A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd appreciate any advice, especially from any guys, about how to be a good flirt. I'm back in the game after getting over a break up with my ex (we were together for 9 years, broke up Nov '09 after I found out he cheated AGAIN, cried my tears, had some time to myself, and now feel ready to meet new people) but I feel really out of practice. I think my three main problems are: 1. I'm used to seeing guys as friends, and am out of practice at seeing them as potentially more than friends/having them see me as something more than a friend. 2. I guess my relationship with my ex dented my self-confidence a little. I probably don't feel as attractive as I used to before I found out he was cheating, and I guess that might come across...like, I get nervous if I'm making eye contact with a guy I'm talking to that he's thinking how ugly I am...but it means I end up avoiding eye contact, subtly putting a hand over my mouth...stupid stuff. 3. I'm not great at reading guys' signals. Like, there was one guy who I thought was a friend, but when we were out a few weeks ago, he tried to kiss me! Then there's a guy at work I like, but think is way out of my league, and he spent two hours talking to me the other day (when he could have sat in his own office) - my friends say that's a sign he's at least interested in me, but I kinda think I behaved like a friend again...argggh. I suppose I'm also nervous of being rejected again :(Anyway, any advice on all of this would be so welcome, particularly if any of you have been through something similar before. And guys, how can a girl be cool but at the same time make you see she likes you as more than a friend (or not)? Thanks. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): It works differently for different guys as you know, some of us just don't get hints, signs and flirting no matter how obvious girls think they're being. Others just assume that every girl that is talking to them is interested and take everything as a sign of interest.
We live in Ireland and it's still the case in most peoples eyes that the guy has to do all the work, that girls are only 'supposed' to flirt and drop hints but you know the most successful girls I know as regards dating are the ones that are willing to make the moves, the girls that know what they want and are confident they can get it.
I've seen how they do it many times and it is very easy for them because of their confidence.
Pretty much every guy will talk to any girl that approaches him. There's no real trick to this at all, we like to be flirted with in the same way as girls do. We like to be complimented on our appearance and other things, if you can make a person feel good about themselves from the outset they'll be more open to talking. Compliments are a great ice breakers too and they immediately signal intent. Nothing says 'I like you' more than a compliment.
Treat the guy like he's the only guy in the room when you're talking to him, tell jokes, talk about him and test comfort levels with light touching on the elbow etc.
This is however only one way of doing it, you can also cut to the chase with most of us guys and sometimes that is best.
A lot of guys are shy, don't know how to flirt, may be inexperienced, unable to make their interest obvious or just plain nervous so you can't really tell if they're interested or not it's best to assume they are and if they haven't made a move then you should.
Just remember not to be afraid of rejection it's never anything personal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): (Original Poster) thanks so much for the advice so far :)
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Long story short... Make eye contact, look down to their toes then back up again to their eyes. Instantly guys know that you've just checked them out, but you haven't technically done anything so there's nothing you can be embarrassed about. Once guys know you've checked them out they'll do all the work and all you have to do is laugh at their jokes, play with your hair and touch their arm and they'll be all over you. Trouble with eye contact? Start by wearing dark glasses which people can't see your eyes through, then walk around in public and make eye contact with a person for as long as you can. Then once you get more confident just take off the glasses. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, BethyBoo +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Well the greatest thing about flirting is it comes naturally to almost everyone. Some people are really good at it and flirt alot, some people not so much. Even if you aren't good at flirting, you can find yourself doing it just because you like a guy and you didnt even know what was happening :)
Here are some things I've learnt:
1. Confidence gives amazing results! Smile lots and just have fun!
2. Get involved in conversations. Keep the dialogue flowing.
3. Test your boundaries carefully.
4. Have fun but don't throw yourself at men.
Good Luck!
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Its all about being obvious. They should see your flirting a mile away! Dont be affraid, have fun with flirting!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 First thing, you should be proud, and I mean PROUD of yourself for dumping the cheating loser. It's not YOUR fault he cheated, and his behavior is a reflection on how ugly HE is, not YOU.
Second, yeah, you'll have to get used to being free and single again. After years of being in a committed relationship, it's hard to let your eyes wander and allow yourself to like other guys.
Third, and this is extremely important, you can't let a fear of rejection slow you down. The best salespeople in the world and the most successful people have met and overcome a truckload of rejection. Think of the rejection as the dirt you have to dig through to get to the gold mine. Don't take it personally, and remember, the guys will be worried about YOUR rejection too!
Finally, the best way to read a guy's signals is to be direct yourself. If you have feelings for someone, tell him and show him! That's the beauty of being out of high school - no need to pass a note to your friends to find out if a guy likes you, only to hide behind the gym in hopes that he notices you.
Good luck to you! I know it's scary, but I think you're gonna do fine! Don't be desperate, and find someone who cherishes you!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Your attitude is wrong. You don't flirt because you want a guy to act a certain way, to behave a certain way with you. You flirt because you are happy and confident as a woman, and would not care whether a guy would have a relationship with you as a result of that. When you appreciate yourself as a woman, your femininity, at the same time you love men as who they are, they can feel that and can't resist you. Flirting shouldn't become a task. It's a birthright, a state of mind. Most of the times I would act a certain way, a guy responds then only when I replay the incidence in my mind would I be aware that I was really flirting. It's not about what to think, what to do, what to dress, how to play hard to get, what to make him think. It's about loving men and understanding them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): Okay, first of all you need to get your confidence up and going again. Pamper yourself, buy new clothes, get a massage, maybe a new haircut, anything that makes you feel fresh and good. Your relationship might have ended, but you're free to do whatever you want. Noone demands anything from you anymore. Try to taste that freedom by doing fun things you had little time for previously or maybe you didn't do them because your ex didn't like it. Well, now is the time to catch up.
Stuff like this helps you feel more relaxed and appreciative of yourself. And boy, does that make a difference in how you come across.
Don't worry about feeling insecure, both physically and mentally. It's all about how you are. If you are radiant and content, people will gravitate towards you because you give a vibe of being a fun person to be around. You're on the market, why not get noticed?
Now, onto the 'technical' stuff.
1. If you feel you need to work on eyecontact, practise with a friend/family member/etc. What you do is this. Tell a story, and during this story you'll have to look the other in the eye the whole time. It will be hard, but you'll get better at it. After a while you'll stop staring and resting your gaze on them instead. Now, looking away sometimes IS good because it gives some space. So it does has it's purpose. But if you feel you avert your gaze too often, this is a good exersise.
2. NOONE IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. Your mind is your biggest enemy when it comes to this. You are worthy of this man, just like you are worthy of any other you might fancy.
3. There's nothing wrong with getting to know a guy as a friend and then turning it into something more. Give your guy more hints if you want, by inviting him for coffee, or something else. Tell him you want to know what he looks like when he's not under the fluerescent lighting of the workplace ;-)
4. You're not telepathic. Some people are just hard to read. Everyone gets caught off guard sometimes. I too had a guy trying to kiss me when I was 100% sure he wasn't interested in me.
But do try to look out for body language. Observe how he moves around you. People who are into others subconsciously stand closer to them than other people. Sometimes they mimick their stance to yours and match the way they have their hands to yours. Not always, but it could be a sign. Does he try to catch your attention a lot? Does he look happy when he's around you? All might be signs he's into you.
Good luck and don't sell yourself short by thinking you're less than you are.
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