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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My last post here I got super judged on here and went into a depression. More then I already am. So please be kind. I m a 30 year old single mom of an amazing 4 year old. My child’s father and I were together (we never’ married) for 5 years and split. We were on and off for the whole 5 years. Since we have separated My child’s father (we will call him “Joe” ) I stopped living with him ( joe lives at his parents house) so we were living there with him these past five years on and off... I came back to my parents house because I don’t have child care and don’t have a job. Currently I’m looking into getting my son into a free school so that I can find a job or go to a trade school. Anyways living at my parents house is extremely toxic. They are middle eastern and have a different way of life. I don’t expect them To change but I don’t appreciate that they are mentally abusive towards me. We argue a lot and unfortunately sometimes in front of my child. I can’t control talking back and screaming back. I know it’s wrong and I don’t want my child to be in the middle of this. During an argument my father brings up my past my mistakes calls me horrible names calls me fat ugly bitch fuck your ass really disgusting words in his language to me and my mom sides with him even though he says “fuck your dead parents” to her and curses her and everything. I’ve been going through this my whole life and lately I can’t take it anymore because my father has been saying disgusting and demeaning things to me. The arguments are about random things. He playfully bit my kids ear and my child was crying in pain so I got upset and Said wtf who does that are you crazy and he said “f***you it was a joke I should kick you outta here like I would to a dog. “ I was so angered I said some horrible things to him like a dog is more loyal then u ... etc he also recently during an argument spit in my face...I have so much anger in my heart towards him and I don’t want me or my child in this situation I know if I work and save money I can get out so I don’t anyone on here to state the obvious I just need advice on how to deal with his abuse and words while I’m here... no my family won’t take therapy I’ve already suggested and no they don’t understand me setting boundaries I have tried and don’t judge my grammar and run on sentences because I’m in so much pain and just typed this quickly because I need all the answers and support I can get
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2020): Number one thing to do.....Get a job.If the job does not pay well get another...I once had three jobs at once you can too.Have the father of the child watch him when you work or have the father pay for daycare so you can work...It is his child too.Get the father to pay child support...your child deserves it.Number two..move out even if all you can rent is a little room...move out.You are a mom now it is time to stop playing poor me and grow up.If you cannot do these two easy things maybe custody of the child should go to someone else....someone grown who can actually be a grown-up instead of pretending like you are.Get your act together you have a kid.Time to grow up.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 February 2020):
 OP, you have an abusive father if those things are true and I’m truly sorry for that. I have an abusive father I have to live with for the one being too. It is very hard to cope with.
HOWEVER, you were not judged here. You were advised to accept that you have made mistakes and to do your best to be the daughter they want, not causing trouble or talking back and arguing, just long enough to find somewhere else to live with your child. It is not easy, but you are living there for free, so get your butt into gear and work hard at a job to get the money to move out as soon as possible.
It is awful living with an abusive person, but it’s not always easy to get out of and you HAVE to work at it - even if that means trying to pretend to be the daughter your parents want for a year or so until you can afford to move out.
Your son is the most important person here. He needs to be your motivation to ignore your father’s abuse and to do your absolute best to be the daughter your parents want, until you can move out. Also, you should seek therapy on your own to cope.
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A
male
reader, Gmelin8  +, writes (14 February 2020):
I suggest you try to become more like the daughter your father had hoped for. Go on a diet with your child. Engage in exercise activities with your child. Determine an occupation that you can learn to do. Spend more time teaching your child to love education and know more things than children his age.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): IF all you want is comfort and you don’t want to hear that you’ve made mistakes, but people actually want to help you with good advice that you don’t want to hear, then of course you’re going to feel attacked. But guess what. It’s time to wake up, be stronger, and listen to the good advice the aunts and uncles here have given you instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
From your parents point of view, they have an adult daughter who wasn’t responsible and mature enough to start a family without first finding a stable healthy financial situation to raise a child... then this not-very-mature-and-responsible daughter needs help because her relationship didn’t work out.... So to some extent it doesn’t matter what culture this is, this isn’t the best situation for your parents regardless of your culture. They raised and provided for you so that you could go out and be an adult in the world. You were supposed to be an adult and raise and provide for your own family/child, just like they did for you when you were a child. But you’ve come back with the expectation they must now help provide for not only the adult-you but also your child.
I agree with you, your parents should not be verbally abusive.. but they are STILL helping you. When you scream back at your parents, who is right and who is wrong? What are you teaching your child? By not learning to be responsible and instead screaming back at your parents, you are teaching your child something that could come back later to you and continue this cycle.
