A
female
age
41-50,
*ee_83
writes:Hi This is a long story so hear goes...Well there was this guy I met at a club. He saved me from another guy who was trying to basically attack me. We hung out for the night swapped numbers. He contacted me we would talk on the phone for hours, send texts all that kind of stuff.3 weeks after I met him went to his house, hung out he dropped me home. The next weekend met him out went to his house the whole weekend and we just hung out watched dvd's and the footy and stuff. When he dropped me home (we were both drunk) I asked what was happening with us and he totally freaked out! He said he would prefer it if I didn't see other people but 'he really couldn't say that'. I didn't hear from him for like a week and then he rang me asking if I was going out and we ended up meeting up. Things went on like this for awhile and then I just stopped hearing from him.Every 4 or 5 weeks he will appear were I hang out and approach me and we will end up talking and he says he really likes me blah blah blah. Go back to his house and hang out and have heaps of fun..I talk to his brother on the phone and stuff like that, he buys me dinner etc. Then I just don't hear from him. Once when I was at his house and wanted to go to the shop he said "NO I will go your not really dressed to go to the shop". As I was wearing a short skirt and tight top.He has touched on problems with his ex and stuff but I just can't figure him out.So the next time I saw him out I totally ignored him didn't even speak to him and then I get this text at 5:30 in the morning "I will be honest with you I only want to be friends! Is that alright? And I just texted back "who is this" i really couldn't be bothered. We haven't slept together so it's not like he is using me for sex. I am just very confused as I really kind of liked him and we do get along really well when we are together.So I guess I am asking what is this guy is playing at?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Good for you!
;-)
A
female
reader, Dee_83 +, writes (24 September 2009):
Dee_83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses guys. I suppose I know that he really wont commit or give me anything of value.
To be honest the "I only want to be friends" was the first time he had texted me in ages and that was only after seeing me out enjoying myself and ignoring him. So I don't really think he wants to even be friends.
Lolal - I though my response "who is this" was a good one as well! It's about all he deserves.
And I do go out and have fun with my friends it just happens that sometimes I bump into him but from now on I am just going to ignore him. He has my number and if he can't be bothered even texting me or calling me to see how i am why should I bother going back and hanging out with him like nothing has happened.
Thanks again guys :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
He's a male point of view, hopefully not too painful, but certainly truthful.
He likes you as a friend, that's it.
He isn't going to commit to you, because if he was, by now he would have done something. He hasn't. Thankfully, he hasn't used you either, which leaves things a little less complicated. You can be a friend to him, but that's it. Don't wait around for him. Instead, go out with your other friends and socialzze with other guys. The one for you is out there. It isn't this guy. Hope that helps. x
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
P.S. The "Who are you?" text was, in my opinion, brilliant! Good for you!
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
This advice may sound blunt, and if so, I apologize in advance. I have had this conversation SO often with my girlfriends, efficiency has probably edited out the niceties, but I will do my best. ;-)
It sounds as though everything was going very well until you made the fatal mistake a lot of girls make and asked what was going on.
Prior to the question, he was able to enjoy being with you, getting to know you etc., but didn't have to answer questions about a possible future or make a commitment to you or to himself about what may or may not happen.
Because he didn't know himself, he felt uncomfortable because since you'd asked, he was expected to provide an answer he clearly didn't have. That made him blunder about between not being in touch often (so as not to lead you on) and inviting you up to his place to hang out when he saw you (so as not to lose you as a friend or potential girlfriend).
It's unfortunate, but for the time being, I think you are best to leave it as "just friends". However, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't treat him as I do my other friends. In my mind, things would be left civil, but since I (you) have enough friends I (you) don't have time to drop everything to go to his place when he bumps into me (you) and act like nothing happened.
I believe you are a smart and pretty girl. I think in a short period of time, another guy (or guys) will present themselves as potential dating material.
So, have no regrets about what you said, should have said or should not have said. Asking for clarity is not a bad thing, but now you know the effect it can have for young guys (and some girls).
Most men who are sure they are ready for a girlfriend will let their intensions be known from the start and you won’t have to ask. Trust me. There are fewer shy ones out there than you think, and even they will usually let their feelings be known.
If it’s possible, use the “hours spent on the phone” to discover what he wants out of life for the time being and the future in general terms (not in terms of you and him as a potential couple – just generally speaking as though you are speaking to your friend). It’s more important to feel people out for matching goals before you invest too much into them, than to compare favourite movies and bands and clubs.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): It sounds to me like he really isn't sure of what he wants. Hence him pulling you back and forth, and coming and going himself, like a yo-yo.
I think he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but at the same time, he may be scared of losing you. So he is keeping you in this sort of "in-between" zone.
I think it is unfair on you though, as it must be very confusing. I guess you could stay in this situation, if you can accept it for what it is. Or, if it is not acceptable to you, and you would like more, then I think it might be time to say goodbye to him. If you would like a proper relationship, then I just don't think he is the guy to give that to you. This situation has been going on for some time now, so I can't see him suddenly changing his mind now. The fact that he told you he only wants to be friends makes me think that even more.
So I think it depends on what you want. He said he wants to only be friends, and he asked you if that is alright. Is it alright? Are you comfortable with that? Only you can answer that. What do you want? And are you getting it from this guy?
This must be confusing, so I hope something here helps you to decide for yourself what to do. Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): He gave you the answer.He just wants friendship.
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