A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a guy for a couple of months. At first he was keener than me, seemed a "decent" guy so I decided to give him a chance. Mistake. We dated once a weekish and things began to feel strained. I noticed I was texting him first. I began to feel he was not interested. But then we went to a social occasion of his best friend, I went as his date, and by the way he acted; he stayed by my side and talked to me almost all day, danced with me, said I should get time off for his birthday, and really acted smitten with me, all my friends said so too; so all of my doubts evaporated. Then it stared again. He didn't call or text, so I did, we saw each other and he seemed off with me. Not attentive, not interested. So after that I let him text. We met again once then finally he asked to meet and said it's not working. I agree, it wasn't.I just don't get, why invite me to a social event and act as though you are really into me, when you are not? I feel like such a fool. I was willing to give him a chance because he was supposedly and nice guy. Turns out he's hurt me too. Ok, thats that story over...Part 2...So literally 2 days before jerky nice guy dumped me, I met up with some great friends of mine. One of them being a guy I have always had a thing for, whom I love very much as a friend. I was flirting with him, lets face it I knew things were over with whatshisface. And another friend said why didn't myself and my good friend ever date as we like each other. I said timing. So we were chatting and flirting and he was being really sweet. He has lost a family member under horrible circumstances recently and has been very emotional about that and I've been talking to him about it. He rang me later after i'd gone home and was a little emotional and asked if I'd go for coffee with him thus week. i said yes of course and Id get back to him. But then my head has been up my bum because of being dumped i havnt had the strength to call him. I sent him a text saying id been dumped and id call him about the coffee later. he didnt reply, but he doesnt always, he likes calls. I am afraid to call now because 1) my self esteem is shattered, 2)I care very much about this guy and don't want to seem really needy or for him to think I want to get with him as a rebound thing but 3) i don't want to be rude and ignore his offer or let him down as he needs friends around him right now. I dont want him to think I've rejected him. But Im also concerned that he will have forgotten the conversation and everything that happened that night because he was drunk. I should really just call for a chat. I need to somehow get a grip of myself.
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, flirt, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks BondGirl. I should have mentioned that, but I was very emotional and just venting my feelings. "Guy 2" has also lost a family member, in a much more traumatic way than myself. I lost 2 elderly people, but they meant a lot to me and it was a shock to lose them both so close together. I am meeting up with my friend, guy 2, but I've calmed down about what it will mean lol! It's amazing what a PMT, hungover, unhappy brain will stress over. You are right I do need to regain some inner peace as my emotions have been all over the place. I had felt alright, coping, until things ended with the guy I was seeing, because I did like him and I had wanted it to work. Now I am glad because now I am free to stop wondering what was happening between us, as I knew deep down it wasn't working, although I wasn't ready to admit it because, like Thadeus described, I thought he was a lovely guy and would be perfect for me, but we were missing that connection feeling, that click, although I was thinking it might come in time. But I respect his decision and thank him for letting me go to find someone better for me. So I'm ok with it. Just feeling somewhat depressed in myself right now. I will feel things are ok again and feel happy, then I'll slip back into a downer and not know how to get out. I need to find some inner peace and things to feel happy about and things to do that will cheer me up. I am very lucky in my life to have amazing people around me. I have so much to be grateful for, I just need to remember that :) Thanks for your replies, they helped me gain some perspective :)
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 I didn't understand that you had lost two family members...I thought Guy 2 had lost someone. I can understand why you are not dealing with things well if you lost two of your family. Plus, losing the guy you liked. Just give yourself time. I would probably take time out from men until you feel comfortable dating again. You've been through a lot of emotional turmoil and just need to regain some inner peace.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you know what I genuinely understand what you are saying Thadeus about him wanting to like me but just not feeling it. If I am honest I felt the same way and I actually told him that. He is a good guy, and I wanted to give it a chance. Guess I was bummed out because I thought he was really into me and I wanted to give things a go between us, and though the feeling would come. But he didn't. That's cool. I do totally forgive him and respect his wishes.
I was just very emotional and wigging out last night when I wrote this. I was venting and I feel I overreacted now. I have lost 2 family members also in the last 2 months. I'm finding it very hard to understand and control my emotions.
