A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. i'm 30 years old. I've been with my husband since I was 20. When I met him I was fresh out of a relationship and wasn't really looking to get into anything new. However I met him and he was different than anyone I had ever dated..sweet, respectful, same values, and I felt that he would never hurt me. We married after 3 yrs of dating. I knew then that i wasn't in love but i was marrying my bestfriend. I felt that I could make it work because I did love him as a person and for a while we had a great time together. We've gotten through alot of obstacles and have had the normal up's and down's of any marriage. At one point we even went to marriage counseling. I've spent the greater part of my marriage feeling like something is missing. I've talked to my husband about it and although he has tried to make changes, the changes are usually short lived. ANYWAY, I'm at point now where I feel very unhappy and have felt this way for a while but have suppressed those feelings for the sake of our 2 1/2 yr. old. My husband is aware that I'm not in love with him (although he doesn't know that I've never been in love). He thinks I've fallen out of love and is aware that I'm thinking of leaving him. He has made so many changes but I feel that nothing he does can make me happy. I may have been able to continue with the marriage but over the years I've felt a real lack of physical, mental, and spiritual stimulation. I feel that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed and i almost feel like he is my other kid. I've managed every aspect of our lives throughout our marriage. Now he is working on changing all those things but I think it's too late. To make matters worse I've strayed from the marriage. I met someone almost 6 months ago. I find him exciting, stimulating, intelligent, funny, charming, ect.. I've been trying to make a choice about leaving my lover, who is in love with me, and continue to try to make my marriage work. I'm afraid that I will be giving up on my chance for happiness to stay in a marriage that will never make me happy only content. On the other hand I dont want to break my husbands heart and cause our son the pain of divorced parents. Should I seek divorce or maybe separation to clear my head??
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female
reader, idid768 +, writes (9 February 2018):
I can relate to this poster but I have never cheated. I have just never been in love with him. Think I married because my bio clock was ticking and I was scared.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): I was convinced I didn't love my husband so I asked to separate. However, whilst I was out of the country, I had a change of heart and started missing him. We separated nonetheless and I suffered a nervous breakdown. I was the source of my own unhappiness, not him. I'm not sure if you need to feel "in love." I also met my husband when I was 20, after a very painful "true love" relationship. Off course I didn't fall in love with him straight away. But after seven years, things do change. He was my emotional support and I didn't even recognize it. I made a mistake leaving, that is for sure but I just didn't know any better. He says he is happier now and I am happy that this is the case. We are dating but the path to reconciliation is a hard one. May it be for the best. After all, I can tell you I love that man with every inch of my soul. When you are in the marriage you have the chance to do something about this. Love is a tender, tender feeling, not a passionate eruption. When you leave the marriage, you might realize what you lost and how mistaken you've been.
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male
reader, Withnail700  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 I married when I was twenty eight, to the mother of my two young children. I wasn't in love with her and I knew it, but I felt duty bound as she'd intimated to me that she wanted to be married. The marriage only lasted a short time. And why? Because you can't live happily without love. We had two young kids, a house and all the pets, but at the end of the day you have to sacrifice whatever personal circumstances you're if you want to find your true path in love/love. The kids will be fine, they always are, and they'll be able to see their mum and dad as happier, more complete people in time. Don't feel bad, it's just the way the world is and you can't do anything to change it. People heal, time heals, just do what you have to do and go and live life true to yourself in whatever form that takes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): i am sorry to hear about your situation, and incredibly thankful..I have also been married for 10 years to someone i never loved and now intensely irritates me, it was a concious descision at the time, I knew he would help me acheive the kind of stability i craved for .. he's kind and good and needy, and has built his life around me so i feel like i'm suffercating- i just wish to be free of obligation, of being the reason of his life, I dont want that, i used to be afraid of being alone, but now i really on't care, i have 2 fab daughters, and the best that could happen is we quietly become joint carers for them, but i no longer have to be with him - life is so short, don't waste it by being miserable, people act as if marriage is sacred, its bollocks, its just a social convention to raise children with security, that can be achieved in other ways..the human race was around a long time before the church decided to ritualise everything! enjoy life, a lif lived without passion is a life half lived.
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female
reader, basketlady +, writes (13 November 2009):
I think that stories like this really tick people off because they are afraid that it might happen to them.
I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I got pregnant soon after we met and we decided to get married because it seemed like the logical thing to do. I knew I was making a mistake but due to the unplanned pregnancy I felt that I deserved to be pubished. So I married someone that I hoped I would grow to love. He couldn't have loved me - we didn't even know each other.
We have a great son and I think I have been very blessed in this life but I still don't love my husband the way a woman should love a man. He is another child that I've raised and just like you can't abandon a child (or at least I can't) I can't leave my husband. He knows that I am frustrated but he doesn't care because like a child, his emotional and physical needs are most important. I am an alcoholic (I have never admitted this before), am overweight, and feel moderately depressed all the time. I feel hopeless most of the time.
