A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my one of my bfs mates seemed to be coming on to me and when I was at the point of telling him to back off we ended up on the discussion of threesomes, my bf told him we had been looking for someone to do it with but had, had no luck. His mate then just says well I'm cool with it if your interested, I've done it before. At the time they mentioned it I was out of the room and after our mates left my bf told me what happened I agreed and then we both spoke to our mate to tell him we are good with it.Only problem is he seems quite keen to do solo stuff with me and was even hinting at stuff after we have our threesome, this is mainly my bfs fault as he said he was cool with me going to another guy for the experience. (He's quite open about that sort of thing)I have agreed to one solo get together to make the threesome easier as I've never done anything with another guy and he's been out of a relationship for over a year.The threesome is defiantly happening I just want advice on how to politely decline further solo thing after the threesome.Also any advice on how I should act with another guy when getting together as I have absolutely no experience with anyone outside my bf? Any tips or advice would be helpful and just to reiterate I am 100% happy with doing a threesome and I won't be changing my mind anytime soon.Thanks in advance for any responses
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update on the situation ended up having the threesome three days ago. Everyone new the rules and the code word, and after it all we got together the day after to talk things though and everything was fine nobody was upset or felt left out and I didn't feel used or pressured into anything.
I also put my foot down with the solo stuff before hand and everybody was fine with that, we all had a good time and have discussed the possibility of doing it again another time.
Thanks again for all of your advice it was helpful in making the actually thing go the way we all wanted it and with no one left feeling used or hurt.
Thanks again for the advice :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Oh yeah one last thing, make sure he uses a condom for any physical contact with you, be that a blowjob or rubbing up against you or anything. You don't know what he's got that he could rub off on you.
Also, I would strongly advice you to NOT have intercourse with him. There is always a possibility of pregnancy when having sex. The very last thing on earth you want is to get pregnant by your boyfriend friend. I've had a threesome, I was involved with a couple who were open like that. I would not have intercourse with him, not that he even suggested it. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to get pregnant by accident with him! And because that'd be such a horrible outcome, both to their relationship and to my future relationships, there was no chance in hell I'd even consider having intercourse with him. Accidents happen, condoms rip. Birth control pills can be forgotten. The safest thing is just to avoid intercourse with anyone you wouldn't be okay having a baby with...
And if you wonder what else you are supposed to do if not have intercourse then you should focus more on experimenting sex with your boyfriend in a monogamous relationship. Sort of like learning how to walk before you try to run the marathon. Threesomes are for people who's done everything else first.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 August 2013):
Oh dear you're in for some trouble here. Your bf's "friend" isn't as experienced as you think, he's just looking to poke you with his penis. No threesome needs a two-some before the threesome. That's called swinging. If you're not a swinger, then don't do it. For the sake of the threesome there is absolutely NO need for any two-some action..
A threesome also involves all parties enjoying it, touching, kissing. Will your boyfriend kiss his friend? Or are they just going to share poking you with their penises? Because that's not a threesome either, that's you being gang-banged... Which doesn't have quite the same "shine" to it.
Sure, have a threesome. But have ONLY a threesome, and actually have a threesome. If swinging and gang-banging are what you are interested in, then at least admit it to yourself. Unless your boyfriend is bisexual and interested in feeling up his friend then no... this wont be a threesome. It'll just be you having sex with two dudes at the same time.
But okay. If that is what you want sure, go ahead. But I would suggest you do not do it with this friend, he seems very keen to satisfy his own needs at the expense of your naivety. That sort of suggestion for "solo" activity makes him seem iffy. Something is up with him that I don't like. I would suggest you do this with someone you are actually comfortable doing it with.
You also need to define CLEARLY from the start what will and what will NOT happen. Are you going to have intercourse with him? You're allowed to say no. Who's going to touch whom? What will you allow, and what will you not allow? And everyone involved need to agree that no means no, even during the act. If someone says no then EVERYONE stops and it ends there. And you have to feel comfortable enough about this to be able to say no in the middle of the act.
If you have to ask how to turn down his "offer" on getting a freebe before the threesome then I'm unsure you're strong enough and confident enough to say stop if you're uncomfortable. I have a feeling you might just go along with anything this friend wants to do with you, because you don't have the confidence to say no.
