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female
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anonymous
writes: I've posted many times on here because I'm still struggling with breaking up with my ex. I felt that he disrespected me by asking me to smoke or drink over and over after I had said no many times. He also, made me feel guilty for wanting to stop sleeping with him since I had previously slept with him. He said I must be cheating on him or not love him. I guess he might have had mixed signals because I broke down and gave in to him sometimes so we wouldn't fight. He keeps saying now that he did respect me and those issues were something of the past. But, if they were of the past, why would he apologize only to put me through it over and over again? Then, when I tried to speak about these hurtful issues to him he wouldn't hear any of it. I don't want to go through my life now doubting myself and believing that he in fact was right all along (that I made a big deal out of little things). So, if somone could give me advice on how to see this picture clearly and reassure me that I made the right decision in breaking up with him once and for all that would be great.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (10 December 2007):
 You are so involved here that you can't see the forest for the trees. Did you read your letter after you posted it? He is such a control freak, and has you second-guessing yourself so much, that it is bordering on abuse. He tells you what to do, he acusses you of cheating, you felt pressured into sleeping with him so he would stop fighting, he throws the past in your face, he doesn't listen to anything that proves him wrong in any way, he won't discuss things fairly and he has PURPOSEFULLY made you so weak that you now question all of your own judgements. THAT is the sign of an abusive relationship. He wanted to dominate you. Does he blame and critcize you, get angry if you pay attention to someone else, blame you for causing the trouble, embarrass you in front of people, deny being the cause of this and check up on where you are or what you are doing? ALL of these are signs of abuse. ALL of the previous ones that YOU wrote were signs of abuse too. You are VERY smart and very lucky to have gotten out now. DO NOT GO BACK. I think that you have dodged a bullet here. You should be very careful in the future that you don't allow anyone to let you question your own values, as you have in this relationship. The man who will truly love you will respect you for the persson that you are. You are a strong young woman with a strong moral code. Best of luck with everything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I agree with baby duck. You really just need to break up. No these are not small issues. Obviously he is taking advantage of you.
I don't agree with baby duck about changing your values. Refraining from smoking and drinking are good values. The only value you should change is about sex. You shouldn't have sex with anyone less than your spouse. The reason being that the attatchment created by sex will cause emotional stress that simple relationships can't handle. In your case it has caused self doubt about leaving him and even doubting that these issues are even worth disputing. And don't make the mistake that you have to sleep with someone because you love each other. That type of sex is not for love but lust. Even if you don't agree with this, just know that for now, leaving him is the best choice
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A
female
reader, raiderlily  +, writes (10 December 2007):
You definately did the right thing. If you have to question if you should be with someone then you already know deep down inside that you shouldn't. You'll be so much happier to be with someone who supports you in your morals and loves you for being you. You shouldn't give in and have sex just to avoid a fight, it should be something special that you do because you love that person. Besides why would you want to be with someone who shuts you out when you have feelings that you need to talk about. A great relationship is when you can talk about anything, the good and the bad.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (10 December 2007):
 Why is he asking questions if you're cheating on him? If he's asking you that, he may be the one doing the cheating.
We, women, know if there's something going on, there's something going on. At times, we do make it a big issue when they're just small issues. We can't help it. That's just in our nature. Actually, it goes both ways.
Anyhow, it's not you. Stop second guessing yourself when the problem is him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): You are absolutely right to break off with a person who is so dismissive of you. Image spending years in a relationship with someone who had to have their way all the time and who didn't really take you seriously. It would break your spirit. Trust your instincts, they are spot on.
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