Inside you can accept that your parents aren’t dealing with things well, but accept their help with graciousness and work on becoming what you should have worked on from the beginning: being mature and responsible as an adult and now a mother. Take the higher road with your parents and don’t engage in their behavior. Be thankful they are helping you. Teach your child that yelling, screaming, and name calling is wrong, and that you will remove you child from that environment as soon as possible. Show your child love through words and actions and that your child is worthy of love, not hate even when mistakes are made. And work hard on being financially independent for your child.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): I am from the ME too. I think you have been given excellent advice to your both posts so far. Be grateful that you have such foregiving parents. I am not going to be judgemental so I just say that you should ask your bf to marry you even for one day so that your baby can legally have a father. If your bf's family are also originally MEn. then they should understand and both families should get together to get you both married so this stigma is lifted from your family and indeed from your son. First correct the mistake you have made then other issues can be solved. Many marriages fail in the MEn. societies just as in other societies and the daughter is obliged or forced to return to her parents house and is welcomed with her head high and nothing to be ashamed of. So I reiterate, legalize your marital status after that everything can be solved with your parents,especially with your father. He must be extremely hurt right now.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 February 2020):
 It's hard to advise someone who sees everything as criticism. You are obviously a very sensitive person if you think you were "super judged" on your last post. From what I can see, you were given sensible down-to-earth advice. Some may have been more blunt than others but there was nothing which warranted you going into a "depression", firstly because you ASKED for advice and secondly because these are just posts from a bunch of complete strangers.
Sadly you will probably see THIS response in the same way but, do you know what, that is YOUR choice. I cannot control how you will react and I refuse to worry about it because I know it is out of my control. You only have control over your own reactions, not over anyone else's actions. In YOUR case however, you appear not to have ANY control over your reactions. Posts from complete strangers send you into a tailspin of "depression". You cannot keep your mouth shut and walk away from your parents when they pick fights with their adult daughter who they have chosen to take back into their home with her child.
Ask yourself, what sort of example are you setting your child? Children are like sponges and soak up everything they see and hear. He is going to learn that the way to react to nastiness from others is to scream back instead of staying calm and walking away. Soon he will start to copy your behaviour, because that is all he has seen. Then you will have another problem on your plate.
Nobody can "fix" this for you, op. My parents were also immigrants and my mother could have a nasty mouth on her, a bit similar to your father. It was her way of trying to keep control of two children she was raising in a foreign country who were insisting on behaving like their peers. If I stayed out on a night out later than 10pm, I was called a whore and told to go and sell my body on street corners. Then I was given the silence treatment for days on end. While I was living under my parents' roof, I took the abuse and used to just remove myself from the situation as much as possible. I moved out as soon as I could because I couldn't put up with the abuse any longer and wanted to live what I saw as a "normal" life, i.e. not having to leave my friends at 9.30pm to get home for 10pm when THEIR night was just starting. My mother took it VERY badly when I moved out but that was HER choice and out of my control. I stuck to my guns and soon felt much better for having taken back control of my life.
You still seem to be at the same point regarding getting your child into school as you were in your original post a few weeks ago. You need to summon all your inner strength and direct it towards getting your son into school, getting yourself trained for a job and finding alternative accommodation for yourself and your son. At the moment you seem to be directing all your energy towards fighting with your parents and having "depressions" due to posts from complete strangers. You cannot spare your energy for silliness like that. You need to conserve it and direct it where it will do you and your son good. You need to learn to control your reactions otherwise you will be stuck in this situation long term. You only have so much mental energy. Learn to use it well instead of wasting it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): You don't want criticism, or to be judged. Please read your two posts; and observe the characterization you've made of the people giving you free shelter. I'd love to hear their side of the story.
The advise I gave before, I see no reason to change it, or apologize for it. Life is tough, but we press on. I responded according to the information given in the post.
You need to work on your own personality; so you can make friends for support, and draw people into your life that you can depend on. You need to stay-away from your baby's daddy. All you need from him is child-support payments. You need a plan and a job. Accept whatever you can find.
I'm very sorry for your misfortune, and sorry about the family you were born into. If you can be critical and judge the people who raised and sheltered you; you have to be able to take what you dish-out. If they read your post, how do you think they'd feel?
You may need to find a shelter for abused-women, get some free professional-counseling and assistance through social services; and you might see some daylight at the end of the tunnel.
I truly mean no-one any harm; but I speak with frankness, and advise you as I would as if you were my own daughter. I understand your parents are mean to you; and I also suspect that they probably warned you about your boyfriend. You made us believe they were strict religious-people. Now they're sick vicious-people.
There are always two-sides to every story. You've described old-school middle-eastern parents of a rebellious-daughter. I venture to speculate that you all clash, because you're all so much alike in many ways. I find it hard to completely believe people so evil would bother to take you in. You have to get out of there; and like I've mentioned, seek refuge in a homeless-shelter for women who suffer from abuse. They usually offer counseling, referrals for financial-assistance, and protective-services for single-mothers.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 February 2020):
 Sorry OP but I read your last post and I see nowhere that any aunt/uncle that responded to you was "super judgmental". You were given kind caring thoughtful answers.
How do you expect us to help you? If your parents are that abusive then get out of their home as fast as you can. Do you have any other family you can live with? Any friends? No money you can't just move out. You need a plan. Your parents are letting you live there for free. You need to try to stay away from your father and obviously don't argue with them.
I just don't know what you expect any of us to say.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2020):
 The previous question can be found here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-single-mother-unhappy-at-having-to.html
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