A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to start since it is not a love relationship question.Several things have coincided (moved to another town and suffered from a rather long period of depression and anxiety) and I kind of lost touch with some of my old friends and abruptly cut ties with some of the new ones I made - I just didn't feel good enough for anyone.OK, to be honest some of my friends were to busy and had their own problems to write and call as well, but I could have be more persistent on my part, instead I just let things slide and years have passed :(I will turn 40 this year and I've noticed that apart from 3 old friends (who live abroad and we never get to see each other) I literally have no one. My phone does not ring. I get calls from my husband and my boss and that's all.I've been seeing a therapist for the last 6 years and it has helped a lot with the depression. But it hasn't helped me solve my problem with sustaining friendships.The new friends I cut off were more acquaintances I met through school when I moved here. The cutting off didn't happen for no reason. I sort of a had a breakdown and simply stopped calling them (not that they bothered calling me, a part from one for which I really feel guilty).I feel strange calling them after so many years. I still feel inadequate. I have not used my FB account for years. Finding new friends is hard. Sometimes I wish we could move again and just start over. But despite what my shrink says (this being a harsh environment and people being difficult to reach) I feel that there is something I MUST do here instead of dreaming of finding a more welcoming environment.I tried joining a gym. But most people would just come to exercise and not really communicate with anybody else. I tried joining other clubs, but I keep meeting people who are so much younger than me (in their twenties) so there's that gap. I tried using sites to meet friends, but as you may have guessed nobody's really looking for a friend there but for a hook up :(I work from home, to make the matters worse. So I don't get to meet anyone through work. Ironically, I communicate with people All around the world on daily basis.Maybe without all the gadgets we have today I would feel more obliged to actually do something and not give up so easily. Instead, I feel comfortable in my loneliness, internet is a great window to the world. But that's just an illusion.My husband and I are a good couple. But he too has similar issues and cannot help each other. It's kind of a couple's loneliness if it makes any sense. He has some more social interaction since he works in an office, but he sees no one outside work.I was thinking of volunteering somewhere...
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 January 2016):
 Sorry, I meant to say CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). It concentrates on improving 'now' rather than raking over the past trying to understand what has gone wrong and what led you to your current state.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Thank you so much for your ideas and your support.
I used to be a language teacher, so I thought joining the local school-support group.
The choir is a great idea too. I used to sing all the time. Not just when vacuuming or in the shower, but in front of people and for friends. God. Now when I think of it I feel as if I were somebody else. Where did I go?
Aidan, you are so right that the more I am out of the game the more it gets difficult. I'll also try the site you mentioned.
The toughest part will be contacting the people I really miss. Guilt. If there's one good thing that came out of a 6 year therapy, that's my understanding of the family I grew up in. I sort of picked up that stupid notion that I need to do things right all the time and when I do make a mistake, when I am weak, well I just retreat. In this case, it's kind of hard to forgive myself for being depressed. So I am not only punishing myself, but I feel ashamed.
Denizen, fortunately I am not paying for therapy. It's covered by my social security and my shrink kind of did me a favour when I moved out of hers "jurisdiction" to keep seeing me. It's "talk therapy", I never took any meds, but I started thinking about seeing a cognitive therapist (is it the CGT?).
You have really given me hope. At some point, where things went downhill, I felt as if I were looking at myself in wonder, but at the same time accepting that "this is it" - the way my life would be until it runs out. And the sad, I mean really sad part is that I felt content. Things could always get worse...
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 January 2016):
Aidan is right. Volunteering is a great way to meet people and take your mind off problems.
Get out into the countryside too. Join a walking group if there are any near you. Choirs are another worthwhile pursuit.
I would also suggest that six years is too long to be in therapy. You should think about changing your therapist and your therapy. Are you paying for this?
The trouble with some therapists is that they set no goals for themselves or the patient and no time limits. It's just a licence to print money. Try some CGT if you haven't already. It works.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 January 2016):
The answer to your question is the last sentence. Volunteering is great. IT gets you out there, meeting people you wouldn’t otherwise. You do something you’re good at: people volunteer their skills and strengths, whether that’s working on the frontline with the homeless, young people, the elderly or whatever, or they help out running the offices. Volunteers are sought in a range of organisations, from charities big and small to hospitals. Think about what you want to do, the time you can give and get searching. You might not make friends straight away but I think the problem for you is that the longer we’re out of the game, social interaction becomes increasingly difficult and daunting. If you just start to meet people and feel like you’re doing some good at the same time, you’ll start to feel better and grow in confidence again.
As for the internet, yes it’s a great way to combat loneliness. I use a site called Interpals, which does have a genuine mix of people, some seeking romance, others seeking friendship and still others language exchange. I do not believe a virtual world of friends is any replacement for human interaction and I would struggle greatly without the friends I know in person, but again it exposes you to different people that you would otherwise not have met. I would not have friends in places as diverse as Tunisia, Algeria, Indonesia, Germany, China and the USA otherwise because I can’t travel easily.
In terms of your friends, I think you need to think carefully about whose acquaintance you really would like again and who, actually, isn’t too big a loss as a friend. If you can isolate a couple of friends who you actually thought were good for you, you’ve got nothing to lose for writing a message, making a call or reaching out however you feel comfortable. If you regret not getting back to them and letting things slide, tell them, explain why and tell them that you just wanted to put it right. If there is anything still there, they will at least get back to you and you can start to build some bridges again. If not, at least you have the peace of mind in knowing that you tried to put things right. There is that saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
If your husband will be supportive of you, I think you should tell him how you plan to make this situation better. Hopefully, if he feels similarly lonely, it will help him to consider his own response, or at least to encourage you. He may be content with his level of social interaction.
I wish you all the very best.
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