A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi... So I was living in a different part of the state for work when i met this amazing girl in October 2010. We went on 3 dates and became boyfriend/girlfriend. We both did this knowing that I had to temporarly move 450 miles away for 6 months, with my return in april. We made it a point to talk all the time. The relationship was never easy... But always worth it. Right out the gate, we had issues with her crazy ex who she used to live with till they broke up and she moved home 7 months prior. She has a drunk for a father that she lives with, and her mom wants her to get back with her ex even though he was abusive and also cheated. So needless to say, her mom is not a fan of me. But we ignored them all and their drama and tried to see each other once a month for a few days. I love this girl. When she is away from her life drama, she is amazing.But about 3 weeks ago, the s--t really hit the fan in her life. Her father let her ex move in and live on their couch behind her back. She was having trouble with her boss at work. Her dads drinking problem started to act up. And as of 2 weeks ago, her dads house went into forclosure. She had to force her dad to file for bankruptcy and she had to give the bank her savings of $14,000 to save the house cause no bank would give her dad a loan. That money was going to get her a new car. With all this going on, her communication with me has just about stopped. I dont know what I can do. I am 450 mi away. We rarely talk and its driving me crazy. We go days without any communication... But she tells me that she is not ignoring me or avoiding me, but that she is so stressed and focused on fixing all in her life. On top of that, her ex is helping her with trying to sell things to stop the forclosure, but he is trying to use it as a way to win her back.She tells me she will not let that happen. So my question is...1. Do I trust her with her ex, even though it does not feel right?2.Should I be upset that I only hear from her every 3 days and she ignores my texts or calls in beteween?3. How can I support her durring this hard time from so far away? 4. Is it worth it to stick through this for 2 more months?I honestly dont know what to to and a side of me is scared that I'm going to get thrown under the bus. Please help.Thank you
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Things seem to be looking up for you! That's great! I have to admit, I don't understand her parent's reasoning. Anybody who would encourage their daughter to date a man who has cheated, and emotionally and physically abused her, needs to have their head examined! Fortunately, it sounds your girlfriend is smart enough to know better. I wouldn't worry about her ex. He doesn't hold a candle to you! I hope things work out for all of you. Please keep me updated! Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to answer your questions...
The relationship was not easy because of her parents and her ex. We get along great. Even though we dont talk much... When we do, it goes great.
Her mother became aware of his cheating the same time that my girlfriend did, about 6 months after the relationship ended. My girl flipped out, but her mom told her still to "work it out." She told her mom she is crazy and did not want to end up like her. I dont know why her mom likes her ex so much. I know he also tries to kiss her ass a lot also. My girlfriend and her ex dated for 2 and a half years. with no children involved. She is only 20 and I am 25.
As far as the ex living there goes. He is not paying rent that I know of. And her dad is on disability and is on a fixed income.
My girlfriend tried to make the least amout of contact with her ex before he moved in. But he was always calling, texting and trying to start arguements and trouble with her. They would never meet up at all. In fact, he showed up to her famlies christmas party uninvited and drunk yelling at her in front of her family. Of course her mom was not there to see it. I have voiced my concerns with her about her ex. She tells me that I have nothing to worry about. That she no longer loves him and wants nothing to do with him. She said she is upset that he is living on the couch and she told her dad that she does not want him there. But her dad said too bad. Her ex was homeless when he came to her dad and asked to live there.
I talked to her last night on the phone for about 45 minutes. Everything seemed fine. She told me she was sorry that we dont talk as much, but that she is so stressed and worn out that she does not know which was is up. That she has friends who have been trying to contact her for 2 weeks and she has yet to talk to them. That everything between us is good and that she loves me and misses me. That she will try harder to talk to me, or at least be more regular if its still not often. That she loves me and misses me and that she will be able to talk more when they get this forclosure thing figured out.
And there ya go.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (10 February 2011):
This is a difficult situation, and it’s hard to say exactly what is going on in your girlfriend’s mind. Before I answer your questions, I would like to point out a few things.
You stated, “The relationship was never easy.” Is this purely due to her relationship with her parents and ex? Or were the two of you having other problems, as well?
Then, you said, “Her mom wants her to get back with her ex even though he was abusive and also cheated. So needless to say, her mom is not a fan of me.” Ok… I need a little more detail about this. I realize the mother knows the ex was verbally abusive, but is she aware of his cheating? What is it about the ex that the mother likes so much? How long did your girlfriend date her ex, and are there children involved?
In addition, you stated, “I have seen her rip his head off in person and on the phone with me standing next to her.” This could be a red flag regarding her temper. If she can do this to someone she once loved, don’t assume she won’t do this to you. Just something to be aware of.
