A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling really mixed up right now. Please help.I've recently bought a house with my partner of 12 years. We're very happy together. I try to tell myself that his parents are good people. They've financially helped us buy the house and they're always bringing us fresh vegetables and giving us gardening advice etc.. but they are very overpowering people.Lately, especially since we've moved into our own home, I've felt rather overcrowded. They've been turning up nearly everyday and I'm feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Technically, on paper, the property is their home.. but it's starting to feel that way. It seems every time I look out the window their car's coming up the driveway and my first feeling is wanting to run before they see I'm home!I've tried to talk to my partner about it but he completely closes off. He doesn't want to hear a bad word said about his parents. He says, "They're only trying to help!" The other weekend we took a road trip out of town. It was so nice to get away and just be together, alone, for once. When we got back.. we'd no sooner been in the door for 15 minutes and the phone rang - them again. If they ask us for tea I feel like I have to say yes, that no isn't an option. I wouldn't want to be seen to be stealing time they could be spending with their precious son. I know they like me and in their own way, they're trying to make me feel like a part of the family.. but I just feel like breaking something. I feel so frustrated. I feel trapped in this situation. I need a breather!What can I do?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 You may be surprised to learn that your boyfriend is just as irritated at his parents' intrusion as you are, but he doesn't know how to handle it any more than you do. Your complaints trap him between a rock and a hard place.
As long as you're angry, he doesn't have to be. You're expressing what he's already thinking. He just doesn't need to hear it twice.
So my advice is to try the opposite. Be seen to appreciate everything they do. It was very nice to see them, it was so thoughtful of them to do such and such. Let your boyfriend get annoyed and complain and when he does, don't join in. Eventually he's going to get irritated enough that he'll say something himself. He's blood and he's a man, so his parents will get over it sooner than if you'd said it.
Personally, I need a lot of space and my privacy is everything to me, so I know what I'm suggesting might seem far fetched, but I have used this approach myself in similar situations with success. You don't have to keep it up forever. It's just something to try for a few weeks, unless you're prepared to have a calm and honest discussion with them yourself.
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Greetings,I agree with 'Honeypie',You need to do something to get you out of the house.You also need to explain in a calming environment what you feel because if you hold these things in your'll find that they come out in unexpected and most of the time uncontrolled ways.If your partner can't accept your views then take some personal holiday time away to get your head clear
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (10 February 2014):
They sound overbearing and I feel for you. If hubby is of no help with them, try another member or friend of the family and see if they'll have a chat with your in laws. This whole situation is going to break you and you won't be able to enjoy your new home and future as planned. I'm not legally knowledgeable but my advice is to seek someone who is. Sure they've bought/paid for your home or helped out financially but surely that does not give them the right to intrude and impose on you? See if legally there is anyway you can have some claim to your new home. Maybe you and hubby can agree to a payment plan where you can slowly pay them back what they spent. Basically anything to make you less bound to them because of the house. That way you'll have every right to tell them to stay away if you don't want them around all the time. For your own peace of mind seek legal advice about the house. You don't even have to tell hubby as you're just making enquiries right now. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I second Honeypie when he says "I think you problem is your partner, not your in-laws. HE WANTS them to come and go. And he doesn't CARE how that makes YOU feel."Your partner is the one who has the real power to tell them to shove off for a bit without making things too uncomfortable for you. He should take your feelings into consideration, have a nice long talk with him.Different families are different ways. In some families, you don't show up unannounced, it's rude! But other families are very open and take offense to you taking offense! Since it's a family issue, your partner is the one who should handle the issue with his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): Thanks for the advice HoneyPie.
I re-pread my original post and meant to include that I don't feel particularly comfortable in their company. They're the overpowering type so for the past 12 years, I've maintained a good rapport with them by trying to keep some space too i.e. not seeing them all the time. They can say hurtful things (I put it down to tactlessness) and often I feel patronised, as if my choices and tastes aren't ok with them.. that my judgement is wrong. I can shrug it off in small doses but lately because we're seeing them EVERY day, it's gotten to be too much.
Thank you for your advice :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Get a job that takes you out of the house? Or a hobby? Take classes? Something to get you out of the house.
Personally, I would tell your partner that it would be nice if they called first, before showing up. But not all people are raised that way.
In my family, you could show up unannounced and it was no big deal BUT - my grandmother (paternal) would simply not answer her door if her soaps were on the TV (- seriously) and my maternal grandmother would prefer you called first so she could shop a little to make a great lunch/dinner JUST for you. She was of the generation that wanted her house to be spic and span for guests, and who liked to dress up for them too - so showing up out of the blue would "cramp her style". However, she was always graceful about it - again that was HER generation. I would go mow the lawn while she got herself ready and then I would take her out to eat - though most of the time I called ahead. I felt it was the most respectful thing to do.
With my parents you could show up, but catching them at home was unlikely if the weather was good or they had days off from work. So calling was the usual.
I think you problem is your partner, not your in-laws. HE WANTS them to come and go. And he doesn't CARE how that makes YOU feel.
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