A
female
age
30-35,
*roofroo22
writes:I don't have a BF right now, and I have actually never had a boyfriend before. However, I realized that there are many men out there that cheat, not because they don't love their GF enough, (or so I think), but because they just love to have variety when it comes to sex. I can see why a man may venture off the others. I realize that many men say that sex is just sex and that they can separate emotional attachment from it much more easily than women can. So it makes me think, "If a BF can separate feelings from sex, will me allowing him to have sex with others bother me?? Even if I know there's nothing emotional there?"Like I said, I've never had a BF before, so I don't know how I'll feel. But is there anything I can do or think about to make me know if a BF having sex with others will bother me? My stance right now is that I of course would love to be the only woman in his life. However, I'm seeing just how many men love variety and that many men cheat, so I want to learn if allowing him to be sexually polygamous would make me feel bad OR if I should just stay away from men like that in general.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 I know for me personally I could not be with someone who was having sex with other people. I need trust in a relationship, and if you love and trust someone then you will be much more happier I think. People like having an open relationship and yes many women and men do cheat. But if you loved someone you would not want to share them, well I wouldn't anyway. Not all man can seperate feelings from sex. Yes a lot more men are less emotional than women but does not mean they won't fall for someone who they are having sex with.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (15 December 2016):
 WOW. Clapping after reading WiseOwl's post. He hit right on the nail! Please re-read that advice again and again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2016):
 You're speaking out of lack of experience. So that's why you have listened to a lot of things and believe them because you don't know any better for lack of personal experience.
But this is just bullshit. No, men don't cheat more than women, and they aren't able to separate emotions from sex any more than women do.
Im a former player myself, back in my early twenties I had sky high sex drive and would go crazy if I didn't get laid. I played the field, and trust me, men in general do NOT want no strings attached sex. They want relationships. And they aren't interested in roaming the field and testing the waters elsewhere, not when they worked so hard to find a good woman to fall in love with.
Sure some men cheat, and some women cheat. But that is a minority. Most have the common sense to end the current relationship first, if they have ended up falling for someone else, or have ended up wanting sex elsewhere.
If you allowed a man you are in a relationship with, to be polygamous, I think he'd feel unwanted by you. Like you don't care enough about him to actually want to have him for yourself.
Besides, you can't love someone 100% and be commited to them 100%, if you are saying to them go be with other women too. Then you're only committing yourself 50%, and he will not want to commit to you 100% for this exact reason.
Love is a risk. But unless you commit yourself 100%, you can never except to get 100% in return.
Instead of trying to be okay with cheating (which is what you're talking about here, not poly-amorous relationship, there is a difference, look it up), I suggest that you mentally prepare yourself for kicking someone to the curb if they cheat, and how to heal your heart so that you are ready to try again with someone else. Because that is the only way to go at it, if you want to find someone who is with you 100%, just like you are with them 100%.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): Alright, alright, let's even things up here!
There is this general presumption that all men are just promiscuous and unfaithful. As if that is to be expected of our gender. That's sexist and cynical stereotyping on the part of women with bad-taste, low self-esteem, unable to make good choices; and no clue about what men want or what a good man is. Macho seems to cover it all.
Seriously?!!
Nobody likes the simple nice-guys; because we're boring.
Bad-boys are sexy, treat women like crap, sweet-talk you with total bullsh*t; and some women will stay with him, even if he beats them half to death. Rather than let some other woman have him. Whom you're with is a choice; unless your culture demands arranged-marriages. The good-guys get lumped-in with the bad-choices. Mistreated or just flat-out rejected; because he doesn't fit the bad stereotypical macho-kind that is predictable, stupid, and fits the preconceived bad-notion of what some clueless-female thinks a man should be.
When you get a piece of dirt, you dump him. Minimize the drama, and be strong. He can be replaced with something better, provided you deserve it. The bitterness and baggage should be thrown-out with the rubbish; with him sitting on top, with your cute little boot-print on his ass.
You also need to get your equal in personality-type and temperament. Not a total opposite. Not a fixer-upper, or a stray-mongrel. They say opposites may attract; but they're not compatible. Not someone you're expecting more from, than you're able to give. It's got to be 50/50. He deserves a good woman, if he's a good man. Plus, if he is a good man; he does not deserve to be treated like the piece of crap chosen before him, whom you didn't get-over. That turns a good-man, bad! He took a risk, and got a slap in the face in return. He could have done better!
Men and women go through wild and unruly phases in our lives. We have values and cultural influences on our behavior; and in-general, we all like sex. I read all these negative-generalities about men and sex; as if women are all virtuous and don't cheat. We are mindless dicks jumping in bed randomly with anything with a vagina, or another penis.
Well, there are a lot of man-eaters out there who steal husbands and boyfriends. Gay-females, who steal wives and girlfriends. Women who like one-night stands, and enjoy just having friends-with-benefits. Just like guys! They are just as promiscuous as men, and they are one-half of a cheating adulterous-affair. They aren't all innocent and unaware they are cheating on an unsuspecting sister. Those cheating-men are with the women who make them cheaters. Willingly! They aren't all victims. They manipulate, seduce, and manhunt like there's no tomorrow.