1. Do I trust her with her ex, even though it does not feel right?
You really have no choice in this matter. Her father has invited the ex into his home, so as long as your girlfriend lives there too, they are going to be around one another. I do have few questions about this… is the ex paying her father rent? Is the father unemployed? Perhaps the father needed extra income to get out of this foreclosure, so he decided to take in the ex. Obviously, the financial situation is causing a lot of stress for your girlfriend and her father. That is to be expected. It does sound like the ex is trying to help with selling stuff, which they desperately need. He’s probably hoping things will work out between him and your girlfriend. If this happens, there’s really nothing you can do about it. It’s better to know now, rather then later, if she still has feelings for her ex.
Why was your girlfriend still in contact with her ex when you two became girlfriend/boyfriend? And how often was she talking/meeting up with him before he moved into her father’s home? Also, have you shared these concerns you have about her ex living with her? Assuming your have, what did she say?
2. Should I be upset that I only hear from her every 3 days and she ignores my texts or calls in between?
This is probably the biggest concern I have. Usually, when people are falling in love, they don’t ignore texts or phone calls, especially this early in the game. Granted, your girlfriend is stressed out at the moment, but that’s really not a good reason to go days without contact. It’s quite possible you were contacting her too much and this was driving her away. As far as texts and phone calls are concerned… let her contact you first! At the most, you can contact her once a week, but it’s best to let her make the effort. She needs to realize how much she misses you! If you are bombarding her with calls and text messages, this will not happen. That’s very, very important!
3. How can I support her during this hard time from so far away?
As difficult as it may be, you need to be positive and supportive about her situation. It’s okay to let her know you don’t like the fact that she is living with her ex, but until you are back home again, don’t gripe about it. This will only push her further away.
4. Is it worth it to stick through this for 2 more months?
It’s only 2 months, so I would stick it out. Once you are back home, see how things go for a couple months and then reevaluate the situation. After 2 months at home, if things haven’t changed, and she still doesn’t respond to your text messages and calls, then I would highly suggest you move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 In my opinion your girlfriend has been very open and honest with you up until this point therefore I dont see any reason why she would cheat on you. She has grew up with a drunk as a father which can be very hard on a young girl and can affect there life, also she was abused by her ex therefore she probably is trying to keep her phone calls to a minimum as she doesnt want to risk him flying of the handle at her especially if she knows he is violent. She has been throwing in to a very messy situation and she probably doesnt know how to get out of it.
However I am assuming that she is an adult and therefore I think she really needs to look at her life. I understand that she has spent her savings on her family which they obviously mean a lot to her. But she needs to get out of that house. She needs to find an apartment she can rent and be away from her ex. As living in the same house as him is going to be trouble. Also if he is being overly nice and helping her out she may start getting feelings for him again without helping it.
Therefore you really need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Explain to her how worried you are and that you are scared as you feel like you are losing her. tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel that she is living in the same house as her ex. Try and come to some sort of arrangement where she can move out and not have to be living there. maybe one of her friends could help her and put her up for a couple of months until you come back. But things just cant go on the way they are going now you really need to call her and tell her how you feel. Then it is up to her to make her decision. Goodluck and all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I guess I need to clear a couple things up.Her peaernt don't know that her ex was physically abusive, only verbally. Yes I know that is still not good. Also her parentd are divorced because her dad was physically and verbally abusive to her mom. Yes I see a pattern here, but I also see her really trying to break it. She was trying to get out of the house...Out of town for that matter till the forclosure came in. I have also known her friends for a while. They say she has never cheated because she has been cheated on 2 times and it hurt her so bad.Her ex does know about me, but we make it a point to stay away from him when im in town cause he flips out. Her dad let her ex in cause he buys her dad booze and kisses his ass all the time.I believe my girlfriend when she says that nothing is going on with him. I have seen her rip his head off in person and on the the phone with me standing next to her. Granted I still dont like the situation.Should I still be? or am I being paranoid due to the distance?As far as the communication goes... Half my friends say dump her while the other half say that im being emotional and need to accept talking to her every 2-3 days. as long as she sticks with it.What do you think?
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A
female
reader, victory202 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Sounds like she is cheating on you with her ex, or she dosen't want her ex to know that she is communicating with you. Her ex is abusive and he might hurt her if he finds out she is with you. You went from talking all the time to every three days. I would let her know how I feel for her one last time over the phone or in person and if she does not make the effort to keep in regular contact with you things will end whether you want them to or not. I was in a long disatnce relationship for 2 yrs. It wont last if regular communication is not a priority for the both of you. This sounds very tough and the bottom line is you should find out where things stand because that will determine whether you support her through her situation or not. You might have to walk away if she dosent want to take a stand for herself and get away from her father and her ex.Hope this helps.
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