A
male
age
30-35,
*hss117
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,Would you please tell me what I can do next time? I screwed up royally, and all I can do is to learn from my awful mistakes, however painful that may be. Please take time to read my long story. Thank you.I am a twenty year old who really dropped the ball. I recently ended my very first relationship of six months, and it went horribly. The first three months were great, but so much changed over our college's winter break. My ex girlfriend came back with a shaved head, and I did not know at all how to react to her choice. Now that I think about it, all my reactions were totally unwarranted and selfish. I should have accepted her for who she was and respected her decision no matter how much it bothered me. But I didn't. I was the biggest jerk. I did not think that I was capable of such callousness. Rude awakening, huh? I mean, I was raised hearing the Golden rule every Sunday, but why did I not take that lesson to heart? I wish that I could take all the hurtful, mean, unjustified things back. However, I also know that I should take responsibility for my choices. And that's killing me.I wanted to be the perfect boyfriend. The trouble is, though, I now believe that I went in to the relationship with a Disney version of love. I found myself shocked when I realized the need for our personal spaces; I had neglected to form friendships with other people on the campus. Combining that with my uncertainty about my first girlfriend (settling down, etc), I was pretty scared. Now, sensible people would have gone for advice, but since I was a stubborn jackass, I tried to figure things out the hard way. Woe to me. We all know what happens when scared people try to do things. Because of my bad choices, our breakup went quite horribly (I was way too honest, telling her that I broke up with her since I did not want to tell her what to do about her shaved head). Through this, I think I hurt her more than I ever had through that experience. She was quite heartbroken, and had a one-night stand. I really feel guilty. She was nothing but sweet to me...But I suppose that I should also list the things I did correctly, right? I am in no way trying to excuse my behavior. I fully own up to them. I want to forgive myself, so I can move on. I did set clear boundaries for sex, and wanted to wait a while before we did anything. I never had sex with her. (I'm not sure if this counts too much, though.) Also, I stayed in the hospital by her side when she was sick and I encouraged her academically.And the last question...First relationships never really work out, right? I'm not the only person that makes these kinds of mistakes? I just wish that it wasn't her that got hurt. I really wish that I could take her place...
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male
reader, ohss117 +, writes (10 June 2010):
ohss117 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Lottie Cole,
No, she didn't shave her head because of any medical condition.
And to everyone, thank you very much for all the advice. I really appreciate them.
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (10 June 2010):
 No, you're not the only person who makes these mistakes. Hard as it is to believe right now, we all do;, sadly, some make the same mistakes repeatedly and then remain in aghast wide-eyed wonderment at the same results manifest time and again. Luckily, you don't seem to belong to the later group.
Though I think you're beating up on yourself too much.
You reacted to a sudden, unanticipated shock. Now, hindsight is showing you that you perhaps gone a bit easier. This is why it is said "hindsight is 20/20" You live, you make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them), you learn, you go on. Then you die. It's how it goes.
I'm not suggesting you merely shrug off your behavior as inconsequential, it appears as though you're doing a splendid job of examining every aspect of the event.
I am no believer in the PC protocol of accepting everything and everyone, regardless of how offensive it is. So I don't support your view of should have accepted and appreciated the screaming absurdity of shaving her head a' la Britney Spears. If her shaved head was offensive to you, then it was offensive, plain and simple. Make no apologies for being offended by it. Common courtesy dictates she should've at least warned you that she was flaking out on you like that.
All you can do is offer an apology if your behavior was so egregiously inappropriate. If so, you reacted, you made a mistake and this too shall pass. Don't wallop yourself to death over it. Be mindful of it, certainly. But beating yourself to a bloody pulp isn't warranted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Yeah we all make absolutely stupid mistakes like the one you made.
Frankly you deserve to feel as bad as you do right now, but you'll get over it and as long as you learn from your mistakes then it won't be that bad.
You've owned up to your mistake, you've taken responsibility for what you did wrong, now you just have to get to the stage of forgiving yourself.
Don't be so hard on yourself, think long and hard about how and why you acted this way. Go over it time and time again, every little detail, no matter how cringeworthy don't try and hide from it. You'll come to some harsh conclusions as you already have but that's how you learn.
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A
female
reader, LottieCole  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Dear ohss117,
we all make mistakes from time to time and especially during our first relationship. Yes possibly you should have reacted to her shaved head a little differently but we all handle things in our own way. You say you stayed by her bedside whilst she was at hospital so from that i gather maybe her shaven head had something to do with this? If so you were dealing with a large issue within a relatively new relationship. You are wise to look back over this relationship and see the negative and positive sides and this will occur in every relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend or even relationship. They all require work and dedication in order for them to blossom. Having realised how a relationship can consume your life you are now in a position to rebuild those friendships you missed out on and maintain these when you next venture into the dating world.
Our reactions show our strengths and our weaknesses, how you reacted also showed your age, and it is only through growth and experience that we can change those things. Forgive yourself for how this relationship played out, if need be tell your ex how sorry and childish you reacted during your relationship and then move on with your life. You are already learning about yourself and the man you want to be.
I wish you all the best,
Lottie x
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