A
female
age
26-29,
*aronsgirl
writes:Well, me and my boyfriend are very serious. I know I'm in love. Well my boyfriend's dad and him always fight and sometime fist fight. When they do his dad usually hits first, this time my boyfriend hit first because his dad called me a "fatass". Then my boyfriend walked out the door and called and told me what happend. So then his friend came and picked him up and brought him to my house. Then the cops came just to talk to him and see what happened. Then my boyfriend had to go to his friends because he had to go to school. While this is happening his dad reported him as a runway because he thought he was at my house. So my boyfriend spent 8 days in a crisis center and now 6 months in a boys home. I don't like bad guys and my boyfriend really isn't that type I swear!But now I can never talk or see him? I miss him so much and I don't have a lot of friends, so I really have nothing to do. I keep crying and missing him. We have such a connection and I'm just falling apart without him. I lost a lot of weight and I've been very depressed. I don't know what to do, just please, help me!!! ):
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I'm afraid there is not a lot you can do sweety, you cant get your boyfriend back, you cant change his violent father...you simply have to accept the situation you are in.
He has come from a violent background so unfortunately this has rubbed off on your boyfriend, yes he was only defending you so I'm sure he is not a 'bad guy' but violence is never the answer. Because of your boyfriend's troubled childhood he has got a lot of problems and he needs help from professionals in order to stop him turning into his dad and following a rough path into adulthood.
You are too young to understand a lot of what is going on here, hence why the authorities have stepped in to help. I know you want him back, and I understand this must be awful for you, but it is the best thing for your boyfriend. Living with his dad is not the right environment for your boyfriend, living with a violent parent is no place for a child so the authorities have put him somewhere safe, away from the violence.
You need to start building your life without him, I know this isnt what you want but there is a chance you may never see him again - he may spend a few months in the boys home, then be fostered or adopted, so while you might see him again, there is also a chance that you will never see him again too. So you cant sit and mope around forever, yes it sucks that you are going through this but you have to learn to cope.
Try and make some new friends at school, or talk to old friends that you have lost contact with. Spend lots of time with your family, and talk to them about how you are feeling - your parents will want to help too. Get some new hobbies to keep you busy, and that will help you make new friends too. Make sure you are as busy as possible, watch movies, play games, read books, do all your schoolwork - the busier you are the less time you have to miss him and get upset.
And most of all, you have to eat, getting ill isnt going to help your boyfriend now is it? So eating is very important, even when you dont want to eat think about how upset your boyfriend would be if he knew that you were not eating and losing weight, he wouldnt want you to be ill becauase of him so make sure you are eating enough, for his sake. When you dont want to eat anything, just make some toast or eat some cereal, something simple but at least you are eating.
This situation will sort itself out eventually, but it is important for the authorities to help your boyfriend so he is in good hands. Try and keep positive, keep busy and talk to your family if you are struggling.
One final thing - have you rung the boys home to see if you can have a phone call with him from time to time, or if you could write him a letter? Perhaps there is a way to contact him, I'm sure if you spoke to someone at the boys home they could help you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I am sure this is not the advice you want, but honestly I can't find anything to say else than : forget about this boy , he has ,apparently, a lot of issues that you are too young and inexperienced to deal with, and even to evaluate with lucidity.
It may not be all his fault, and he may just be paying the consequences of having been raised in a violent environment, - but it's not your fault either, you are not his social worker or psychiatrist, and you are too young to be dealing with a fixer-upper guy ( which is never a good idea anyway ).
If you HAVE to be dating, which, at your age, is debatable, at least choose someone with less baggage and less emotional problems. You don't need, and should not want, to be sucked in in such a dysfunctional scenario- just because he has a cute face ( which normally is what " I love him " means at your age ).
I was impressed by the way you see this episode, as a big over reaction over nothing, and as if your bf had been somewhat justified in acting how he did.
He wasn't. THIS time he had not been attacked and he can't play the self defence card. His dad called you a fatass,.... and he attacks his dad ?! and this sounds normal to you ?... It's not- this is crazy and dysfunctional. This boy has big problems with anger and impulse control , and his triggers for violent behaviour are set at a very dangerously low level. By the same token, next time he could hit YOU if you happen to , say, call his brother or friend a "loser".
Let him be, and let's hope that in these 6 months he finds all the professional help he needs.
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