A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here is a little backgroundI have been married for 12 years year, have two children 5 and 12.. Have not been happy for sometime, husband is extremely verbally abusive to me and the kids and has basically ruined my self confidence. I have not left since the children need their father. However, I have now asked for a divorce and decided I need to be happy.I dated R in highschool 20 years ago. we were very close friends as well as lovers. We didn't make it do to many bad choices on both of our parts. I have seen him many times in the past twenty years, i was even invited to his wedding. He is now divorced for 12 years. I have been in contact with all of his family for past twenty years and they all consider me part of the family. Sisters feel we should've been together 20 years ago, when things got really bad at home, was told to go to him that he will take me in.R and i started talking again this past summer. We were planning on seeing each other it has been over 5 years. I had planned on a strictly platonic meeting since we were such good friends. It started that way, unfortunately ending another way. Which i know was wrong, but it done with. Approximatley 1 month later, we lost a friend of both of our in a car wreck, R lives in another state 3 hours away. I was asked to attend services and I did, I did stay by R home. I was very surprised on the way this man now lives. When he was young, he had a very bad childhood and now has grown up into responsible man, own home, takes care of everything he has and is very good to me. I spent the weekend and we had a nice time considering the circumstance and I left and went home.We continued to speak on the phone frequently until it stopped for no reason. R and I had another meeting planned a few weeks later. Sister informed me he didn't want me to call anymore, he did not want me to get in trouble at home and he would see me in a few weeks. I sent him a card apologizing stating I never meant to get him into this mess.Apprehensively, I did go for our weekend. Hadn't been able to speak with him, so i didn't know how this was going to go. Much to my surprise, I had the best weekend of my life, but he would not discuss that I could not call him and he could not call me as I was married. This weekend was not based on sex, this was almost non-existant. It was more on making me happy and taking care of me, something he was never good at doing. Here are a few things that stand out in my mind. The letter I sent him was still sitting on his desk when I arrived, but never mentioned. 1. Made sure I met all of his friends and was very open about who I was, how long I've been in his life.2. Made sure all his family was able to see me including, mother, sister, grandparents.3. Would physically pay for everything (this doesn't matter, however, it is not like him at least 20 years ago)4. Made of me dinner when I was hungry even though he doesn't cook5. Asked me if we could watch his god-daughter for weekend, 4 year old, instructed her I was aunt C.6. Took long walk with god daughter and the two us,l showing me everything around his home, watching deer7. Took me to his quiet space where he goes to think, telling me I need to find a similar place at home9. I know there is no one else, he had me answering phone and cell phone no problem. 8. Falling asleep on my lap, as if it were the most natural thing to do.9. Talked to me about mistakes in his past, things he wants in the future, but never directing anything directly to me.10. I told him I would not be coming back, his response was yes you will.Overall, the weekend, was very relaxed and just like we were a couple. Needless to say, the day I was leaving everything changed. He withdrew, just got up started working around the house, staying away from me. When it came time for me to go home, he told me to wait, he finished what he was going, walked me to the car and kissed me goodbye told me to call when I got home and let me go.When I got home, I called to say I was there safely, he told me to call him later. I spoke with him one more time, it was a bad time and he was at work. Ever since then he will not answer my calls, (1 week).. I'm not sure if I should be concerned. I know he cares, but I kind of feel he is trying to push me away. I am leaving my husband still, not for him, but for me and the kids, I don't even know if I'd go to him if wanted. I do love him, but I need to find myself first. Help, I can't get him out of my mind.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (27 October 2008):
Hi,I would think it is perfectly normal for a woman to be impressed by a man who treats us well, specially after an abusive relationship. therefore, I see no wrong in having him 'in your mind' all the time. Maybe it has also made you realise that you can find someone (if not him) that can make you feel good, important, cherished, looked after...Give yourself time when you are separated/divorced to find out things about yourself and your friend and other people you may start to know.Good luck!Gio
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