A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair w/a married man that lasted 2 years. He is my co-worker and was my husbands best friend, what makes it worse is that his wife was also my best friend. We were "soulmates" and very much in love. I got pregnant and asked him to leave his wife...he stayed. The relationship is over, the baby is my husbands but I am still in love w/this man. We barely talk now and never discuss the past of over a year ago. I need advice to get over him and focus on my family!
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Honey, any energy you think you're about to spend pining away for this man is wasted on a fool's hope. But I think you already know that.
If you choose to focus on your family then you need to work on your marriage. I don't see how you can succeed in that project unless you get rid of a few unhelpful emotions like guilt and regret. Both lead to feeling sorry for yourself which can paralyze you.
It might help to find another job if only to avoid the daily temptation of guilt and regret. You are clearly affected by the presence of this guy so how does seeing him every day at work help?
In a sense love can be like a psychological addiction and in most cases disciplined recovery can only occur when you are not physically near your object of addiction. It is a GOOD start that you two don't talk much. Now you need to cut ties completely and maximize physical separation. If you have truly chosen your marriage and family then you must take actions that convince others that there is no room for another man in your life. Good luck and take care.
A
male
reader, j321 +, writes (17 May 2011):
The heart is a fickle instrument of emotion, as long as you dwell upon him he will be the thorn between your marriage. Find some activity that will keep your mind busy. Your heart has a large hole that has ripped it open from infedellity, but it is now time to repair your marriage if you want to keep it. Forget about your fling with the other man, he will not leave his wife so you would always be the mistress.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (17 May 2011):
 This is going to require lots of time and lots of discipline. What helps is if you establish a tactic that will bring you back to earth if you start thinking of this man. Make a word or phrase that you can say allowed when your thoughts begin to overtake you.
This type of thing is a tool that diverts attention from consuming thoughts long enough for you to put your mind toward something else.
I had used a similar tactic to beat a nagging habit. When I felt opressed by my desires I said "I wonder if there are clouds outside." I got up went outside looked and sought something to occupy my time. Over time I developed some discpipline where I was not bombarding myself with unproductive thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Marisa01 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 You need to talk to him about your feelings otherwise these will follow you for the rest of your life,and you need to see if maybe it is just passion or excitment which drive you with him? maybe is passion missing in your relation?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I wish you the best of luck with this. You have an addiction to this guy. I can say this with some certainty, because I am going through a similar thing. It has taken me time to realize that you can be addicted to a person the same way you can alcohol or drugs. Face this like you would a drug dependency. If you need to, get professional help.
I am not sure if you still work with him, but if you do, try to change that. Try and do things with your husband that you weren’t before. Things like special trips, hobbies, just something new a different that the two of you can share. Focus on the shared experience, make new memories that only the two of you can share.
Having this weakness for another person can be a hard thing to live with. Don’t let it ruin your life.
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A
male
reader, Kokoro +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Well here this is simple, it really doen't matter if you still love him, you're maried, you have a child with your acctual husband, and you shoulden't have been cheating in the first place. It hurts you (because what if the baby wasn't you husbands) it hurts your husband, and if you keep doing things like this do you really think this is a good influence on your child? What happens when he/she grows up maybe they'll think that cheating is ok, maybe to him/her it'll be like (oh ok mommy has two men she likes that means it's ok to have two boy/girlfriends), theres a good reason do it so your child grows up right.
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