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male
age
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anonymous
writes:I'm in my mid-forties and am feeling really down. My wife totally went off sex fifteen years ago when our children were born. She likes me to massage her feet or her arms, but that's it. She's quite honest with me about her dislike for sex, and at least that's something - previously she would engineer arguments between us to get out of having sex. Every now and again she agrees to have sex with me, but it's so obvious that she is doing it out of a sense of duty, and she's not really enjoying it. It's not as if she makes up for it in other ways, she's not kind or caring any more, just bad tempered and irritable. Only my childen really love me - my wife just needs me. I seem to be a necessary evil for her, someone to make money and massage her feet when they ache. I need a woman who wants me, not one who just needs me. Why does this happen to women?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSitting down and discussing things. Well, that's a problem. One thing I have noticed over the years is that my wife doesn't like to be alone with me. She always tries to make sure that if the children are at school, she's out, and she won't come back home without them or her mother or a friend. I may be reading too much into this, but it has stopped us having sex, because even at night she insists on leaving all the bedroom doors open. She says it's so she can hear the children if they get up, but it does put a real damper on the atmosphere if you have to constantly listen for a child's footsteps when you're making love. Another result of her keeping close to the children all the time is that we never have the opportunity to sit down and have a serious talk together. She's always running away from serious conversations, always holding the children between us like a shield.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure a change of medication would help. She was suffering from depression undiagnosed and unmedicated for about ten years, and during that whole time her libido was zero. The illness itself is a real passion killer, not just the treatment.
It's sad, but I can't guarantee that I won't give up on her: I read that 90% of divorces where one partner suffers from clinical depression end in divorce. Not a happy statistic, but wholly believable from my standpoint.
Counselling is the last throw of the dice, but I think it's worth a shot: so far all we have been saying for years now is "we can't go on like this - we have to do something", but then we did nothing. At least this will be something. If she doesn't agree at least to go to counselling, I really am going to call it a day.
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female
reader, citris  +, writes (27 June 2009):
 I wish you the best of luck! It's difficult loving someone who's no longer passionate towards you and never shows affection. Whatever medications she is on, she may need to talk to a doc and make sure they are really working. There's a chance that after having been on medication for some time it no longer works they way we are used to. It sounds like you are very interested in saving your marriage and you love your wife very much. She is lucky you are not giving up on her, make sure she knows that you aren't going to give up on her and that you are going to work on this WITH her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that she's been suffering from clinical depression and taking an impressive array of anti-depressants for years. Of course, I know this can have a devastating impact on libido, but it's strange how you forget these important details.Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. I've found the address of a local marriage guidance clinic, and when she gets back from holiday (yes, we take separate holidays - it's that bad), I'm going to ask her, no tell her, to go with me. I'm convinced that I can see the whole problem clearly and know the solutions, but that's probably just an illusion. I feel we really do need a dispassionate, third party to advise us.More than sex, the thing I really miss is kissing. Whenever I go to kiss her, she turns her face away, and that is so hurtful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): HI,
One word-Therapy. Go to therapy. If you cannot reignite the spark that I assume was once in your marriage, then there is something deeply wrong. That being said, don't have an affair until it is absolutely the beginning of the end of the marriage. If you are caught, you won't recover from it, and neither will your kids.
Its true that women have hormones, but they also worry about stupid things like how they look naked, or they worry about letting themselves really enjoy sex.
I am a woman and I have these issues too. Its difficult, but I believe in the power to change. If she sees how much this is bothering you, maybe she can and will change.
If you truly love her (which I suspect you do) you will find a way.
I wish you much luck.
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 While I agree with the advice from Citris it has been my experience that people in long term marriages tend to stay together as the years go on because it is..excuse the expression...cheaper to keep her(or him). As a currently single woman I have met a number of married guys in your situation. They are not getting what they want at home, do not want to cheat and cannot afford to break up their marriages without a drop in lifestyle. A drop in lifestyle is a real factor as you get older. Do you still love your wife? I again would agree with Citris that if she has lost interest in sex, it is not going to come back mysteriously. Perhaps what might help is a little romance...glass of wine on the table, weekend getaway. Perhaps she senses you are not that excited about her anymore. That being said you feel unwanted and undesired and that is just the recipe to drive you to another woman. Again I agree with Citrus. If you cannot afford to leave your marriage an affair might be what you are thinking of but I can guarantee that someone will be hurt. I rhink your choices are clear. You can end the marriage and look for someone else. Another relationship, paticularly a good one will not fall from the sky..you will have to be on your own for awhile. Perhaps when your wife realizes that you are unhappy to think about leaving, she may come around. This is a difficult situation. I hope it works out for you.
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female
reader, citris +, writes (22 June 2009):
For most women, we experience a huge hormonal shift in our lives that may in some cases go completely unnoticed. However in many cases it can cause mood swings, irritability, low libido or even complete loss of sex drive. For some women it can cause physical changes to the cervix or vaginal canal that actually will cause sex to become uncomfortable. Also many women can become depressed and not even know it, which can also have an affect on their sex drive and moods.
I don't know what the case is with your wife, however it would not be a bad idea for you both to sit down and discuss these issues. If you love her and are interested in saving your marriage and the love you once had, it would be a great idea to find out what else besides money and massages you could do to help her rekindle her lust for your relationship. If she has made it clear to you that she is not interested in these things, maybe you need to seek out advice on what you can do to move on. Does she want a separation? a divorce? What would make you both happy?
It sounds like you might be ready to give up on her and find someone new. Whatever you do I would advise you not to seek out an affair as that may make matters worse for you in the long run. If you do in fact need someone else to satisfy you and love you, then you need to be clear about this to your wife as she has been honest with your about her lack of sexual appetite.
best of luck to you and hopefully this will help you take a step forward in regaining that feeling of being loved by someone other than your children.
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