A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - could really do with advice regarding my boyfriend and his family. I have been married before and my ex-husbands family made our relationship very difficult. They were very snobby and looked down on me and often picked fault. i felt so unhappy and like I didn't belong and really wanted to be part of a family as well as my own, think i am quite traditional like that. My boyfriends parents are split up and have not spoken for many years (despite having their three sons now all over the age of 20 and living in the same town)and are bitter about each other. His mother lives with her own mother and her youngest son who is in his 30s and she has 8 cats which she keeps mainly indoors which really makes the house a mess. She often calls my boyfriend up as he is the most sensitive one who will listen to her complaints but i have grown tired of him almost replacing the fact she needs a new partner and to 'move on' from her own negativity. I have tried to be open minded about her house as I have a dog but i am put off by the lack of hygiene these cats create when i visit and don't know how much longer I can keep up being polite. My boyfriends Dad lives on his own and his house is an absolute mess we have tried to tidy it for him but he just lays about all day smoking and watching TV. He is also very loud and overpowering and sometimes lewd and I find him quite intimidating although I know my boyfriend gets on ok with both his parents his view is 'they are how not to end up'. I love my boyfriend but I find my values on family life ( my parents are together, devoted and kind) very different. I have got to the point in my relationship with him that i am thinking is this a very long term relationship or not and part of that could be having children ourselves or even marriage. I am sad to feel this but his family are a barrier to that idea, I hoped for good role models and people I can relate to at least the basics but its not happening and I am beginning to feel upset because of the circumstances. I do not want to be harsh but I guess I have always hoped I would find some kind of harmony in my future partners family life so that I could enjoy a wider family situation as this was missing from my life before. I have read about things that say that people from similar backgrounds work best in a relationship but I have also known different backgrounds to work. Some of the things that have made my boyfriends background very different to mine we have talked about and he is a kind and loving man. However there is a rougher / harder side to him which I have to make allowances for and at times these things have overstepped my sense of self and what I want to be involved with. I know absolutely that no situation is perfect but I am worried that I will find that these barriers get worse and I become more and more resentful. I know families can be a lot worse than this but any advice on this kind of subject from anyone who has experienced a similar situation would be really helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): Ignore that you have always wanted to find harmony in your future partner's family, this expectation may incommode you from viewing the situation more objectively. If you are bothered about his parents' lifestyles and the negativity they bring, you should discuss openly with your boyfriend to what point you will allow them, as a married couple, to interact with you and reconsider the frequence of your visits. Best have a clarifying talk now, not after having children or progressing with your relationship. He did agree with you as regards the fact they are not proper role models and this, with the fact they live in an unsanitary environment, tells you they are not good child carers. Leave room for hello. Many don't manage well when they are caviled at by the partner's relatives, this can take ampleness and speckle the relationship with unneeded conflicts. Thus don't be tempted to criticise his mother in her presence, let HIM play his intermediary part without making it seem that you set him against his folks.Different family backgrounds is not a problem when the person recognizes the dysfunctional elements in his family and breaks free from patterns he doesn't want to mirror: in his case, perhaps, negligeance, uncleanliness, alcohol. From what I understand, he is conscious of these minuses in his family but is not firm in seceding from this order to make time to create his own; for your peace of mind you should blueprint the harmonious family before actually achieving it, tell him this. You can choose together to be little affected by this and in control of your relationship and the taking of decisions.You also say that he is a kind and loving man but sometimes you have to tolerate a nastier side of him, what were you referring to? Also, do your parents qualify as good child carers and does you partner get on well with them? You can't isolate yourself from your acquaintances, there may be times when you resort to their help or experience, so be sure that you find other relatives or friends that you can socialise with and build up a good relationship with. All the best.
A
female
reader, Yuna~  +, writes (23 July 2008):
 My boyfriend's parents lived on a farm and I'm totally a city girl. They have 8 super-large size dogs and 15 cats that goes in and out of the house. Because of all the animals, the house is also messy and smelly. The good thing is they understand that and will tell me to keep my shoes on inside the house. We had a year where my boyfriend was staying with his parents so when I sleep over, I would bring my slippers, air freshener, bug spray, anything else that will make it better. But what else can I do? I was lucky that my boyfriend understands how I feel. Maybe you just need your boyfriend to understand where you're coming from too. You don't like being in a messy/gross house. However, it's his parents. If they're not getting along, there's nothing much you can do. You can't control the relationship your boyfriend has with his parents. The only thing you can control is yourself. If it's that bad, don't go visit with your boyfriend as often. I know it's hard and you care about your boyfriend. With me, it helped since my boyfriend moved out of his parent's. I don't mind once a month of visiting. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Delightful +, writes (23 July 2008):
Hi, I really feel for you as I can read the pain that this situation is causing you, infact two situations - your relationship and how it is going to progress and the family situation.I too longed for a family that would open up the wider family network once I got married however, it is not to be and causes me lots of pain too although not similar circumstances to you, it is the need to be part of a happy family unit I believe you are searching for? If you have a family, you need a support network and again, my husband's family are just not interested and not helpful. when you come from a family that is happy, communicate well, are loving and respectful, it is very difficult when you come up against people who did not fit into this mode.A good indicator for you to check out how your partner will be in the future is to see how he reacts to his Mum and how he treats her. If you find he gives her the same rougher/harder side which you are seeing, then generally, he will treat you the same way. If you are hoping that your partner will be softer and get nearer to your family values over time, then I'm afraid it is very unlikely - children act out their parents actions even as adults unless he has a strong desire to change, which has to come from him alone.Reading between the lines, I am getting the feeling you are questionining your relationship and all that comes with it and doubting if this is really what you want out of your life. Remember, you only get one life and to a great degree, you create your own happiness.I am feeling that you are perhaps thinking of cutting your loses and finding a suitable partner who is more gentle and akin to your own family mode and that has parents that will embrace you and enjoy your company. If this is really important to you, which I'm reading that it is, then I would say you know what you need to do as harsh as that sounds. There are lots of lovely in-laws who want to embrace their daughter in law and involve you so don't give up that you can achieve this - just make sure you meet the parents early on and see how inclusive you are made to feel. Believe me, there is nothing worse than being lonely when you have a large in-law family who live around the corner yet don't want to involve you - I understand your resentment, it won't get any better unless other people want to make the effort.....Good luck and keep us posted xx
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