Society brands women as sluts for promiscuity; so they will keep it under wraps, and pretend to be well-behaved at all times. Don't pretend men are all out there having fun and random-sex all by ourselves. We have to have a willing partner. We also have to worry about what the girlfriend or wife is doing: while we're serving in the military on deployment, working over-time, on a business-trip, attending school abroad, or while you're on a girl's night out. This isn't the old-fashioned times when women were virgins until marriage, and prudes in long skirts and lacy collars. You're just like men. Getting your grooves on. So kill it with the male-bashing stereotypes about sex. It's the 21st century, and it runs rampant with both genders.
There are guys out there who are ready and willing to settle-down and commit to one woman. They have to weed through a selection of gold-diggers, needy-greedies, insecures, and clingy psychos. Before they meet someone strong, independent, and can stand on her own two-feet. Not just looking for a diamond ring and somebody's last-name with built-in financial-security. What's love got to do with it? All her friends are married; so she wants to be too. Can't keep him? Get pregnant!
If you select the bad-boy types, or easily commit or marry men before you really know who he is; yes, you've increased your risk of being committed to a cheater. A man is taking a 50/50 chance that he'll be cheated on too!
If you give your heart to the wrong guy, you have to learn to give him up. You have to give yourself time to acquaint yourself with the character and values of the man you have chosen. You can't be a hypocrite and see men for only our faults. Choose according to your needs, and what you can mentally and psychologically handle. While pointing one finger, and three pointing back at: cry-babies, insecurity, weak female-character, manipulators, dependency, paranoia, suspicious-nature, trust-issues, and chronic-naggers.
Which is what, BTW, evens the playing-field.
Would it not be sexist to claim all of the above is to be expected of females? Yes, it would be!!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 December 2016):
 Dear FrooFroo22,
First thank you for creating a profile and joining the site. As answerers it gives us some confidence that you will come back and read what we write.
Your question was "is there anything I can do or think about to make me know if a BF having sex with others will bother me?" The thought experiment that worked for me may work for you. Think about living with someone and wanting to be with them. Think about all the secrets and intimacies that you could have shared. Then imagine yourself packing an overnight bag for him. You will be staying home and he is having a sex date with someone else. Think about giving him the bag as he walks out the door. Think about what you would say, and how you would feel.
I would strongly advise you to gain some relationship experience before you worry about difficult questions like this.
Some final comments about poly relationships. working poly relationships are very rare. Women cheat as much as men. (even with the emotional connection thing) There are men out there who want more than anything a faithful woman, and they can't find one. (because they are bad a choosing, not because there are none)
FA
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 This is a catch 22 question. Yeah some men like a variety so does that mean you should "adjust" to that way of life or just remain single? There are some men who are just fine as monogamous. You just need the patience to find the right guy . Why should you assume the world is all messed up and you need to accept it? Patience my young friend. Let the world come to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 December 2016):
 I think if YOU want to be in a poly/swinger relationship then dating a guy who wants to is fine.
If you JUST want to learn how to "suck it up" so you can keep dating a guy, he is not the right one for you.
IT IS OK! to want a poly/swinger lifestyle AS LONG as your partner wants the same!
And IT IS OK! to want a monogamous faithful relationship AS LONG as your partner wants the same.
The question here should be - how do I learn to be a "good GF" and let my BF fuck around as he pleases... but...
HOW do I find a guy who wants the same kind of relationship as I do.
FIGURE out what YOUR own personal morals, values and boundaries are. What are you OK with and what are you NOT OK with. And then you see if you can find a guy who is COMPATIBLE to you in more ways than he's hot and I'm hot!....
There is NO way I'd want to be in a poly or swinger relationship. I guess I missed that day in pre-K where we "learned" to share. I'll share a LOT of things, but NOT my mate/partner. At least not sexually. No, not for me. I think there are SO many better ways to spice up a relationship instead of adding more people to the mix.
For some people it works. For others (like me) it's just a total no-go.
I certainly don't need to "learn" how to accept that my partner (if he did) wants to screw other women while being with me. If that is what he wants, HE is free to leave and find a woman who is INTO that.
And I certainly wouldn't date a guy who wants that thinking I can change him either.
You seem to think that being a "good GF" mean you have to ALWAYS be the one to bend, that your job is to PLEASE the guy.
So IF you are NOT into having multiple partners yourself, WHY date a guy who wants that? It will only make you miserable.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 Yes, many *people* (not just men!) cheat, but MOST don't. Don't allow a partner to have others if you don't *want* that. Don't settle for someone who wants sex with others, if you want a monogamous relationship.
Look for someone who only wants you. Don't be with someone who will cheat on you just because they want variety and you don't. If they want variety, they need to find a partner who also wants variety, not cheat on you.
I don't think you're ready for a relationship because you shouldn't think the way to avoid cheating is to allow them to have sex with others, rather than finding someone who won't cheat and doesn't want sex with others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): Many men do cheat but that doesn't make it acceptable.It would be the same as saying many people steal, murder, and abuse so it's acceptable because a lot do it. Men are not robots and they do not all feel the same way. Sure even if some don't get emotions from sex it's common for people to become attached to those we spend time with. Most women are not ok with their boyfriends having sex with others because it's betrayal. Not to mention the health risks (I strongly advise you to do your research on STDs). What's the point of even having a relationship if he is always busy chasing after other girls. What if he gets another girl pregnant?You're too good for a scumbag cheater.. Not every man cheats. You will never be happy with a cheater ever. Don't lower yourself like that just to have a boyfriend.
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