A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello there. Well I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up for three years and I am no longer in love with him. I’m guessing my question is how should I finish with him? I've been putting it off for months now, tryng to find the right time, but we've both had other family problems. I hate upsetting people and I know there’s no easy way of doing it but I just need some advice. Partly because the last time I broke up with someone was just horrific; he turned nasty and threatened to kill himself. He wouldn’t stop calling and kept coming to my house. To make things even harder I’m worried it’s going to be the same this time round. My boyfriend has began self harming again (both burning and cutting himself, his arms and legs are just a mess). I really don’t want to hurt him, he doesn’t deserve it, but I just don’t have the energy to stay in this relationship and we have completely grown apart, we see each other once a week, barely talk, don’t even kiss any more. He’s completely changed and gotten really weird. For example he was given a temporary job this week and didn’t even bother to tell me what it was (I still don’t know to this day!) he then quit after two days. Any advice on how to go about finishing with him would be highly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 YOU need to accept and understand that YOU can not control his actions.
YOU need to end it for you (and in a way for him) he needs HELP.
I would suggest after you break the news to him you cut all contact and let him know to RESPECT that.
If you really think he would self harm maybe you need to tell his parents so they can get him help.
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (7 August 2013):
 Next time you're with him say something like 'Look I've been thinking about us a lot recently and I feel that things are not really working out between us'. That way it gives him the opportunity to discuss it. You will then have to decide how to handle it after that depending on how the conversation goes. Even if you carry on seeing him at least you've 'sowed the seed' in his mind and he'll go away thinking about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): It is evident that you go for this type guy, and then don't know what to do with them.
You will get out of it when you can't stand it anymore. If he does things to himself, he'll do it anyway. It won't take breaking up with him to do crazy things.
Leave, and if he comes around; call the police. He'll be institutionalized if they think he'll do any harm to himself.
Get an yourself and education, a decent job, and stop getting involved with losers like that. If that's the kind of guys you like; you have a low self-esteem, and need to boost your self-confidence. That's so you will not settle for crazies who harm themselves.
You're a bright young lady, what are you doing around guys like this?
Guys like that are very easy to spot. So this behavior you're describing isn't something you recently discovered about these guys.
You have to work on yourself; so you will realize that you are young; with the potential to do just about anything.
If you hang around guys like that, you'll end up with a criminal record, strung-out on drugs, and infected with STD's. These types are sociopaths who need serious psycho-therapy, and you can't fix them. You'll only become just like them.
You just walk away and let him do whatever he plans to do to himself; before he does something to you. That's what you do.
You deserve so much better in life, sweetie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): You should make time and sit down with him and ask him how he feels in the relationship. You never know he might be feeling the same wanting to end it. If he still wants to be with you, you will have to tell him straight because you can't keep getting yourself down. Take him to the doctors as a friend to get help with his self harming. If its only cutting and bruising it can be easily dealt with although this kind if behavioris usually a cry for attention. Tell him you will still be there for him if you value his friendship but say you don't want to be in the relationship. Not because you want to be with someone else just because you don't feel the same and need to concentrate on your own problems. I hope this can help you its just what I would do.
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A
female
reader, newbern +, writes (7 August 2013):
God, I sympathise with you. I've been in your situation before, though I must say your case sounds more clearcut.
For example, you say that you've grown apart and that you barely talk. We never went through that stage, at least not as radical as you make out.
Pluck up your courage. Don't waste any more time, whether yours or his. Yes, he'll be hurt, but one day soon he'll thank you for that. Don't waste the best years of your life.
Remember: every day you wait, you make it more hurtful, more awkward and more complicated for both.
Be gentle with him, but FIRM. Remember, no ambiguity, no bactracking, no false hopes. If you do, you're just going to make a mess out of it.
Hope it helps, best of luck :-)
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