A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I NEED CLOSURE!!How do I go about gettin closure from a 'relationship' when the other person involved doesn't want anything to do with me and willpobably just laaugh at me???I came out of a 'friends with benfits' situation about 4 years ago and was heartbroken since I thought I was in love with that guy. I turned to -what was just a guy friend - at the time and he gave me moral support to get through my broken heart (he tooi had just had HIS heart broken so we had much in common!) anyway, in time, after many suggestions on HIS part for us two to get together - he began to grow on me and we started hanging out. He always knew how badly hurt I'd been and would get upset for me at the other guy for breaking my heart and say things like " how could he hae treated u like that, I would NEVER do that to you". He tell me stuff like, " you are a precious jewel to me and i will NEVER let u down so long as i live, I will never disrespect u!" etc etc..We became close and he knew all my insecurities, vunerabilities etc. He knew how gullible was too becvause he was aware of everything the other guy did to me!Anyway, we would hug and kiss(no tongues) whenever we met but no sex.Then one night we just went for it and had sex and from that day onward the guy completely changed!!i am so shocked and I havent been able to say anything to him about as when i brought it up once he just called me a baby!I have not seen this guy since the night we slept together. We Were speaking on the phone every now and then (his call) but now even THAT has stopped!!Its plain to see that he doesnt want to speak to me but hwat i really want is closure. I need him to tell me why he has cted like this and what it was that put him off me!I really NEED to have this closure but how do i it if the guy wont speak to me????? I have a feeling he has met someone but even if thts true what happened to our friendship?!!I need to know why ths ended and even why it started!He couldve picked anyone else for his 'masterplan' so why did he pick on me!! I have never ever done anything to hhurt this guy. I only told him I was hurt by him and that was it!!I am desperate for a closure on this, what do I do???I would particulary welcome advice from GUYS who may have been in a similar situation cos i am wondering why guys would be like thsi.I am not experienced with men and had led a pretty 'sheltered' life....
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86  +, writes (29 October 2009):
Hijacked Dignity (who is one of my favorite posters on this site) and Kate's Guy are dead on. They have pretty much covered all bases and there isn't really much that I can add to their responses.One thing that I feel I definitely should mention is that if you continue to fall for guys like this in the future, NO guy is going to want to be your girlfriend as he will feel as if you have been lacking in moral fiber, standards and common sense to have been so easily duped by unworthy, lowlifes such as these. Guys want a girl who has shown enough good judgement and self-restraint to not be so easily tricked by some player's flattery. I know that for you and some girls it may be hard to tell whether a guy is a player or not, but most men, and savvy women can spot these types a mile away. As bad as it is for you, it is also every nice guy's nightmare to think that their girl was once willingly had by someone who didn't respect them at all. It make them feel less inclined to be with you, because why should they buy a cow that has given her milk away to a undeserving men for free. If you want a man to respect you, you had best start respecting yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
You should be happy that you met this guy because you will NEVER fall for a player again!
Now you are wised up, and will only let a man have sex with you once he has asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend, has proven his worth and has courted you for a long time. So you know he loves you for who you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Dear OP.
I just read your last post about being celibate for life.
I know you are feeling pretty low now, but I see a woman who over dramatizes her life!!!!
I think you could stand to do some work on yourself my dear, especially before you attempt another "relationship" with a man. Please get some therapy, with a psychologist.
You can ask your medical doctor for a referral as a start.
You have to take some responsibility for your choices in partners, and I do believe that you can be taken over by a person with a personality disorder and not even realize it until it is too late and you are already vulnerable to being taken advantage of. This is really not your fault.
That said, it may not be the case with you. Perhaps you are setting yourself up to get used and abused and you need to at least examine this and what you can do to protect yourself better in the future and even learn some signs of how to recognize someone who is looking to use you.
Becoming a recluse is not the answer here. It may be for awhile that you need to remain on your own while you are in therapy doing the work. ....I strongly suggest you ask for some help though, it will be the best investment you ever made in yourself.
Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Ok, I am very sorry that you got hurt here and the guy is a complete prick, sorry... You made yourself vulnerable and trusted and he took advantage in the worst way.
That said, please hear what some of the aunts are saying here, I don't think you understand that we as women have a lot of power over guys if we respect ourselves enough to have some standards, some standards of behavior for them before they get to be that intimate with us.
If a guy hasn't asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend with no question to his intentions, then you are not in a relationship, you are in an imaginary relationship and if you give yourself sexually then you can be prepared to be left and hurt and feeling used...or you can choose not to invest emotionally yourself and have casual sex.
Sometimes even being a girlfriend is a trap because men like having a girlfriend that they can have all to themselves and of course they have feelings for you, but they may have no intention to making this a happily ever after, ride off into the sunset, let's get married and have kids type of situation, and you won't know until he actually steps up and claims you as the one he wants to marry...so it is always wise to own your own heart and be open to other men besides the guy who wants you for simply a girlfriend.
There is a new book out right now that is written by a man that I actually think has some great practical advice for women in their search for Mr. Right. It is "Act like a Lady, think Like a Man" Carvey is the author (he is an actor/comedian, but he is a man after all and he knows the Playa's and how they think)....check it out.
Don't fret about having closure with this guy. Closure is overrated....it isn't required to be able to get over someone and move on. Logic or knowledge doesn't make your bad feelings go away, it doesn't work like that. You just have to grieve a little and get on with life, that is the only answer that will make you feel better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much KATE'S GUY for your valuable advice!1
It will be hard for mein the future because by nature i am a very trusting person and find it hard to be anything else!! Because of this i am not allowing myself to ge involved with ANY guys and have resigned myself to the fact that i will be celibate for life!!
