A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some opinions on whether I am being used by my bf...I feel like I am at the moment, but need some perspective. We've been together 7 months, don't live together, both work shifts, full time. But I find myself feeling used by him at times. So, for example, tonight, he finished work and came to my place. I offered to cook for him, which he accepted and I enjoyed doing. I did the washing up. He then asked me to massage his neck and shoulders (painful from work). I obliged. He then asked if I could drive him to the store so he could do his weekly shop (he does not have a car). I agreed, and waited whilst he did his shopping. I then drove him to his place, helped him unpack his shopping. We then cuddled up on the sofa (him laying his head on me) and he started falling asleep. He asked if I could massage his shoulders again, which I did. He then got into his bed and fell asleep after giving me a kiss and telling me he loves me. I went back home, and am here now, feeling a little used.The day before (yesterday), he cooked us a meal at his house, I washed up, put his clothes washing on and ironed his work shirt, as well as running him a warm bath and massaging his shoulders.I can't help feeling a little used, and am not sure whether this is a reasonable way for me to feel or not. I've also been doing some soul-searching, and if I am being used a little, part of me thinks it is my own fault...I kinda feel useful when I am helping him out, like I am only deserving of his love if I am useful to him. This is probably because I am the one in my family that my parents and siblings rely to do things - I drive home and do the shopping for my parents, etc. If I'm honest, this all probably stems from low self-esteem, like I'm not deserving of love unless I earn it somehow. In which case, how do I break out of this unhealthy cycle with my bf?Thanks for reading. x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): You are feeling used because you see all you do for him and it does not compute given what he does for you. I think that its cool to do stuff for partners...drive, cook, clean etc...but 2 massages a night after a supermarket drive, a ride home and a meal is stretching it. You have to take responsibility for this.. you cannot get him used to the fact that you are the one that will do all the chores coz you will end up bitter and full of resentment and you will ruin your relationship. If he cooks for you in his house...say thank you and leave him to wash up!! As he does when he eats at yours. Massage him but then don't forget to ask for your foot rub at some point. Let him understand give and take... if you build bad habits in him now.. you and only you will pay for it. Good luck you sound like such a good partner! He's lucky xx
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (12 July 2011):
Your post is amazingly insightful, and you are spot on. Your boyfriend is is not using you, he does ask you to do things for him, sometimes asking you to do things that are pushing the boundaries of what is a reasonable request, but it is ok that he asks. He likes that you do things for him and he appreciates it, and it is ok that he speaks his mind. It is up to you to let him know what you want to do and what you don't want to do, and you are right in that you are doing more than you should, this is what is leaving you feeling used and resentful.
You are also spot on that your feelings stem from patterns of behaviour that you act out in your family. You could say that it is a "style" of behaviour which we learn as young kids that guarantees our emotional safety from our parents.
The way to break the cycle is to get used to another "style" of behaviour. What I would do is I would experiment. The experiment is for you to say "no" to someone's request, not for any good reason specifically, but because you don't really feel like it. A good one would when your bf asks you to massage his neck the next time. When he asks you to do this for him, he is asking you to give him your time and energy, you might be tired and want to relax, or you might be spending that time doing something else you want to do. Whatever the reason in that particular circumstance, it doesn't really matter, what matters is for you to put your interests ahead of his for once. This might be new territory, which is why it is a good idea. Try it out in different circumstances, with different people, experiment, see how people react to you. Some people might react by being annoyed, or even angry, some might become manipulative and try to convince you to do it, just spend some time noticing the reactions. See how you react, how their reactions make you feel. Over time you will learn to see more clearly what is going on, rather than just reacting in your usual way of doing everything.
Another "experiment" is to ask people to do something that you usually do. For example, ask your bf to wash the dishes tonight, because you always do them and you are tired tonight. See how he reacts.
Changing relationship dynamics like this can be hard because it feels weird and you will meet up with resistance, but persevere and see where it takes you. It is good for you, and for the relationships in your life, to have a bit of flexibility in how you choose to react.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (12 July 2011):
You could try dropping him a few hints... eg 'You cooked tonight for me, so I will do the washing up' (Hopefully he will pick up on that and when YOU cook, he will do the same)Ask him did he like his massage? (He will obviously say YES!) Say you like a massage to after a hard day at work...He should take the hint! (Tbf, he might think you like taking control/doing things for him and not realise how you feel) So if hints fail, you will have to just tell him. Hopefully he just doesn't realise how you feel (men don't think like women do!) If after telling him, he is still the same, then he wants a mother not a girlfriend to look after him!!And you don't 'earn' love, it should be an equal thing. Doing nice things for each other,because you want to, not one partner doing it ALL the time for the other x
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