A
female
age
30-35,
*orrytoomuch
writes:So my ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago after being together for two years. The reason was because he felt we needed space. Basically the whole 2 years was all about each other...we were each others lives.He even talked about marriage a lot.. and always said he could see me in his future forever..but that scared him because of the responsibilities the future brought. And since we are so young I completely understood and agreed...especially since we were fighting a lot lately. We were also going through the whole long distance thing this past school year since college.He also told me he felt like he ultimately was being the person he thought I wanted him to be and not who HE wanted to be. Like pertaining to future plans with his education,etc. So we broke up and from day 1 of the breakup he insisted that he was still in love with me and thought we would get back together.. that we just needed this time.So 3 weeks passed until we talked again. I needed closure and he said he couldn't give it to me because it wasn't over for him. So... We both decided to see each other. And that was very emotional. He cried and said he missed me and said "i love you" and then I said "i love you too".. after that he said that that was what he needed to hear. He held my hand during our meeting and really showed that he missed me and still loved me. However, he was still set on needing "the time". He insisted that he felt like it would only help us on the long run. And we agreed to keep in contact once a week. He kissed and hugged me before we left and asked if he could call me that night. So he did.. and it was a very nice/emotional convo about us. He told me I was still his best friend. And maintained the same need for space but ended the convo with an "i love you".After this we tried to staying contact but it ended up keeping me waiting around for his call and I realized that it wasn't good for me...since he obviously didn't want to be with me. So I told him that I couldn't and he said he was only doing so because he thought that's what I wanted.. I said I needed to move on and he said "i thought that's what we were doing".. to make sure what we have is real. And yet still said he was in love with me.Basically it's been almost 3 weeks now since then and I really miss him. I don't know what to do. My dad was just diagnosed with possible heart failure and I just really need my ex for support. I feel so alone.. Any advice? I don't want to contact him to just push him away more.. but I also don't want to lose him. However I have heard that love doesn't just go away... I'm just confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): I do have a great news, my boyfriend and I are back together again after almost five months when he ended our relationship, I never thought I would see him again because he was in love with another woman, well, he thought he was in love. But now he is back, he told me how much he sorry about everything he did. I feel so happy again! Thanks
A
female
reader, worrytoomuch +, writes (27 May 2009):
worrytoomuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve.. That was really nice and has made me feel better. You are right. It's just so hard. We were not each other's first serious..we both had one other serious before each other. But you are right. It's so hard to accept after being together so long and thinking he's the one for so long. Thanks for the encouraging words.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 You and your ex are probably each others first serious relationship and you'll always remember one another. I feel, although your ex likes you a lot he's been unhappy. You are both maturing and changing as time goes on and I think his priorities have changed. He wants to explore and meet others before he even considers settling down with someone, to be a free spirit and see where life takes him. The distance thing seems to be annoying him too.
However he is letting you know that a part of him will always love you no matter what the outcome here. He just feels he wants to spread his wings a bit. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!"
Don't feel bad about it and don't feel it's a reflection on you, it's not. He's just "growing up". He may well come back to you if you're the right person for him but don't run after him, let him go.
"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were..."
~Eve~
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female
reader, worrytoomuch +, writes (27 May 2009):
worrytoomuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow.. Thanks for the responses but for the first response-- I did not sleep with him after he broke up with me. I've never slept with him actually in the whole two years. I believe that's between a man and a woman who are married.
And as far as everyone else.. I really appreciate your help. It's nice hearing everyone's perspectives, especially the serious ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): This is a hard one, not going to lie.
With every relationship that has a long winded ending, especially after one where you were together for so long and have become dependant on one another for even the most remedial tasks, you feel like you are meant for eachother. That being "untogether" is not an option and is unnacceptable. This dependance on one another is misleading and can be interpreted as a deep and profound love. It is a lot like flattery in this sense. When a person says they love you, you are flattered and feel all warm and fuzzy, of course you are going to say "i love you too" back. I'd like to point out this happens early on in relationships and in more developed ones this flattery goes away and turns into what could potentially be real and heart wrenchingly beautiful love.