If idon't take this vow i am afriad i will be used and abused forever more!
Becuse u can never tell whatsomeone is really like and i will never ever be able to comfortably being with someone without fearing they will 'switch' on me the next day (it's what both guys have done), i have now become inscure in friendships even because girlfriends dont even seem sincere anymore!
This whole affair has wounded me so bad that i have become a bit of a recluse in recent months.. I have not been speaking to friends (because some let me down when I needed their support) and also because this guy became my only friend at one point! He was the only person i would really speak to and because my friends didnt know about the FWB thing (thy wud think i was an idiot for puttin up with it) he was who i confided in..its really messed me up this has and is so out of character for me too...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Hijacked dignity, Thanks so much for your answer.
I think yu misunderstood me tho cos i didnt say its waat i do. I O NOT go around having no-strings sex with guys, I was in a situation (beforehand with the other guy but that was the first time ever for me and i believed we were in a relationship!
As for this other guy, we were friends for FOUR years before we had that ONE sexual encounter. Do you not think our years of 'friendship' counts for something???? well, call me naive, but I would have thought it ought to..????
s far as I am concerned, NOTHING can justify the actions of this mans, NOTHING!
And although I do appreciate you takin the time out to answer these questions, your comments have actually made me feel a whole lot worse!!!! I am in bits and it isnt always that easy to 'move on' I'll have you know!!!
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female
reader, busy04 +, writes (18 August 2009):
 I'm sorry but I have to agree with hijacked on this one, and I know her post may be a hard pill to swallow :) but thers still truth within it.
There is already closure here, especially on his part! Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you deserve this but it's there & you have to get through this, believe me I know how you feel to a certain point. I believe that you've gained some strong feelings for this man & picked up a relationship that wasn't really there to begin with,gave yourself to him in hopes that he would actually keep his word about "never doing what they )your exes) did to you",and you're crushed because you let your guard down and he took advantage of you & the things you told him, and yeah he was wrong. But the fact is, sometimes in life we don't always get that "cap on" or that "big grand ending" that we're looking for. We just have to realize that yes I've been hurt & I don't know why but I do know that I can move forward from this, I can use this situation as a crutch and wallow in hurt & unhappiness or I can put the crutch down and start walking tall on my own. And that's just what you have to do! You can try calling him if you want but I don't think that it'll help you now. And I can't see what you actually are looking for here. Yes you talked to him and he was there for you when you need him, etc. But there wasn't a committed relationship, so in reality he doesn't really owe you anything, yeah he was wrong for pretending to be there for you and all those other things, but it happened & there is nothing for him to give you now. So there may never be "closure" for you & hard as it is, you just have to deal with that.
I think that you need to learn from this, and not be so quick to show your vulnerable side to the next person you mingle with. And not give yourself sexually to someone who you have not "ESTABLISHED" that stage of "relationship" with. Be sure of the person you decide to get with, make sure that respect you and honestly are there for you and won't take advantage of your weaknesses.
All the best to you! And I hope you can get over this one day:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Well, I'm not a guy - but perhaps one or two of them will respond to you.Sorry you have been hurt again and are so badly troubled by this man. You say that when you tried to bring up the subject after you and he had sex, he just called you a baby and wouldn't talk about it. That was pretty disrespectful and shabby treatment on his part. Seems to me that much as you may WANT closure, you are not going to get it.I don't see any point in pursuing him to ask why he will not now have anything further to do with you. You are likely to encounter more hurt and rejection. Don't go there.What you CAN do, however, is to recognize that this is a lost cause and begin to let it go and move on with your life. How do you do that? First, as I just said, by admitting to yourself that there IS no resolution and no kind of explanation forthcoming from him. Hard, yes, but its the reality. Next, get involved with friends and activities you really enjoy doing and being with. Don't let yourself dwell on him. You might try "permitting" yourself a half-hour a day to fret about it, and NO MORE. You could even set a timer, so that when it pings you turn your attention to something else.You have to think of ways to outwit yourself to help the healing process.If you can make even a tiny start at turning it loose, you will slowly begin to feel better.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (18 August 2009):
 You know why he picked you? Because he heard all about this story of how you messed around with this guy with no strings attached. You were perfectly willing to go and be 'friends with benefits' with one guy, so this other guy figured, why couldn't you do the same for him? It isn't the most flattering thing in the world, being known as the girl who will do anything even without a relationship. Once guys know that about you, they tend not to take you seriously. Which is fine if that's what the girl wants, but obviously that isn't what you want, seeing as you are upset. I figured you would have learned the first time, but maybe it takes you twice to make the same mistake. Guys just lose interest after they have sex with you. They don't have to put any more effort into the relationship that you two are forming to get the end result, so why continue to invest? He only acted as what's expected. What does that mean for you? It means that if you really don't want this to happen again, you stop having sex with men that aren't committed to you in the first place. That means you actually wait until messing around, or else the guy in question will never take you seriously. Closure has already been served, because there was no 'beginning' to you two in the first place. You talked, you screwed, he left. That's the end. Doesn't matter how good of 'friends' you were in the beginning. Learn from your mistakes and move on! There's no hope as far as this one is concerned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to say... it's been MONTHS since i seen him and when he called me every now and agin, he never once asked to see me! I just dont get it!! He isnt really speakin to me since i told him what effect the whole thing has had on me. It is almost as if I am not allowed to show my pain!!I have kept quiet all along because of dignity but by me keepin quiet i wrongfully gave him the impression I was cool with everything - which I wasnt!!This is all so out of character for him and i really dont knbow what i have done wrong!!I really need your answers guys, as many as you can please!!Thanks in advance!!
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