A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband almost 5 years, and been with him for almost 12 years.Up until 10 days ago, if anyone would have asked, I would have told them that I have a very happy marriage. But that all changed. My husband blows up on me over some silly stupid little fight, and didnt talk to me for over 6 days. 6 days of living in a house with a man who slams doors, throws things around and says not one word to me. It left me completly broken. I have never been shut out like that in my life. All of my questions went unanswered by him. All of my tears went unheard.Then on the 7th day, he tells me that he dosent know if he loves me enough to stay with me. That he dosent know if 12 years with someone is even worth trying to save with him being so unhappy. Now again, Im scratching my head and trying to pick my heart up from the floor, he has not once mentioned to me he was unhappy. Not once has he tried to talk to me. I have asked and pleaded with him to share things with me, to talk to me, to spend more time with me. I never gave up on him, have been there as much as I know how. I cook, clean, do laundry, pay the bills, listen when he needs or wants to talk, give him words of encouragment when he needs them, and have never told him what to do.(Ive asked him not to do things, but never demanded)Now my husband claims the reason he dosent want to stay with me, is because I dont work. Which again, blows my mind. I have asked him over 100 times about me working. And every single time, but one, he has answered that He likes to support us, he enjoys me staying home and taking care of him and the house, he has no problem with me not working. One time 2 months ago, he mentioned that things were getting harder fincally and that he thought I should start looking for work. Which I have, just not as much as I should have. But not many people want to hire a housewife with little experience in any work. I did not have a job when I met my husband, or when I married my husband. I would have done anything for this man. Unconditional love, I gave it to him. I have now kicked my job search into high gear, but not for him. For me. I never want to let a man make me feel this way again. If he cant love me or talk to me about our problems unless I read his mind and am the perfect wife all the time, I dont want his love. What do I do? Is this really the end of it? I dont give up easily. But he has been so angry and mean to me for so long now. No love or kindness whatsoever. I am truly broken by this. But if I do find someone to give me a chance with a job, and he acts like everything is perfect again, how do I fix that? I dont want to be bitter and angry, I do love him, but I dont trust him at all right now. How can someone walk away so easily? Give up so quickly? He told me the only way to fix our marriage was by me getting a job. And that he wanted to be happy again, but that he wants me to do it all. Yes, I swear to you he said that. He wants me to do it all. Is this him being a giant baby and wanting me to do the dirty work? Is this him thinking and hoping I will fail at getting a job so he can use that as an excuse to leave? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): yes I think your husband wants out of the marriage.
Too bad he's too much of a coward to come right out and say it, instead he's creating a situation to make you into the bad guy so he can feel justified in leaving you or to drive you crazy so you'll leave him and he can feel sanctimonious that it wasn't him who broke up the marriage.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 January 2011):
so you've been together for 12 years, married for 5 years, and up until 10 days ago everything was fine and normal. To you at least. Then suddenly 10 days ago he turned into this raging monster??it's this sudden extreme change that's very disturbing. Something is definitely up. It sounds like he or both of you have conflict avoidance issues, if you thought everything was fine all this while and didnt' suspect anything. Obviously things were far from fine, to him. But he never communicated that he just let it fester and grow in him until it reached the point where it has turned his mind against you. this is very unfair to you.If he won't talk about problems, then your only options are to accept things the way they are and just try to endure and cope, or leave him. He could be under a lot of financial stress and maybe because he has bad conflict-management skills (not willing to talk about obvious problems), he obviously had a problem with you not working but didn't or couldn't express it so maybe he just tried to squash his unhappiness in the marriage until the stress built up so much that he exploded. this is what happens when couples avoid conflict. Little problems build up behind the scenes unknown to the other spouse until the problem has reached catastropophic proportions in the unhappy spouses' mind, and comes out as an explosion that blindsides the unsuspecting partner.the problem is still that he is not handling this well or being cooperative in trying to fix the huge problems in your marriage.It could very well be that he wants out of the marriage. I mean, he already said so himself! it could be entirely his fault - because of not having the relationship skills to bring up his unhappiness years ago instead of letting them fester unknown to you until he wants out of the marriage and then springing that on you. This is blatantly unfair to you, but still the reality is that this is how he is. And if he won't or can't cooperate with you in trying to repair the relationship, then the only way out is to end the marriage. You could try couples counseling, because he may need serious help in communicating and dealing with conflict. These are skills that can be learned but can extremely be difficult for some people.But if he won't take any responsibility and insists that only you need to change, then ending the marriage could ultimately be better for you because who wants to be married to someone who hides their negative feelings from you which is essentially deceiving you, until it becomes so huge that they turn into this raging monster and completely blindside you and give you no chance because it's "too late" in their mind? that's very unfair to you. And even then, he has hurt you so badly that you probably feel "unsafe" around him now and won't be able to trust him.Go ahead and get the best job you can get, and see if it does indeed make him calm down and if you can regain feelings of love and trust for him. It will be good for you to be financially independent too, regardless. But don't stop there, take this as a red flag that if he could erupt over something like this, what else is he not disclosing to you about what's bothering him? he may well blow up at you again in the future over some other issue.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (26 January 2011):
Something is up. People don't turn on a dime without a reason. The abusive behavior leads me to believe he may be having an affair (emotional or physical). I say this because nobody does these sorts of things to their spouse unless there is some sort of serious issue. And 9 times out of 10, the serious issue is that one of the spouses has taken a liking to someone else and believes the grass is greener on the other side. Keep your ears and eyes wide open and take whatever steps you need to take to protect yourself financially and otherwise. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 January 2011):
 yes, financially he may be doing it tough now. On average wages most couples do need two wages. Fortunately you are still of an age where you should be able to get work easily. If you think you are unskilled (which you are not) then get some vocational guidance as no doubt there are many job options out there for you.
Just don't expect to walk into a top job, sometimes you have to work your way up slowly and surely. Or even do some re-training.
This nastiness of your husband seems sudden.
Could he be having an affair? And he
wants out. So he picked a fight? Picking a fight is classic guilty behavior when one partner hopes the innocent party will leave, so that the guilty party can say, 'look she left me, oh poor me'
Your husband's ostracism of you is a form of abuse.
Psychologically it can be one of the most devastating branches of domestic abuse.
From my perspective, after reading your post, at the very least this marroage needs marriage counselling.
Also very urgently you need to appraise yourself of the true financial position of you and your husband's financial affairs.
And finally, at the very worst, you may need to contact a very good divorce lawyer. I am very sad for you if it reaches that stage.
But do not put up with domestic abuse. For that will undermine your confidence in you far too much, and that is unhealthy for you.
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