A
female
age
41-50,
*ixxxy
writes:My husband who claims to love me a lot, has cheated on me and even after being togehther 4 years since them, there seems to be little regret and there are other aspects like his fuss over appearances and a selfish moody nature that make me feel like i am heading for an exit strategy. I have seen he can be very manipulative and use my emotions to suit him so i know that one of my biggest challenges will be that he will try and make me feel like a vamp and that i am inflicing this on him and my 2 kids to suit myself. This is not true as i can see that this is now begining to affect my daughter with him saying to her things like - specs dont suit you you dont need to wear them all the time...even if she is uncomfortable without them and she is begining to give in (as i do) and i think i need to act. I now take note of small details and write them down so i dont forget.I have not told him anything and just not sure how/when do you tell people coz he will make it really difficult for me i know. Are there any tips/ advice on exit strategies. things come to my mind like meeting other signel mums ( i dont know any) etc but not sure. I live far from family in a country where 4 of us barely know anyone else except office colleagues.
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female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (5 May 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy morning he was a changed man, says I just can not imagine my life without you, just want to be with you, will do whatever u say. I have told him my patents know about it so it's dawned on him that I am serious and not just threatening. He has been very good all day and I said Montgomery of this will affect me coz I just don't feel the love anymore and I know this is not how you normally are. He says he wants nothing from me but just wants to stay...I am being firm but cooperative but I have no faith anymore. It's an emotional roller coaster - shd I even believe any of this?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 so he says "i'll just move out" he expects you to beg him to leave
you're response should be "i think it's for the best"
and keep going..
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A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (5 May 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a shame but he got to know coz when he came home he asked why I've been so grumpy and dont respond to conversation like I did before. I said nothing - have told you I've been thinking so just need some time and he said tell me now if u love me or u don't. Said I need time and he said that means u don't and I just can't live with u acting this way so I'll move out. Don't think he will though he has tried this before and knows that I immediately change to please don't do anything abrupt and kids wll get affected..I have c
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): Yes, you do need to leave before you end up like me, and have to be legless just to live another day with him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 May 2012):
 After you have all your ducks in a row and you're ready to make the big announcement (and assuming you do it face to face). Arrange to have the kids spent the weekend with relatives.
Then arrange a safe call with a close friend or family member. The plan is they call you every 15 minutes/half hour/hour, depending on what you think the threat level is.
If they don't speak to you each and every time they call they must assume you're in danger and contact police at once (make sure they have your full address). So if they call and get no answer - they call police. If your husband answers and tells them you're in the washroom or that you've stepped out - they simply say 'Ok, the police are on their way.' They must NOT escalate the situation. They are not to confront him or engage him in conversation, but remain calm and mater of fact.
Your husband is less likely to pose a physical threat if he knows people are checking up on you and help close at hand (police help that is).
Also, whatever evidence you have of violence or infidelity, keep in the safe deposit box as well.
You're doing the right thing. Women of lesser means do this every day. It may be difficult in the beginning but it will work out. You and your children will be okay. Everything is going to be fine.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2012):
well if he ignores you
you ignore him
if he hits you call the police and have him arrested.
end of marriage. but talk to an attorney...
I'm sorry he won't leave and it's hard to get him to leave because that gives you grounds for divorce (at least in my state it does)
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 May 2012):
I think the first thing you should do is speak to an attorney. Knowing exactly what your rights and responsibilities are will help you form an exit strategy. Here, many will offer a free half hour consultation.
Whether they do there or not you can make the most of your time with them by having a list of questions handy. You can draft this list of questions and email it to yourself so your husband cannot find or access it.
Speak to your immediate family or close friends - only those you know will be supportive and discreet.
Next open a safe deposit box at your bank. In it you should keep your passport, birth/marriage certificates etc, family photos (ideally you'd have these scanned and backed up on disc), jewellery and any other small items you value.
Change any passwords you think he knows or can easily guess (email, online banking etc...)
You can also password protect Microsoft Word documents. You may also want to investigate Folder lock 7 (unless they have a newer version). This will protect your digital data from prying eyes and it's one of the few I know of that is portable (it will also protect data on a flash drive or CD/DVD).
If your children need passports to travel, then you might want to get those now while your husband is still around and hopefully co-operative enough to sign the application. Then again that might tip him off that you're up to something. This one is a judgment call. Go with your gut.
I hope that helps. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM HIM AND DIVORCE. Keep your children with you. If you don't take any action now it will affect the mental health of your children. Just vanish and don't come back. please do it soon. My dad is very abusive and manipulative it has affected my health my mom didn't take any action. Because of it I'm suffering from major depression. please MOVE AWAY from him.!
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A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (4 May 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks - i said this to him last year that its not working for me and i want out and he started being really immature - cooking his own food (not doing his own laundry!), moing about separately and really childish behaviour where we cant have any sensible discussions and he's hit me before (abt 12 years ago) so afraid he can be voilent if i bring it up again. I have 2 kids - a 4 year old son too and both must go with me. I wont leave either. I am jsut not able to decide if to break it to him or just vanish, drop kids with my parents and come abck to handle this...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2012):
yeah just tell him that it's not working out and you are concerned about the children being negatively affected and ask for "a trial separation" and ask him to move out..
consult an attorney about visitation for him and the kids..
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A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (4 May 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks, sorry i forgot to mention i work full time and i actually earn more than he does so funds are not an issue at all. Its the living inthe same city, with no family and friends that i cant figure out. My job needs me to be here and because i work and look after kids and he doesnt like to mingle with any other families, i have no friends at all. the only places i go are work, gym and office outings. The kids totally havent sensed anythign and niehter has he so i have time to work it before i act. I dont want the money, he can keep what he hes, i pay the mortage and the house is in my name so where will i go in the city? Can i ask him to leave the house? Should i wait until a time when i can move to another city e.g. look for a job elsewhere? THe thing i am afraid of is his drastic responses and i dont want the kids to be exposed to any of this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2012):
you are correct, while as adults we can choose to live with abusers or addicts we have a duty to protect our children....
are there women's shelters that you can contact for help and support and advice?
does he check your phone? if so can you call from work? if not can you get a cheap burn phone and hide it?
do you have access to funds... can you start putting some away without him knowing it?
make your plans
then when he's away say at work you take the kids and everything you can load in your car and you go...
the shelters can help you... here they work with abused women... mostly physical abuse but you and the children are clearly being abused mentally and emotionally and that's worse in my opinion.
you don't need single moms for support... you just need friends... married or single...
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