tell her that I hope she has a great evening and leave her to it. She will be greatly impressed by your trust and you will go up in her estimation. Her feelings for you will grow because of this. IF however, you become the clingy, untrusting boyfriend, she will feel the opposite.
Has she ever given you any reason not to trust her? From what you've written in your post, she sounds trustworthy. But I don't know, no-one does. This is where trust comes in. What could you do anyway? Tell her not to have male friends over to stay the night? You could. You could say that this makes you feel too uncomfortable and that you want to ask her not to invite him. Or invite him, but he doesn't spend the night. See how that goes. Not that that would make the slightest difference, IF something happened.
If your girlfriend having male friends is a deal breaker for you, then maybe you need to finish it and preferably find someone closer to home. Otherwise you run the risk of being controlling and telling her what she can and cant do, who she can and cant see. That's never good.
I also cant help but notice the little slip at the end of your post, which basically says am I right or am I right.
I had a boyfriend who only had female friends. He was abused as a child by a man and so did not like being around them. One evening we were meeting up to go dancing as we often did, but he told me he was meeting his friend (female) for dinner first and so might be a bit late. I didn't remark, just said fine I'd see him later and all through the dinner he kept texting me, I think to reassure me. To the point where it was rude to his friend I felt, so I stopped replying and let them have their time together. When we did meet up later, I have never seem him look so happy. I asked him jokingly if he was drunk and he said he was happy because he was with me. I later found out that his friend had a partner and a child together and that my boyfriend and her and her boyfriend were all friends. I didn't know that at the time, but trusting him made him love me more.
Your call.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 June 2020):
 I can see why you are uncomfortable with this, who woulden't be, also coupled with the fact that he is 22 years younger than her.
Surely she must have female friends that she knows who she could share time with. Instead she has chosen a young guy who she is ordering takeaway with, having wine with, playing x box with, and watching films with, then him spending the night, in the spare room allegedly.
I don't think your wrong to feel the way you are feeling, infact i could not imagine that many guy's out there would be comfortable with this, i'm not sure i would be to be honest.
Yes relationships are all about trust, and yes trust in a relationship is probably one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together.
You are just going to have to trust her when she says they are just friends, and that she has no romantic interest in him. Easier said than done i know, because i guess at the end of the day you are never really going to know what happened, just your girlfriends word.
If you are really uncomfortable with this, maybe broach the subject with her and tell her how you are feeling.
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