Also, are you sure you are okay with being "lent out" like some property? Are you okay with your boyfriend telling his friend he can "borrow" you? Have you and your boyfriend actually discussed this, and said you'd be fine with it, BEFORE your boyfriend told his friend?
If it's right you'll be fine about it. You don't sound fine with all of this, so don't do it. Only only only do what you actually want, not what someone else wants you to do. That includes specific sexual acts, and that includes who you will meet up with for sex and when and how often. Just because your boyfriend said it'd be fine, and the friend wants to use you for sex (lets face it, to him you're just free sex), doesn't mean YOU have to be fine with it. Which you clearly aren't. So just say no.
Why worry about being "polite"? Is there an impolite way to say "no thanks, I'd rather not meet you and have sex with you aside of the planned threesome"? It's just a fact. No need to be diplomatic about it. When it comes to sex you need to be direct.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): Forget the reputation - people will have an opinion on everything you do. That shouldn't stop you following your dreams.Onto the more important things1) What's in it for you?2) What does it say about your feelings for each other?3) What does it mean for your relationship?Firstly, what's in it for you?You sound like you want experience... Experience of what? A different penis? A different personality? A different body? Take it from someone who's had multiple partners including threesomes - the only experience you need is in a loving, respectful, caring relationship as that combines emotional and physical pleasure. Having multiple partners is overrated. If you want to do this to boost your sexual CV, sorry to disappoint you but it won't add much to your skills because the 'skills' required with each person are different because different people like different things. If you're doing it out of curiosity, then fair enough - it's human to be curious... But at what cost...Which brings me to my next point - What does it mean for your relationship?- sex is extremely intimate - you will open a can of worms of feelings you won't be able to contain. It could be feelings of attachment, attraction, shame, jealousy, resentment, satisfaction. It literally could be anything. But here's the catch - you won't know until you open what's in pandora's box. This raises the question of how much you value your relationship vs how curious you are. It's your call whether to take the risk. I'm bisexual and my significant other and I have discussed a threesome FFM. After consideration - I decided I love him too much to do anything that could ruin what we have. We have amazing chemistry. There's no way on earth I would knowingly do anything that puts a crack in that. But that's just me. I know I want to spend forever with him and he likewise. We both agreed it's not worth risking something good for a cheap thrill that lasts a couple of hours if you're lucky. If you're not so in love with him that you would do EVERYTHING in your power to keep building the relationship, then by all means, go for it.Just remember - use protection. Have a safe word that you can use anytime you want things to stop. Be sure you're completely confident that your wishes will be respected if you say no at any point. And lastly, remember that If your relationship suffers, it's your fault :-)Final point - What does this post say about your feelings for each other?Well, I found it interesting that you talked a lot about how your boyfriend and his friend said/ did this or that. They are ACTIVE. In contrast, you REACT to their lead... I'll give you a couple of examples'my bfs mates seemed to be coming on to me ' 'my bf told him we had been looking for someone to do it with ''he seems quite keen to do solo stuff with me and was even hinting at stuff after we have our threesome, this is mainly my bfs fault as he said he was cool with me going to another guy for the experience. (He's quite open about that sort of thing)'Do you see how the lads are in the drivers seat?You're the passenger here - listen to your own words; 'I was at the point of telling him to back off' (which means you weren't interested in him had he and your bf not initiated things. Also you didn't go ahead with your initial gut reaction) 'At the time they mentioned it I was out of the room''my bf told me what happened'you 'agreed' first to the idea of a threesome and then 'agreed' again to a solo with the mate.'I've never done anything with another guy' ( not for lack of male attention I'm sure. How many guys have you turned away before and during your relationship? You have clearly never been desperate to sleep with another guy. It's only your boyfriend who's being 'sweet' enough to encourage to sleep with other guys - only if you want to ofcourse... He'll do all the planning for you as well, because he's that sweet.Do you see how you're taking the back seat in this thing?Sweetheart, I don't mean to disenfranchise you or patronise you by telling that this is not really what you want to do. Ultimately, you choose what feels right to you. But I would be a disservice if I didn't alert you to what I hear in your language and in your choice of words. I don't