A
female
age
36-40,
*ee123
writes:help im a 20yr old female, iv always been cheated on in my relationships, and now i have a boyfriend of 1yr and i jus cannot trust him! i never accuse him, i just have the thought in my head he's cheated. we see each other everyday but when he doesnt see me for one or two nights i cant help but think he's with another girl, even though i know he's at home watching tv! i cant even have a night out with my friends because i think he's going to go out and end up in bed with another girl! and i always drive everywhere and pick him up from the pub just to make sure he goes home alone. help, this is driving me insane and i need a night out with the girls stress free. what can i do?
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female
reader, flordia_charm  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 im not the only one....atlest i know im not crazy..im new to this site but maybe we can get though this and talk together if you like..just be stronge and we can help each other :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Oh honey I'm sorry. It sounds like what you are going through is awful. The cheating of your ex bf's has really made a mark on you and because of it now you are distrustful. I think this is very understandable because our first experiences with guys really shape our perception of what a relationship is going to be like. So if your first experiences were with cheaters then subconsciously, this is the type of behavior you expect of all men. It is just unfortunate. What jerks. I guess it was just bad luck.
I felt like you do a long time ago because of this bastard I dated who, I just don't even like talking about it. But he was one of my first bf's. And he sucks. Cheated on me. Cheating can make you feel so disrespected and really hurts your self esteem. It did to me. It's almost like a form of abuse, I think. It really puts you down. And makes you so distrustful of the world. He shattered every perception I had of everything I ever believed. It took me a long time to get over the impact. It's been ten years and I still can't think about it without feeling so hurt. But it never happened again. To this day I have NEVER been cheated on again. I'm going to tell you why.
What I did that made me get over the impact that this had on my life and my self image and my pessimistic view of men and to avoid being cheated on again was that I started surrounding myself with different type of people. I started becoming ALOT pickier of who I dated. I don't want to sound elitist or anything, but I think cheating is a behavior that is more common in certain types of people with certain backgrounds. So I just became pickier and started choosing to allow men in my life that I knew had really good social values and family values and good life going for them and that type of stuff. These guy's tended to be a bit more innocent and had alot more respect for family and for women. When you surround yourself among good people with good values, their personalities and beliefs are going to rub off on you. So if cheating is not the norm for them, you are going to soon enough forget your horrible past and instead adopt their views on life, which revolve around respect and good values. Soon enough you are going to believe that faithfulness is the norm.
Cheating is a learned behavior just as faithfulness is learned to. The choosier you are about guys from now on, you will see that cheating is not the norm. And that guys who are cheaters do have certain characterisitcs that faithful guys don't have. You can avoid them if you want to. I don't know what category your bf falls into. But I think it is important for you to know that there are good guys out there and it is up to us to be choosy enough find them and let them reshape our views on relationships, whether they know they are doing so or not.
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (18 September 2007):
 First off stop being so hard on yourself. You have a history of dealing with bad men! Its unfortunate, but it happens. I must commend you on being able to continue persuing relationships and taking the risk and also for keeping your thoughts to yourself rather than bringing them up constantly to your boyfriend.
With all that said you deserve a mental vacation. Your brain is on overload. Though it is understandable, you have to start letting go of the past. If your willing to put yourself in a relationship then you have to be willing to let the fear go. The worse thing in the world is to constantly over think and analyse. You can not be fully enjoying anything because your always on guard. Your not going out with your friends, your picking him up from the bars...its not fair to you! You need to start enjoying things. HE is living his life and you should live yours. By stressing it all the time the only thing its effecting is your life and your happiness. I dont think you want that.
If your NEW guy has not given you any signs of him roaming around then that should be enough. If you want tell him what happened in your past and explain that you trust him but you have fears about it.
If he is going to cheat no matter how hard you try to prevent it there are always loop holes. So dont stress something you cant control. If he cheats his loss! Your a strong girl as I can see by you moving on. You have to stop looking out for ways to prevent him from cheating and start having a fun, happy, stress free life.
~dee
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This can be very common especially if you have been cheated on before!first i wanted to say that whoever cheated on you in the past did it because of HIM and not because of you, therefore it is important for you to note that whatever hapened is not your fault and is not due to you, in the sense that its his issue, not that your not good enough or anything.
Second i wanted to say that ive been through periods like that with my man and i know how you feel. I have been with him 5years and im still paranoid at times!But i think it is very important to think positive and believe that maybe he is not guilty yet. I know its easier to not trust and then if anything goes bad you can say "i was right" but its definitely not worth it. Have you told him how you feel?If he knows im sure there are ways for him to reassure you, such as if hes on a night out ask him to text u a few times or sumthing, or maybe to call you once during the night, and tell him youll do the same on your part...i know its not the solution for everything but i do believe little things like this add up and you will be able to feel more secure. Has there been talks about a future between you two?if there has then this means more security in the relationship and less reason for you to worry. But i think the true solution is time and faith. You need to try and put faith in him such as letting him go out, such as picking him up because you want to and not to check up on him, and going out with the girls once in a while. While you do this giving him the benefit of the doubt, time will pass and you will feel that he is worth trusting and that you will feel more secure.If you believ in him being in your future then its worth giving it a try!
Good luck and go on that girls night out!
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