I discussed leaving the relationship with my husband the day after our son moved out and into his own apartment. I offered to give my husband everything we owned except my my clothes and my car. I offered to help pay the bills even if I didn't live there anymore. I offered to offset the mortgage payment so he could stay in the house. I told him that there was no one else (and there never has been)and that I would always be his best friend. I offered to split my retirement with him when that day came so he wouldn't suffer in his old age. My husband became livid because he is terrified of being alone. It's all about him. He slept for 2 days, refusing to get up to eat, feed the pets, or do anything. And he blamed me for potentially ruining his life because I was so selfish as to want to throw it all away.
There is no hope for me because this is the situation I chose many years ago and I have to live with the consequences. If I leave my husband everyone will condemn me (as they have in this site). The only out I see is death - his or mine - and I guess we'll both be there someday so it's just a matter of waiting til it comes.
To those who would judge other people - are you happy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): This question was posted some time ago, and I'm curious since a few months have went by, what did you choose to do? This story sounds almost identical to my own life and I understand where you are coming from. I've never met another person with a similar story but each and every person has their own tapestry weaved in a different way with multi-colored materials. I, as a young woman, would have judged you incessantly, but through time I understand people generally want to do what is good and right in their own mind and helpful to others. i agreed to date my hubby (even though I only saw him as a friend) 13 years ago. During that time I suffered an incredible loss b/c my little brother died. My then bf filled that void of sadness with great laughter and ongoing fun but I knew I wasn't in love. I just thought if someone else could love me for both of us it would be enough. I was merely fooling myself. In the past few months I decided to legally separate from my spouse which will allow him time to adjust (he's never been independent) and give me the space to understand if I my life is better without him.I too, had a sometime lover (one of several over the past 5 years) that was a mere friend not someone I saw as an integral part of my life moving forward. My spouse and I have lived as roommates since 2004 and it was a mutual decision to stay together for our baby. I was so scared to separate from my husband because of this innate fear of loneliness although through counseling I learned that since I was very alone in my marriage being apart would be the exact same way! During this time my spouse and I have been open and have worked to care first for my daughter. I have allowed him to see her at any given time. The reason we never separated before is my husband honestly said "I will never let you go" and I decided to deal with it on my own albeit miserably. The past year has been ridden with sexual abuse and he has been overly aggressive with me. This is not the person that he is which is a loving father, christian, just not a great partner and I don't think I'm good for him either.His life as he says is worse without me (b/c I'm no longer raising him), but I have been so happy. Life with my spouse was all about him all the time. It has been wonderful being apart to date myself, find out what I want in life so I may never passively date again. The funny thing is I'm a-okay with the separation b/c I realize the last thing I want is a relationship with a man until I can truly figure out myself and just be happy with me. It sounds like you didn't enter into this marriage lightly and you are at a loss for what to do going forward b/c inside you know how you really feel. Your spouse would be great for someone just not you probably b/c you don't connect like life partners should. What I have experienced is that with the separation I have begun to see myself which is good! I'm so far from perfect but I serve a perfect God who can heal all and that is my continual prayer. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): MY OTHER POST WAS REJECTED - but just want to add - you are justifying yourself too much, why? have some of us hit a tender nerve and perhaps it doesn't sit well with you.
bottom line, you want out of this marriage, so just go for it. in that way you don't have to put up with "another child instead of a man to help out with managing our day to day lives." i am amazed by people who conduct affairs claiming to have "guilt", guilt for what? you knowingly and puposefully deceive your partners. during the sexual act itself there is only enjoyment, am i not right, then where does this "so called guilt" come from? i am soooooo baffled.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto clarify once more... It's not that I want out of the marriage because I met someone else and my husband isn't the only one who has tried to save the relationship. Believe me he has done his share of things to me. I've tried for 10 YEARS! I've only recently met this other person. My feelings have been what they are for LONG BEFORE I MET ANYONE ELSE. I'm not seeing this other person on a regular basis. As a matter of fact I moved out of state with my husband. SO I don't feel that I'm a manipulative, selfish, liar. If I was I wouldnt be struggling with the guilt and confusion and asking for advice. Like I said, Im not proud of myself and I'm not perfect BUT I'm not a bad person either. I've been good to him for 10 years and I'm a good mother. one more thing in response to one of the replies..when I said I've managed all aspects of our lives I meant that I've had to do everything from paying all the bills, to doing all the cleaning, to planning all the vacations, to finding his jobs, to finding where we live, to figuring out how to get us out of the $45,000 debt he got us into without my knowledge, ect.. I may not have explained myself and that's why some of you took that as manipulative. In essence i've had another child instead of a man to help out with managing our day to day lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): The search for love is a lonely road, it’s destructive and painful. What love are you looking for? Just because you married young and had a strict upbringing, does not excuse being unfaithful. You are in the spin cycle and once that stops its rinse and repeat I’m afraid. You need to end your affair; it’s clouding your judgement. Lust and love are not the same thing.
