A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy for about 5 weeks and one week ago we had a talk about where our relationship was going. He said he "cant commit" until college finishes up in one or so months because everything is so busy etc. and asked me what I would like to keep on doing until 'something happened' (as he phrased it - which i interpret as actually asking me out properly). I said I wasnt sure and he asked me if I wanted to keep just casually seeing each other, and I said sure.I dont need opinions on whether you think he is lying to me or not to keep me around. I have realised that I put the ball in his court and that was a mistake, as if he is getting the benefits of an exclusive relationship without having to be in one, why would he make a commitment. I need a way of telling him that I want exclusivity and a serious relationship without him feeling like he has to give up his life (freedom etc.) because I think that is what he is worried about. If i tell him this, he either can choose me or we end this. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 You're sleeping with him, that's what I got from this. Am I right?
No sex before you're in an official relationship. That's the by far easiest way to avoid all problems. If he's not ready to committ, then why should you, and why would you be having sex with him if he's interested in sleeping with others?
There is absolutely no need to wait until the end of the semester of college. Wait for what? Committment doesn't mean he needs to see you more often, spend more time on you, more effort, more dates etc. Committment simply means he won't be fooling around with anyone else....
And, with that in mind, why wouldn't he want to committ? Because of school you say? Nah. A man doesn't want to committ because he wants to fool around with other women. Not because he's temporarily busy.
If he's not okay with exclusivity (the only freedom he'll lose is the freedom to fool around with more than one woman), then he isn't boyfriend material and you should move on. Unless you don't mind being his thing on the side that is.
Just tell him you are okay with the status quo, you don't need to be officially in a relationship yet, but you do want exclusivity. No kissing others, no sleeping with others, no feeling others up. Just you and him, and you can call it whatever you want, be that "relationship" or "dating" or "seeing each other".
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 I agree 100% with YouWish.
In the future if you WANT a relationship with exclusivity, don't have sex til you both can agree on it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2012):
 "I dont need opinions on whether you think he is lying to me or not to keep me around."
"I need a way of telling him that I want exclusivity and a serious relationship without him feeling like he has to give up his life (freedom etc.)"
OP, whenever I start seeing things in posts that look like the comments you're making in yours, it shows me something very clear:
This guy has *already* said no to your exclusivity desire and request. You already know this. You're in a Friends with Benefits situation here, and there is no "next step" into a proper relationship. You are having sex with him in hopes that his "carrot" of "something happened" gives you what you want.
In reality, he's leading you on, and you already know this. You told him you want exclusivity. He has declined. What else is there to say? To keep pushing, pressuring, pleading, hinting, pining, guilting, manipulating, playing games, hanging around, increasing sexual favors, playing hard to get, dancing around the truth, and outright giving ultimatums will only serve to humiliate you in his eyes and your own.
You need to leave him and find a guy who is into you and doesn't use college or work as an excuse or smokescreen. While some people think that one month is too soon to become exclusive, other people, myself included, believe that once sex is in play, exclusivity is a valid conversation to have.
Time to act on what you already know: That this isn't a relationship that will ever happen.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (28 September 2012):
No need to beat around the bush, this can be quickly sorted. You just explain the terms of any relationship you would like to have with him. If he wavers or struggles with that then let him go. Don't let him keep having his cake and eating it in the meantime. You know it will hurt you that way.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 September 2012):
 The key to your submittal is this: "...I need a way of telling him that I want exclusivity and a serious relationship without him feeling like he has to give up his life (freedom etc.) because I think that is what he is worried about."
You cannot have all parts of that sentence be true. IF you ask for exclusivity, then you MUST BE asking that he cede some of his "freedom".... since you don't expect him to be off with other women, once the deal is signed...
What you CAN focus on is your misunderstanding that ".. he has to give up his life.." and I think that's the worst of your issue. You see, we guys are a cagey lot.... and for him to say something like, ".... if we are exclusive, then I will be giving up my LIFE....." What that REALLY means is: "..if we are exclusive, then I will be giving up my FREEEDOM....".... and that means "freedom to go out (and have s*x with) other girls...."
IF you want to have any chance of having that "real relationship" that you crave, then you can accomplish that ONLY if (key word: "if") he understands that he MUST give up some of his current freedoms (esp. the one for having s*x with other girls!)... and that he NEEDN'T "give up his life..."
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 September 2012):
 Are you guys having sex?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 Ah but he WOULD have to give up his life as he knows it and like it now ( freedom etc. ) .
Until you two are casual, he can meet, court, go out with and eventually shag other girls without doing anything technically improper and without having to feel like the bad guy toward you . Obviously he could not do that if you were serious and committed , and if that is not a loss of freedom, I can't think what's one.
If you want to ask him again for committment ( but did he not just say no ?... ) there 's no harm in trying , and you have any right to ask for what you want. But I would not play the " freedom " card, because actually being exclusive IS a limitation of freedom. At least in terms of sexual and romantic choices. Of course if two people are madly in love / or at least serious about giving an honest try and making it work, it's a limitation that they won't mind or resent or worry about.. But they've got to be both on the same wavelength about the r/ ship.
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