A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles,I posted a message a couple of weeks ago and had some good advice from some kind people.My previous question to you was whether I should leave my kind, caring, loving, gentle and attentive husband of 25 years because, despite all these things, I do not love him in the same way and think of him more as a pal or a father figure. It has always been this way for me. Once we started dating all those years ago we just sort of slipped into a relationship, moved in together and got married. He knows I don't feel the same way for him as he does for me, and has always accepted it. We've always had a good relationship, although, for me, an unexciting one. A few months ago I told him I had recently had a brief fling with an old boyfriend and although my husband was devastated, he was non-confrontational and didn't become angry or violent. He just wanted to know what I was going to do - stay or leave. Although I wanted to leave just to give myself some space and time to think, he was so distraught at the thought of losing me that all I could do was comfort him and re-assure him that I wouldn't go. My husband said he would be nothing without me and would do everything he could to make me love him. True to his word, he has been even more kind, more caring and more loving than he was before. There is nothing he won't do for me. Unfortunately, depite all his efforts, my feelings for him haven't changed. Actually, he's pushing me even further from him because I feel even more suffocated, pressured and trapped than I did before. He knows I'm unhappy because I'm quiet and pensive these days which is very much out of character for me. He doesn't question my mood, just tries to cheer me up without actually asking what's wrong. I think he's too frightened to ask.The thought of hurting him, which I know I will, is terrifying me. I desperately need space and time on my own to decide what I want for the rest of my life. I have somewhere to go, but how do I tell him I need space? He will be heartbroken and frightened thatI won't come back, which maybe I won't. The "fling" that I had last summer with the ex-boyfriend has brought me to this crossroad in my life. It showed me there is another life out there that is fun, exciting and passionate, although I know that when I leave it must and will be for myself, and not for another man. My head and my heart have been in turmoil for months. This is all making me so ill and I am under considerable stress. I need time on my own, a few weeks or months to decide what I want. I cannot go on like this and I have decided I must go, and the sooner the better for my own sanity. Question is, when? It's all about timing. We live in France most of the year but we're from London and we also have a flat there. This makes leaving a bit difficult for me, but not impossible. We're going back to London in a week's time for a few days. Should I tell him I "need space" before our trip and tell him I want to stay in London and not come back? Or tell him while we're in London? In this case I think he wouldn't leave London without me. Or should I come back to France with him and break the news then, and return to London on my own.Any advice and guidance you could give me would be appreciated.
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male
reader, True  +, writes (15 May 2010):
zayla80 is correct and not only did you cheat on him and gave him false hope for 25 years but your husband in his case will probualy be on this very site asking "im so lonely, i wasted 25 years of my life to the women whom i loved but never loved me".
what im probualy going to say if he loves you that much to up his passionate side for you then chances are that he will always love you and never be with another women in his life or sit in his house alone for a very long time being to insecure to do anything
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): the thing i need to know when did it started become unexciting, unpassionat and not fun for u? Because these things will sometimes go away by period of time in marriage and with stranger u ll always have fun when this happens.
I got tons of couples like you in my counceling and u need to tell more details for better advise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): You dont' love this man...you never did, but you became comfortable with him and married him despite knowing that you never loved him. Your husband, being in love with you, married you because, he may have thought that with time, your feelings for him would change...that somehow, someday you would love him just as much as he loves you, but that never happened.
It's not a matter of you needing space---after 25 years of marriage, you already know there is a possibility that you will never be in love with your husband so why continue with this false sense of love on your part? You probably always wanted to be with your ex, but for whatever the reason may have been, it didn't work out. Lets not try to pretend that it's the ex that brought you to this crossroad---you knew how you felt from the start...25 years ago.
I think that you are stressed out because, you know deep down inside that to some extent you lead your husband on about how you felt about him, you gave him a false sense of hope and although he is this great man as you so claim, you REALLY feel guilty and stressed because, you know you have wronged a great man, and that if you leave him, the chances of you finding another great man that YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH is slim to none. So you are battling with the thoughts of whether to stay in this loveless marriage, or leave and continue this fling with an ex or some other man in hopes of finding your true love. I can't tell you whether to stay or leave your husband, all I know is that it isn't fair to him for you to be with him if you know you don't love him. He must be hurting emotionally right now knowing that you dont' love him and never have for all these years. Personally, I don't think you are ready for a relationship just yet. Even at your age, I think you need to really sit down and figure out how you allowed yourself to carrying this sort of marriage on for years knowing you never loved the guy, and how to keep that from happening again. Whether you chose to stay or leave, your husband will be heart broken just knowing that you never loved him and never really wanted to be with him...in addition to the fact that you cheated on him.
In all, I don't feel sorry for your situation as you knew extactly what you were getting yourself into. You knownly married a man you didn't love, thus cheating on him and giving him false hope all these years. You need to do alot of self reflection before entering into another relationship with anyone.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 May 2010):
This is a sad situation, because he's a nice guy who's been there, and you seem like a good lady. But as you say, you don't feel the same way and your fling last year showed you this. I actually think the proof is not in the affair, but that you need this break to think is that you're not leaving your husband for another man. You're leaving or yourself because you feel like you need to lead your own life. And I think that's the answer. I think right now the best thing you can do is live for yourself. As for telling him, I think it's best if you do it here. If he decides to stay, then you'll have to move out. But don't prolong it. When you do go on this break, do spend time living, as well as thinking. It might be that you realize you do love him. Or it might be, as I think, perhaps the toughest but the best choice you've ever made. Good luck.
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