You care for him, loved him for a while so what has been missing? Love has many faces , which one are you missing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): "To make matters worse I've strayed from the marriage" this is the real reason you want out of the marriage - your affair.
so yes, your hb deserves better. when i started reading your post i asked myself, why were you not trying to make this marriage work only your hb was. 7 lines from the bottom and the answer was staring at me. you have been a coward for so long. you deliberatly stole the 10 yrs from your hb. you are not feeling guilty for doing this. your innocent child will survive and so will your hb. after all you have made your bed with someone else. your hb will find someone, someone to love and respect him. someone faithful. which you are evidently not. i hope your lover sees the real selfish you soon. be care he doesn't run far far away from you when your true nature is revealed. but then you made your choice and have to live with it. as for your hb he would have moved on to a person who is worth it. you certainly are not. my darling, you DO NOT care for him. you only care about yourself. so please yes the only way out is a divorce. i am so glad he will be finally free from you, what a manipulative woman! you will find out soon enough when the wheel turns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feedback, both the bad and the good. To clarify I haven't tortured him for 10 years. For ten years I've been the wife he wanted although inside i've been unhappy. I've been caring, loving, faithful, ect..
Also, I was only 20 when we met. I come from a background that is very strict and marrying so young felt like the natural thing to do based on the way I was raised. I thought I could happy with him without being in love. Immature and unrealistic, YES but I was a kid. I'm not proud of myself and I am still in this marriage because I do care for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Wow! I can't believe how hard everyone is bashing you. Please remember people she was only 20 when she met this guy, quite likely right after her first love and was confused from the get go. I guess I feel for her because I am in a somewhat similar situation. I've had a few guys dick me over in the past and am dating someone spectacular. I'm not sure that he's the one for me as the sparks that I had for other are not there for him, but I know I have a good thing and don't want to let it go that easily. I think that maybe I am scared of being hurt again and he is exactly what I need, but I'm not ready to see it yet. I also could honestly say that I have nothing but good things to say about him and love him as a person, but am not in love with him. If I continue to stay with him I do not know whether that will change or not. I might fall for him, I might not. I imagine that is where this relationship started too, but then comfort kicks in and its hard to break up with someone whos wonderful even if there's something missing. Give her a break! I agree extramarital affairs are always wrong, but being in a loveless marriage is something many encounter.
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male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (27 May 2009):
What is missing, is you. It isn't your husband who needs to change, for he sounds like the same man you originally met, and even went out of his way to try and please you when you confronted him. The one who needs to change if anyone, is you.
Now it doesn't sound like you are a bad person, just a little mixed up maybe. I really don't think seperation or divorce is going to solve anything. I don't think having your husband go to marriage counseling is productive.
I think we need to direct our attention souly on you. What is going on with you? What are you thinking during the day. What do you like about yourself and what don't you like about yourself. Do you feel you are doing a very good job for your child, or do you feel you could be doing more.
I think there is something personal, personally troubling you, and a little voice that whispers "I want out!"
We, you, need to figure out why you think and feel the way you do. Counseling might be in order for you, and you alone. I'd suggest a psychotherapist. Let him work his way back into your pat and see if there is something in your past that is holding you up today. I know there are things I work on, that I know came from my past, and like a habit, once we get into a certain groove, we stay there. Procratination sets in and we just can't seem to get the motivation to get up out of bed at times.