know you. I might be wrong. But that's for you to decide. You sound like a passionate and adventurous young woman. That is commendable. I can sense that you have a f*** the world attitude - again a good thing, as long as you're not screwing yourself over in the process. I get that you want to show your independence and how liberal and hip you are. But with the way this threesome was conceived by your boyfriend and another guy you hadn't even considered before - following through with it would be disenfranchising yourself. Onto your actual question; Also any advice on how I should act with another guy when getting together as I have absolutely no experience with anyone outside my bf?My answer is do what feels natural. You will either want to kiss him and go all the way with him. Or you won't. Either way, pay close attention to your body and your mind, they'll guide you through it. One final thing - you sound rather defensive if you don't mind me saying. Almost like you are trying to convince yourself. Like you're repeating a mantra or giving yourself one of those self pep talks when you're nervous. You say 'The threesome is defiantly happening' 'I am 100% happy with doing a threesome' 'I won't be changing my mind anytime soon'. The threesome is not a forgone conclusion. Anyone of the three people could change their minds if they wanted. And it would be ok if they changed their minds about it. You wouldn't lose face if you changed your mind. And you'd have nothing to feel ashamed of. You won't have disappointed your boyfriend, or chickened out of anything. I'm sure it's pretty obvious that most people here have advised you against it. I'm hoping that I haven't 'told you' what to do or what's right. I'm hoping I've given you food for thought. I also hope that you find happiness in the choice you make. Take care of yourself my dove. I could give you a cuddle! Well done for asking for advice :-) Good luck x
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 August 2013):
Well, since you've made up your mind I'm going to try and help. First of all, I'd let your boyfriend dictate things as long as you're comfortable with what he suggests. This way it'll be his idea, so if he gets jealous you can just tell him that you were only doing it to make him happy.
Second, if he wants an open relationship you should be prepared for him to be with other women. It may not happen, but how can you refuse after you've been with another guy?
Regarding declining further solo sex with other guys: be a big girl and tell him what you think and want without being afraid. You have that right.
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A
female
reader, StephJayne +, writes (9 August 2013):
 I agree with So_Very_Confused
You shouldn't let anyone pressure you into doing anything. If you're uncomfortable or don't want to do anything then just simply say 'No'.
If I'm completely honest, I wouldn't be able to watch my partner having sexual intercourse with someone else, but everyone's different right?
If you're ok with doing things, then do them. When you don't feel comfortable, like I said, then just say no. You don't have to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): don't be known as the "easy girl" no man would have any respect for you if they find out your that easy to talked into a threesome. If your boyfriend cares for you he would never ask you do have a threesome with his friend. You should leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013):
Gee I see heartache and hankies after this goes down... They arranged a threesome with you out the room. I'm sorry but I would be greatly insulted if I were you.. Your like some toy, your bf has no problem with sharing.. That shows the depth of his feelings then .. Mega shallow ..
I'm sorry but I wish you would value yourself a bit more . . Your relationship will head down the tubes just after they use and abuse you and put you on the burner ..
This is a train crash waiting to happen.. Think about the reputation you will get from this afterwards ?? An easy lay who takes it everyway.. I'm sorry to say but it's true, if you go through with this you will be the girl who is good for one night, not the girl they take home to met mamma .. My friend went down the same road and regretted it.. She had many embarrassing moments with guys coming up and grabbing her and just asking for sex, as her reputation was well and truly tranished .
I wish you luck sweetie your gonna need it if you think this is a good idea ..x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2013):
 Tips and advice... JUST SAY NO...
you've agreed to solo... that's NOT a threesome.
and if you need advice on how to decline one on one after the threesome then you are not really up for this.
I had an open marriage... it was the beginning of the end. It takes very strong and very mature people in VERY solid healthy relationships to make an open lifestyle work.
what do you think this threesome will accomplish?
I know of couples who are in the swinger lifestyle who have done so for many years as happily married couples but it's very rare... doing a threesome to spice things up or fix things or out of curiosity is usually the beginning of the end of a relationship.
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