A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for three years now, been married to him for two. We have a one year old daughter. My husband started verbally abusing me seven months into our relationship, but I didn't really think anything of it until just two weeks after we got married. That's when he started slapping me across the face when he came home stressed out from work. That first time, I confronted him about it and he told me he was really sorry and it would never happen again and he loves me more than life itself. Being that we were already married and I felt I was madly in love with him, I accepted the apology and moved on.That is, until it happened again just a month later. This time they were harder and there were two more hits... and he started up the verbal abuse again. After a while, I started wondering if I really was everything he claimed I was: a bad mother and wife. Stupid and irrational. Unworthy of his trust and an ugly whore. It didn't make any sense that he was telling me all this on a constant basis because at first, I didn't think any of it was true, but I found myself starting to become convinced of it and I tried perfecting myself. But to no avail.When I first noticed the bruise on my daughter's back, I immediately sought shelter with her in a battered women's shelter. But he found us and convinced the women at the front desk that he was my cousin and my daughter and I can live with him for a while after everything with my husband clears up. They let us go because not only did I not dare protest but the women at the front desk found that they were becoming too full and needed a little more room in the shelter for those women who do not have the trusted family members. So, my daughter and I left the shelter and went back home with my abusive husband. That was two weeks ago, by the way.To be honest, it isn't even about my own safety anymore; it's about my daughter's. I don't care that my husband hits me and calls me names all the time, but when I saw that bruise on my daugher's back, that was crossing a line I didn't even know existed. I need to get my daughter and I out of this, but I have no clue how! The women's shelter is out of the question because I already tried that crap. My parents live two states away and my nearest trusted relative is thirteen hours away driving distance. Please, I'm begging you, help me and my daughter. We need out, now!
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (1 March 2009):
 Congratulations and hugs to you for being brave and leave your husband. It took courage, strength and determination.
But what I want to say the most, is that I applaud you to want to help others as your career. There are many many different paths you can take to do that. Criminal justice is one, When you go around to various non-profit organizations (focusing on abused women and children) you will find that those working there have different degrees or skills.
Thank you, for being a good strong person for all of us!
Cat
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (28 February 2009):
 It's not kidnapping since you are her legal guardian and have custody of her. Thank you for leaving! Stay strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Thanks for all the advice everyone who answered has given! I'm truly appreciative! Last night, my husband went out to rent a movie for us all to watch and in that time, I got my daughter's baby bag ready, my own suitcase ready, and left with my daughter. I'm not going to say where we are at the moment because if my husband finds out about this site, I don't want him to know where our daughter and I are. At the moment, I'm just really hoping he doesn't file kidnapping charges but I do have pictures and my own body to prove that he abused me countless times. I'm going to the authorities a little later this evening to let them know what's up and to file a restraining order against my husband. I will also file for a divorce.
I didn't know what I wanted to do in college (that's why I only received an Associate's in Science), but I think I know what I want to pursue: Criminal Justice. No one should have to put up with what I put up with for three years; especially a child. I want to be an advocate for women's and children's rights.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (27 February 2009):
All human beings deserve to be loved and respected, not abused and disrespected.
Your primary maternal instincts have kicked in, your daughter's safety first over yours. But seriously, you can only protect your daughter safely when you are well - physically and psychologically.
In addition to Jessica04's suggestion, there two things that you MUST do NOW:
1. PLAN AHEAD.
By now, I hope you have enough documentation to prove that your daughter and you have been physically abused by your husband. In other words, your husband has already endangered both your lives. If you have copies, keep these documents safe, preferrably within easy access whenever you need it as proof to the authorities. This may mean not keeping it at your own house, because if he found out, he may destroy those documents.
If you need to get out of the house, make sure you have all the important things lined up or kept ready for when you need to leave at short notice. But do this very very carefully, so that he does not suspect you. If necessary, take them out of the house gradually so he would not notice. These would include, basic necessities like clothes, money, bank account, medication, school items for your daughter.
2. SAFE SHELTER,
"Shelter" is used here in its boradest meaning, it could be a house run by an organization, it could also be a friend's or relative's place that are willing to take you and your daughter in.
Your husband is either highly intelligent and resourceful to be able to find the shelter that you were in, or that you had somehow told people (whom you thought you could trust) or even your own husband, where you were. Maybe not when you were there, but maybe you have somehow mentioned it to him in the past. To the best of my knowledge, such a shelter would never "promote" its presence in by putting a huge big sign that says "Shelter for Abused Women and Children". That would defeat the purpose, right?
By the same reasoning, I think it would be a bad idea for you to seek shelter in a place known well by your husband, or a place where he can find you simply by snooping around your address book or talking to your friends for instance.
Even a shelter run by a professional organization could not make you stay against your own will. They can advise you not to go, and even ask to make sure that you will stay safe when you leave, but unless you protested against the person who wanted to take you away, they cannot stop you. Again, if they did that, they would be committing the same "abuse" (i.e. holding you against your wishes). Unless, of course, you have a restraininbg order against your husband, in which case, the shelter can help protrcting you by not allowing your husband to be anywhere near you.
A professionally run shelter have people who can help you in many ways, but unfortunately - as you have experienced firsthand - many are underfunded and short staffed. A true and generous friend may be able to let you stay in their house and support you financially, but they may not be able to help heal your mental wounds. You may need a trained or experienced person to do this. Having said that, you may be able to find a combination that fits your needs best.
if you did a small search here on "Dear Cupid" site, using the keywords abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, shelter, and so forth, you will find that (unfortunately) you are not alone in this and that you will find many who are very sympathetic toward your hardship and suffering right now. Many "aunts" also have given very useful links to the web that you can look into. Furthermore, through your own research, I am sure that you will find people/support groups around your who will support you in any way they can.
Again, I cannot enough that love equals respect and care. He loves you, so he should respect you and care for you and your daughter, and not hit you and make you feel less of a good person.
Stay strong please, for you and your daughter.
Cat
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A
female
reader, uluvme0723 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 What state are in in? If that's not asking too much. But I work for a shelter and I'm very resourceful. You need to act quickly. Before god forbid, its too late. If all else fails go to the police. And do not take no for answer. Domestic voilence is a growing problem. I hate to see women go through things like this especially when its children involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Whoever you are, I truly sympathize with you. You and your baby deserve someone better than that coward. Have you ever thought of calling your parents and arranging for them to take your daughter and then you join them afterwards or catching a greyhound from him? I know it sounds farfetched but you can't stay in that situation.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (27 February 2009):
You need to file charges with the police for domestic abuse against you and abuse of a minor for your daughter. They will take photo evidence of any bruising, though I hope you do not wait long enough for that to happen again.
File charges and go to your parents! Talk to the police and an attorney to find out what you need to do to pursue this from another state.
File for domestic abuse now! This will hopefully make it harder for him to have custody of your daughter. I know we women often put up with more abuse than we ever should, but please, for your daughter, get away from him!
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