So BondGirl, I wasn't devastated just because of being dumped. Just with already grieving 2 people, this happening also sent me into a right mess. I understand it is very sad and pathetic. I did invest a lot of myself into this short relationship, I guess. I do not date someone unless I really want it to work. I had known this guy for a long time as friends btw, so it's not like we just met. But I know what you are saying. I don't know why I invest so much of myself so soon in relationships. It is pathetic and stupid. I need to learn to calm down and have more respect for myself.
This is the reason I didn't call Guy 2. I was an emotional wreck and didn't want to speak to him like that. I also have a stupid fear of phone conversations anyway. I do want to speak to him and now I feel more stable, I can call him tomorrow. I want to be there for him as a friend. I didn't cancel the coffee, I said would call about it later and I didn't say in the text "I'm feeling down because I got dumped a while back, I'm not sure if I should go out with you", I said, "I am feeling bad because I have just been dumped, so I'll call tomorrow and do you still want to meet up?"
I do feel very sad and pathetic about the way I deal with stressful events. I am very sensitive and take things to heart too. Of course I want to be there for my friend and of course I will get coffee and be there for him. It was just bad timing. I can't face other people when I am feeling as low as I was last night and I can't look after myself. Everything was too much last night. My family member's funeral was 5 days ago, and I lost another family member 2 months ago, and this just broke me. Thank god I got through it. I was ashamed of my state of mind and didn't want to speak to him like that.
Thank you Thadeus what you said made a lot of sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 September 2012):
Not to mention that Guy 2 just lost a family member and probably really needed a friend, but you won't even get coffee with him. Sorry, but that is sad.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 September 2012):
Why are you devastated after only knowing a guy for two months? What is there to be devastated about? It didn't work,so move on. It is sad that you have invested so much of yourself in a guy you only knew for such a short time period.
As for the new guy, I am not sure he wants to see you after you cancel getting coffee with him. Getting coffee is not getting engaged. You are treating it as if you are getting engaged or signing your life away. Guy #2 probably didn't respond to the text about you getting dumped because men who are interested in you don't like to hear "I'm really down because I got dumped awhile back and don't know if I really want to go out with you".
That makes you sound sad and pathetic.
Turn the tables around and see how you'd like some guy you were interested in saying "My girl just dumped me and I'm not sure I should go out with you." You'd call him a loser and move on.
If you're interested in Guy 2, you'd better change your tune and quick. Forget Guy 1, call Guy 2, and say you are sorry for the episode you had and you'd like that coffee after all. Or, if you don't feel like you want to date anyone, don't. Take time out and figure out what you really want before getting involved with anyone.
...............................
A
male
reader, Thadeus74  +, writes (25 September 2012):
Hey
Woah, sounds like that first guy just wasn't ready for a relationship, or just not that into you. About the way he behaved so into you at that party, mmh... well, I'm a guy and I've done that too. It's quite weird, but some of us do this as a way of trying to hypnotize ourselves that we have to "be into this girl", because we find her so cool we don't understand why our feelings don't follow suit.
You ever been seeing someone you really wish you could be with because you find them so fine and interesting, but deep inside you feel you're not really in love with them and you just can't see why, because they'd be so great for you? You know, the mind says yes but the heart says: "eeer, not sure about this, kinda confusing and so unfair...". Well, that's probably what your Whatshisface went through, so just move on but don't be too hard on him or on you own self-esteem. Life is weird like that sometimes, just be good to yourself and forgive him, he's probably bummed out about it too.
We all want love too desperately, so sometimes it takes us a while to figure out we're searching in the wrong places. Happens to the best of us. So let's give everyone a break.
Once you manage to truly process this, you'll be in peace with yourself and open to start something else on a good basis: that being "I am good enough, nothing is wrong with me, and I forgive others for hurting me, they're just as lonely and lost as I am".
That will teach you compassion.
That will make you less desperate.
More confident.
More patient.
Patience will help you meet up with this good friend you seem to like so much without being scared of hurting him or yourself, or being anxious to let a good thing go away.
Just tell your true friend about how you feel.
Be strong enough to be totally open, and trust he'll understand and wait untill you're ready.
If he doesn't, it just wasn't meant to be and you will still stay great friends, hopefully, because you respected each other and weren't afraid of the other's judgement.
If he does, well... you're on, knowing open communication and mutual understanding are the best way to build a lasting love story.
Good luck!
We all deserve to try our best to live in harmony, so don't mind the bumps on the road.
We'll get there...
Thadeus
...............................
|