Nietzche said that the tendency of humans is to rush into getting married because it is the next logical and rational thing to do. He argued that this was a silly idea as humans aren't fully developed in time to rush off and get married as soon as they are out of their diapers and away from parental controlls. Think of all the things that could happen to you in the next little while, perhaps you'll meet someone that changes your mind completely about your boyfriend, or maybe you will experience something that draws you both close enough to obviously see you are meant for one another.
I think seperating though is kind of stupid. In highschool, people take 'breaks' from eachother with the intent of either a) causing drama because the relationship has becoming boring and predictable or b) the person who initiated the split (aka your bf) actually isn't all that into the relationship as much as he says he is. I made the mistake of thinking "aww how adorable!" whenever my ex would say that he loved me after an argument. It was his way of getting out of what was undoubtedly his mistake and didn't want me to see it so he blinded me with flattery.
Love doesn't just go away. Of course it doesn't. It helps if you put your relationship into a different context. Maybe try to look from the outside in at both of you to see if you can find something that can point u in the right direction of what it is you are looking for, whether it is closure or a thunderclap of reason which makes you both run towards eachother proclaiming an undying love. Also trying to define love helps. If you REALLY love this guy, you should be able to account for those feelings meaning why and how. Why do you love him? and dont use the whole "oh he's so funny and charming" that is his personality. You could get away with saying "his personality clicks with mine and we understand eachother" Even then it sounds like a friendship, not a 'relationship.'
Love is different for everyone. We all have our own individual needs and wants and so on and so forth. I think of love as being a line. When you cross that line it means that the person in question's feelings matter without having anything to do with yourself. Up until then, you think of the person only with regards to yourself. For example, "Oh i wonder how so and so will react when i tell them this about myself"...vs..."i hope so and so is alright after being rejected from university". This shows the difference between caring how someones feelings affect you vs caring how someone feels in general, regardless of whether u are there or not. This isnt exactly romantic, but love doesn't always have to be.
I'm sorry to here about your dad, and it is perfectly natural to need support, and who's to say you couldn't get it from your ex if they are someone you feel comfortable with enough to pour your heart out to. This is not a time to think "oh what will he think if i move slightly to the left...teheehhe" because this is a very serious matter. The only thing i would possibly consider worrying about is your ex's reaction to you seeking them out for comfort. If he takes this opportunity wizely he wont even think of trying to get back together with u. He should be there as support and as a friend, not a hopeful guy with an itch to scratch.
I hope this has helped somewhat. I'm sure everything will work itself out and try to put into perspective what really matters right now.
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female
reader, You Heard Me +, writes (26 May 2009):
I'm sorry to tell you honey but this guy has just let you down easy. He dumped you without the drama of having dumped you. Instead of saying it's over he gave you false hope to keep you at arms length while he played and to keep you close so that you wouldnt go out and play too soon. As for your dad, I hope he is doing better. Go to God for everything, you dont need the ex anymore. He seems like a gamer. People start out super and sometimes end up stinking worse than an arm pit. Pick up the pieces, pray for guidance, and do not call him no matter what... the healing process starts today. It will not hurt much longer. Someday you will look back and think, why did it take me so long to get out of this thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I'm sorry for what happened to your dad and it must be a difficult time for you. However, when someone tells you they need space, they are not the person you turn to for support. If your ex is the only person that you depend on for emotional support, this may have been a contributing factor to why he is distancing himself from you. No one, except a controlling person, wants to feel like they are the only thing in the universe to you.
I also think that you would be using this as a way to get your ex back into your life more and that will backfire on you, it will make you feel more lonely and alone.
He is setting boundaries with you by saying he only wants contact once a week and this may because you are too needy and clingy with him.
Your mother and other family members probably need your support and this is a good opportunity to get outside yourself and be there for others, that can be healing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Turn to your friends? Your ex keeps telling you he wants space so even though he probably still cares for you, the last thing a guy wants to deal with is heavy emotion so use your friends for that.
I'm also guessing you slept with him again after he dumped you so as hard as this is to here, he may have just said what you wanted to hear in order to get the good stuff. If he were in love with you, he'd want to be with you, not ask for space.
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