Nothing wrong with you or your husband, something is troubling you, that when you have these feelings, it natural is directed to your husband. You husband sounds like a fantastic and patient man. Please, don't loose him, you won't find anyone better. Instead, get help for yourself. It might be scary, but I think your problem is in your past. Explore that first before you make any other decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): People choose their own battles. Indeed, there are times when we are imprisoned of our own lack of will power and emotional boundaries, but like all things, our choices will always lead to some form of consequence. Yours being in a decade-long bind that has grown to a point of complete stagnation with responsibilities that extend beyond just your relationship with your husband. This is a fact that many people are too short sighted about. They only look at what is one step in front of them and never stand up tall enough to look further beyond that.As for your son, that is a subject on its own. Though divorcing your husband may be an option or even separation as Gina had suggested, can cause some decay in the relationship between you and your son, these are some of the consequences you have to face for whatever choices you are now choosing to do. However, it is better to settle this now, than later, when further decay and destruction may occur.Objectively, you have done nothing wrong. It is easy for strangers to point their fingers at you and condemn your actions or in this case, inactions, but your reality is different than everyone else's. Just as your personality, your upbringing, your emotional cages, your situation and emotions differ from others. Kusuda, Megumi and Chi may be able to stand up for themselves and leave far before the same scenario you are in right now even occurred, but I can guarantee everyone that others like Yamamoto, Togusawa and Ranka would also have their series of realities to deal with that is similar to the original poster here.Now to find a solution: according to your scenario, it seems to be optimal for you to NOT fake your affections towards your husband when you have little or none. So a separation or a divorce would be optimal for this situation. Fermenting misery breeds instability and further temptation to commit to scenarios that you desire but lack at the moment.However, to deal with the son, you must be able to mutually agree on something with your husband. Though you two may not be wife and husband, you two can still be good mom and dad. Your relationship with your husband may have long run dried, but your relationship with your son has just begun. Make plans now with your husband to separate/divorce, while drawing up future plans for your child.My mom used to say to my brother and I, "Which mother does not give more than she takes? She takes 1 but give back 10. She eats a crumb, while give the entire pie to her children. She lets them drink, before she even tastes a drop."However, to sum up my mother's words, as her now grown-up son, I would not be so selfish as to make her stay in a relationship where she is unhappy in. Though I may express appreciation for her 'sacrifice', I would rather she divorced my father and create new lives for each of them, than to stay together and live in an illusion of family.As for your lover, he is secondary and should only be pursued after you have cleared up your issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): your selfish. why did you get married to him in the first place? people like you make me sick. this guy is trying and whats worse you dont give a damn. your a bad person. your a liar, b/c you im sure youve told him you loved him, your a cheater/adulter, you should be ashamed. get a divorce and let this man be happy w/some wonderful women that loves and respects him. nothing you have never done. you wasted 10 years of this poor mans life. i feel sorry for him having you as a sorry excuse as wife,
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Ha! I knew there was a third party involved. Anyway ..........
I’ve got bad news for you [sorry] but happiness is not the responsibility of others, you are the only one who can make yourself happy. If you think this exciting, stimulating, intelligent, funny, charming, ect..man is happiness, you are mistaken. You can’t manage people in your life or all aspect of your life its wrong, manipulative and just plan sad. You just set yourself up for disappointment day in and day out. Why don’t you just let go and live for the moments. Nobody owns anybody we are individual and should be allowed to express ourselves. Your husband is suppressed and is willing to change to be who you want him to be. Your mistake is you are seeing him through the wrong eyes.
Unfortunately the only way you are going to see this, is when it’s too late. Let him go so he can find a women who will love him for who he is.
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female
reader, You Heard Me +, writes (26 May 2009):
You were wrong from the start... and to bring the baby into it was not wise. I know because I was exactly where you are, but, my husband at the time wasnt exactly as sweet as yours. It is not fair and things like this can definitely make a good man turn into a monster. You should be fair to him and just leave. The fact that he thinks you fell out of love when you really never loved him at all is sad. He seems as if he would have made someone else a great husband. As for you, dear, be careful with the next man you get, you are going to need it. My mother always said marry someone that loves you a little more than you love them that way you will unlikely run the risk of being hurt. He seems nice, respectful, and wants desperately to change to please you... maybe you should change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): feh..You shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if you didn't love the guy. Now you are all surprised that you are unhappy. Are you serious? If that came as a surprise to you, then you have no right to pass judgment on anyone's intelligence.Moving on, yes I think you should leave a loveless marriage. There is no point making both you and your husband miserable trying to make something work that just won't. And since when do you give a damn about your husband's heart? You wouldn't have done a NUMBER of things if you had, so drop that pretense please. Leave him. Give him, and yourself, a real chance at happiness. If you truly care for "his heart" then this would have been obvious to you by now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Its a bit harsh to say shes the most selfish person in the world, it must be very difficult to stay in a relationship where you dont love that person. I could never do that, you only have one life and its short and you shouldnt have stayed with a man for 10years without love, not only for your happiness but for his.
It will be a very difficult decision to leave him because of your little boy but once everyone is happier so will he be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You are looking for happiness in someone else and you'll make some stupid decisions because of this. No individual person can give you everything you need. Look, before you break your son's heart and cause him emotional trauma, keep the lover on the side (it will most likely be short-lived) and go to individual therapy to work on why you can't make yourself happy and look to others to fulfill some void you have. You are going to have the some problem every man with your mentality of something "missing" and it's because you have changes to make, not your husband. The guy that's in love with you is just a fantasy, you aren't available to him so if you left, the whole relationship with him would change and you won't be as exciting to him anymore, vise versa.
No amount of love from any man will compare to the relationship you have with your son so don't screw it up
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Wow, you are possibly the most selfish person in the world! You have tortured this guy for the past 10 years and now you are contemplating not divorcing him?
Do please divorce him so he can find a nice lady before he gets too old and bitter having had to put up with you!
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