A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I’ve been with my first boyfriend for about 2 years now. Things seem good. There have been no major issues, we’re quite compatible, and I love him very much. He is six years older than me, and has three girlfriends previous to me. When I visit him, there are times when he is at work and I’m alone in his apartment. I respect his property, but the flip side of that is that I love to clean. I work around things most of the time, sweeping and moving as little as possible to just straighten up. One day I was putting away clothes. As I scooted some shirts over in the bottom drawer, I noticed a packet of photos. Well, I pulled them out and looked. Inside were cute and tasteful photos of his high school girlfriend. She was very pretty. Looking at them, I felt a little inferior, but they didn’t upset me. I know this is his past, and I should be willing to accept that. I put them right back where I found them, and didn’t say a word.This is what worries me, however. He had dated her in high school, broke up with her (I assume on good terms) when he moved away to college, and proceeded to date and break up with the next two girls. After his last breakup, he went back to see his high school sweetheart for two weeks before coming to the East coast, where he met me. He is still on good terms with her. Every time he goes back to his hometown where she is, however, I feel worried he will visit her. I don’t interrogate him on who he sees or talks to, so I don’t know how often he interacts with her. I feel bad poking into his private life, but I’d lake also to know if I should be aware of something. My concern is that he hasn’t moved on from having feelings about her. He says “I don’t consider her one of my best friends”, and “I wouldn’t cheat on you”, but I still feel uneasy. The fact he keeps these photos tells me to be careful, and that maybe he doesn’t love me with his full attention. Yes, he is a respectful guy, and he takes care of me. But how do I know he’s moved on? How do I know I have his genuine love, and he has put his love for his ex in an appropriate place? I’m really afraid of getting hurt by being inattentive to something that maybe has not ended, emotionally speaking.
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female
reader, LizBetty  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 I believe he has told you about his past life?. So Seeing the pics now doesn't mean he is still in love with his ex. Take a look at this,if he doesn't have genuine love for you he won't have been open hearted to you, even to the extend of giving you his apartment key. So relax your mind and try to make the relationship move to the next level.
A
male
reader, Bounties  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Speaking from personal experience, guys tend too remember there first love, this is not something you should be worried about, your boyfriend sounds genuine and a loving partner.Put faith and trust in what he says, he does not sound like the type too play the field. A good man, has fond past memories and that is all they are. Don't confuse them with feelings of unresolved emotions. I have fond memories of my first girlfriend and that is all they are.Look in your heart do you remember your fist boyfriend, most people do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I don't think you need to worry.
First of all, you're clearly a very sensible, level-headed person. You realize that finding photos from your bf's past is not a reason to freak out, and that it definitely doesn't mean he still has feelings for his ex. Your 'intellectual' response here is a good one. It recognizes that your guy has a past that he may want to remember, even though it's emotionally entirely behind him. It also acknowledges the sad but true fact that many guys are simply NOT good at cleaning and organizing their stuff! If yours is any like mine, he's the type to stuff something in the bottom of a drawer when he moves in and then forget its existence!
However, underneath that sensible response is an emotional response. That emotional response isn't rational, but it's perfectly natural all the same. It can be a bit freaky to think of your partner with someone else, particularly when you're confronted with it in the form of photographs. It's also natural to compare yourself to the ex - and to feel that you somehow don't 'match up' to the past.
However - the point is HE IS WITH YOU NOW! Clearly, things went wrong in the past, which is why he and his ex broke up. Their relationship didn't work - but yours does. Remember that!
The best way to prevent this from turning into a festering concern for you is to talk about it with your boyfriend. Don't do it in a confrontational way, and don't feel ashamed to explain how you feel. Tell him that you love him, and that you know it's silly to feel anxious, but that you found the photos and you're worried about the past. Allow him to reassure and comfort you.
And don't worry about the visits! It is possible for exes to be friends after a relationship - and no more. My boyfriend and his ex are very close - something I found extremely difficult at the start of our relationship, to the point that it caused me acute anxiety, even panic attacks. However, I'm now a couple of years down the road, and after a lot of talking and time to adjust, I now feel totally comfortable with it. What's more, over time his ex and I have become best friends - we get on better than she and my boyfriend do!! The more you can make yourself a part of his life, including perhaps accompanying him on those trips back home and meeting the ex, the more this won't be an issue between you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): If you are only getting this "vibe" from the pics you saw, I would tell you to dont mind it too much, its just pictures. If some guy came into my room and began looking into my stuff (cellphone, pc, pic's album) he would find pictures of all my ex boyfriends. Do I love those guys? NO, Do I talk to any of them on a daily basis? NO, Do I know their where abouts nowadays? NO , Do I want them back? HELL NO!
How often do I see those pictures? Maybe twice a year.
Pictures are just an image of a moment. She could've been Miss America back in those years a nowadays she could be plain jane!.
You only need to worry when the pics are recent and he is in them, otherwise those are memories.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Oh wow. I find it amazing you hold this much respect for him to not poke around and freak out on him. You are, indeed, a good woman to him.
Though you have no reason to think he is cheating on you, you have these worried thoughts. If he knows you like to clean, just tell him how you came across the pictures and ask him what you have on your mind. Make it clear that you completely respect his privacy and were not looking for anything. If he allows you in his house without his presence, he obviously knows the risk of you seeing these things, so I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. But asking will definitely reassure you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I respect his property, but the flip side of that is that I love to clean
Looks like you've found a rationalization for not respecting his privacy. Next time you are tempted to look through his things by cleaning..take a walk, watch tv, talk on the phone, read a book..
I think you will be more calm in the relationship by learning to trust him versus finding evidence not to.
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