A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, i recently came out of my first relationship. My girlfriend didnt want any intimacy at all, no hus or kisses, and as im nice and all i thought i wont pressure her at all, and she'd eventually get over her problem. I didnt want sex at all though so she thought i seemed like a nice enough guy. eventually though after a year she still hadnt touched me and i begin feeling really lonely and depressed. Plus she had never been abused before or scared, she just told me she couldnt be bothered. Everytime i tried to talk about it with her shed say if i didnt like what she was doing i should go away. So, eventually after a year and a quarter i did just that, and she got the biggest shock. Her family, who still likes me, actually thanked me for doing so because it taught her a lesson she apparently deserved.Now this situation has left me feeling frustrated emotionally, mentally, and for the first time ever, sexually. That's my first question. Why should i be frustrated sexually?Secondly another girl ive known for a while, a couple or so years, and like has recently asked to give me a blowjob or even sex because of my supposed sex appeal, lol, which i know was...i guess a little surprising. Now, because of my lack on intimacy, i really want intimacy bad, but should i do something like this? I feel like I need a kind of release after all my problems and just wonder if this would be the way to go? The answer i guess could be related to the first question.
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male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (9 February 2009):
First of all, you're doing a great job (even if it may not feel like it). Your teenage years can be like a horror movie for emotions sometimes, and you're keeping your head. Kudos.As for the second girl, I honestly don't think there is a simple right answer. On the one hand, if she wants to and you want to, there's nothing necessarily or inherently wrong with it. I caution to avoid intercourse with someone you wouldn't be willing to share the rest of your life with, because there is always that chance (check out the question here about the lady who got pregnant while using 2 types of birth control). Oral sex is somewhat safer, but there's always some risks.The other risk that jumps out at me is emotional harm. It sounds like this potential sexual encounter is non-romantic; that is, neither of you has a pretense of being in love with one another. So the emotional risk here is that one of you develops feelings for the other, and then gets hurt if the feelings are not reciprocated. For guys, being sexually intimate with a woman can lead to unexpected feelings. I think every guy remembers his first encounters - she's taking a special slot in your memory.And also, she may have feelings for you, acknowledged or not. I had a college friend who I started fooling around with under similar circumstances. It was just (a lot of) fun, until it wasn't. I realized she had (or had developed) feelings for me, and suddenly I felt like I was using her for sex. And I had to either keep using her (and feel bad), or break up (and feel bad).All that is to say that sex always has risks and consequences. As long as you aren't hurting people, or taking risks with others' lives and futures (see: avoid intercourse, use condoms, birth control pills), it's your choice what you decide to risk. Either choice can be right, they just lead to different You's.[One other thought. Two reasons to wait for love, for your consideration. First, sex with someone you don't love, especially when you are inexperienced, is often about you, specifically, about your performance. When it is about you, you are nervous, and it's not very good. I mean, it's probably good. But not very. Of course, first times can be like that even with someone you love. But you tend to care more about them, which is what good sex is anyway, so you end up being somewhat better at it. Second: sexual intimacy tends to progress unless a couple breaks up. It is very easy to start having intercourse. Once you are having intercourse with someone, legally you are committing yourself to potentially being involved with them for 18+ years, in case they get pregnant.A friend offering a one-time blowjob to give you experience doesn't really involve these two things, so I'm more on the fence. But thought I should mention them for later.]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Ok firstly it takes a good man to wait that long without pressuring her-dont ever lose that. She could have been abused and just not told her familiy and if she was then you can understand why she did not want intimacy because its not about you its about men in general what ever the reason i think you should move on she obviously has problems. About the second girl i would say you waited that long because you dont wont just sex you want it to be with somebody that means something to you and there is nothing wrong with that because then the sex is so much better BUT you are a teenage guy so you will probably will have sex with her whilst she is offering, just be safe and use protection.
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