A
female
age
30-35,
*adeeeash
writes:I'm a female and have a strange issue in my relationship with my boyfriend. It appears that I am extremely jealous of him in the sex department. I'm becoming increasingly jealous and resentful, to the point where I cry about it all of the time.I have never orgasmed by myself or with anyone, and I become extremely depressed when we are fooling around. I never orgasm while he orgasms effortlessly. I feel as though I am missing out.Additionally, I have an issue with him cumming in my mouth. All my life I have been anxious and afraid of cum in my mouth. It's disgusting. I find it degrading. I tried it once- and accidentally spit it out. Then I cried. I have told him that I hate it, and he doesn't pressure me- but I know that he wants it. It's upsetting and I don't know why.I started having sex and I find it utterly disappointing. It was extremely painful the first few times. Now it doesn't hurt, but I really feel like I am missing out.I hate that women have to be the ones to suffer. We have to deal with periods, menopause, giving birth, worrying about our looks and sexual attractiveness constantly. Men can just go around and have pleasurable sex. Intercourse does not hurt for them. It seems like men have it so easy.I can't accept my place as a woman. I don't understand my problem and neither does he, and its causing me much distress. What is wrong with me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dc.ryan  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 "And no offense to the first poster, but it is a typical male response to your distaste for sex to counsel you to continue to have sex but talk more while doing it."
I got the impression she wanted to get more from her relationship and build on it; I reflected on what she had said and stressed that she should stop oral if she does not like it and to communicate. She needs to voice her feelings to her partner, not necessarily through continuing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I wish I could put your post up as an article about why sex at this young age is sooo disappointing to girls...and the sad fact of the matter that there is a lot of pressure on young girls to be sexually active way before they are mature enough to handle the emotions that come with it and too young to deal with the consequences of sex with a boy who is actually using them to experiment with sex!
You don't have to continue to have sexual activity of any kind if you don't want to. You sound resentful of being pushed into this before you were ready, even by your own doing.
I would suggest that you talk to someone about this who is objective listener and can help you sort your feelings out and to make better choices for yourself.
You can start with your school counselor or ask your family doctor to recommend a therapist for you. I am not trying to tell you that you are crazy but you are in obvious distress and have some emotional issues around this which is perfectly normal and almost text book when a girl forces herself to have sex before she is in love and before she is mature enough.
It will make you feel a lot better about yourself.
And no offense to the first poster, but it is a typical male response to your distaste for sex to counsel you to continue to have sex but talk more while doing it.....you are a kid trying to do some very grown up things. Your body is ready, but your mind and heart are not....the last thing I want to give you is sexual advice.
I care that you take care of your spirit that feels crushed by this, that is what needs to heal, not for the sex to get better...at least not right now.
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan +, writes (23 June 2009):
You and your partner need to communicate more, you can't keep this locked up inside as it is clearly something that is *really* troubling you and for obvious reasons! I'm going to try and break this down for you, from what you've said:
"I have never orgasmed by myself or with anyone, and I become extremely depressed when we are fooling around. I never orgasm while he orgasms effortlessly. I feel as though I am missing out."
Experimentation is the key, communicating with your partner - telling him what feels good, what is bad - control the bedroom to get your desired result. Often people say through masturbation helps you learn about yourself, what you do and don't like; there is a massive resource of information available on techniques and methods. Sit down with your partner and explain that you are simply not enjoying sex at its current state and that you really want to try something different; sit down together and talk about what you'd like to try (what are your fantasies etc).
You also have to ask yourself, are you physically attracted to your partner - it sounds like a blunt question, but it plays a major role in your ability to enjoy yourself. If you're doing it because you have to, and you're not horny or bothered at all - then something isn't right, or its being rushed.
"I never orgasm while he orgasms effortlessly."
General fact, probably 95% of men can orgasm without difficulty; it's something we do - and we're very good at, unfortunately it is just the way things go. Women, take a bit of work and its all about patience and learning what you like and what is pleasurable to you - what actually WORKS!
"Additionally, I have an issue with him cumming in my mouth. All my life I have been anxious and afraid of cum in my mouth. It's disgusting. I find it degrading. I tried it once- and accidentally spit it out. Then I cried. I have told him that I hate it, and he doesn't pressure me- but I know that he wants it. It's upsetting and I don't know why."
Your upset is perfectly understandable; its something you don't enjoy - simple. Once again; you need to tell your partner about this and stress how upset it makes you feel. Your partner wants the best for you and will hopefully understand.
"I started having sex and I find it utterly disappointing. It was extremely painful the first few times. Now it doesn't hurt, but I really feel like I am missing out."
It hurts for a lot of women the first couple of times, this is normal - and as you say, it is stopped hurting. It just isn't very pleasurable or exciting for you; but it'll get there with work from both you and your partner.
"I hate that women have to be the ones to suffer. We have to deal with periods, menopause, giving birth, worrying about our looks and sexual attractiveness constantly. Men can just go around and have pleasurable sex. Intercourse does not hurt for them. It seems like men have it so easy."
We do have it easy - you're absolutely right and I'm not going to argue with that, but by learning about what our partners want from our relationships; we can make those stresses just that bit more enjoyable.
"I can't accept my place as a woman. I don't understand my problem and neither does he, and its causing me much distress. What is wrong with me?"
You're a human being, no one is instantly magical at sex - it takes practice - lots and lots of practice.. communication is extremely important, as is trust and understanding. Sit down and talk to your partner about your worries, research into new techniques, experiment, make your own and begin learning what is good for *you*
Good luck and take care
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