A
female
age
51-59,
*elticPride45
writes:I have posted here once before, and received some great feedback! However, I wasn't ready to make changes in my life!! Now, I am asking again for help with a relationship which I consider to be unhealthy, but very addictive. I have lived with my boyfriend for over two years...he has had various health issues, partially from damage caused to his body by years of drug abuse. I began dating him when we were both in recovery- (I had a drinking problem in my 30's, and have attended AA). We both also have histories of childhood physical/sexual/emotional abuse/depression/bipolar disorder. I attend a clinic for meds/group help, etc... I work hard and support us both, plus I have two awesome teenagers, who live with me part-time. I love my boyfriend deeply, but fear he is a bad influence...he still drinks hard most nights, and does not exactly encourage my efforts with sobriety. He doesn't work much, but he does fix up a lot around my home...maintains my 2 older vehicles...tends to my yard, and cooks/cleans. My main issue with him is trust. For a long time, up until recently, he had a porn/internet addiction...he set up various 'secret' profiles and email accounts, using my laptop/family-plan phones!He also left various chat-line messages, and made dozens of calls to strange numbers. I do not know if he was physically cheating, but clearly the online flirtations /camming/chatlines were very upsetting to me. He never really explained to me why he spent so much time on these sites/making calls. I thought our sex life was good. I am no saint, but I have had little interest in anybody else. At times, in anger, I have called him names...I realize this is actually abusive!! Will I ever be able to trust him again...or, should I even try???
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female
reader, CelticPride45 +, writes (26 October 2016):
CelticPride45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again...I have let things drag on!! I last posted in January, and now it is late October. Almost another year wasted in this sad excuse for a romance. Any attempt I have made at sobriety takes a 'back seat' to this toxic relationship. We fight more than we get along, but I keep coming back to him, like a security blanket. It may not be remotely functional, but I guess it's what I have learned to do. More recent online sex/cheating sites, more lies, more sex line activity (which he actually admitted to...I didn't know about that!) Has anyone else been feeling trapped like I am...not really having the guts or self-respect to end things for good??!!
A
female
reader, CelticPride45 +, writes (5 January 2016):
CelticPride45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for your feedback...I really liked your responses. It makes me realize how isolated I have become...and how I need to get fully back into recovery (AA), to make some real friends again! Feels like my boyfriend is my only friend right now, which is probably not helping me make clear choices, or set down firm guidelines!! Yes, I have been drifting along with him...but it's high time for me to set standards higher!!!
-CPride
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2016):
 Congrats on Sobriety... it's hard to do My husband celebrates 1 yr sober today.
I suggest since you are already in AA you become a double winner and go to Al-anon as it will help you learn to cope with him.
and while you may trust him again if he ever earns it... trust is much like a fragile tea cup... if you break it you can glue it back together and make it work but it will always have a crack and always be just a bit less sturdy.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 January 2016):
The bonds created between people recovering from the grip of addictions can feel very strong and it can be hard to let go. You said it: you said the relationship was “very addictive.” It sounds to me like you’ve drifted along together. Yes, you see his good points, but I suspect the reason why you’ve posted this question is that the bad very much outweighs it for you, and given that the bad includes secretive activity online and on chat lines and hard drinking, that’s hardly a surprise. You said that he never explained to you why he was doing what he was doing, but how much did you confront him? Did he know how much it hurts you? Or perhaps you were scared to reveal the extent of the betrayal and confront this situation with the forcefulness it really requires, because then reality would hit and you knew that you would be met with indifference and a dismissive attitude from him. It does not sound to me like this is a person who has recovered in any meaningful way. He is an addictive personality. An addict can, unfortunately, move from one addiction to another unless they can actually learn to manage their underlying addictive tendencies. Has he kicked the drugs? Great, good for him. Not so good for him, or you, if he has replaced other drugs with alcohol (itself a drug), or developed a porn addiction (porn has been shown to be addictive in some people too).
I can’t see how this is in any way helpful to you, let alone a good thing for your teenagers. I think it’s time to lay down some expectations for this guy: be faithful and stop drinking. It’s not much to ask. As to why he does what he does online and on the chat lines, there may be no explanation other than that he’s drunk and doesn’t control himself, plumping for an easy thrill over making the effort. That might well sort itself out with sobriety. Yes, he may need support and help (in fact he almost certainly will, especially to safely come off the drink), but you need to be clear that you have to see signs of progress and have a deadline in mind that he knows about, after which, if there’s no change, it’s time to part. Highlight to him all the good things he does and the qualities you see in him so that he feels encouraged, but tell him the downsides are no longer tolerable for you and you sincerely plan to leave. That way, you’ll know if there’s any chance for you both. I’m afraid that I’m not optimistic, but I think you need to know you’ve given him a chance and a clear way forward. At least then, you can break things off without the lingering what ifs.
I wish you all the very best.
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