A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, i've been seeing this girl on and off for about 2 months now. I haven't gotten any clear signals that she wants to date, although she can get frisky when we're out drinking. Last weekend we went out and ended up hooking up and I stayed over at her place that night. Everything seemed normal until when I brought the situation up in a online conversation here is what she said and I for the life of me can't interpret this clearly as i'm at a point where i don't know if i should shut it down or keep pursuing. The transcript below (edited to protect identity).her: look... ok i have tto say something becuz you started it and there probably isnt going to be a better time to bring it up.... but ive been told a few different things and i just want to know from you what the deal is, do you like me? did you and you were concerned cuz now you changed your mind? whats up? and seriously just be honest becuz its fine, i just would like to know me: well i guess theres no better time to say ither: sorry.me: i do like you and i was concerned b/c of that her: okwhy were you concerned?i'm the one that should be concerned lolme: welli was in a similar situation last winter didnt work out b/c of ither: i seeme: soyeafor a communication major i can be quite bad at it somtimesher: well. its fine. we're both grown.haha yeah i have the tendency to suck it up as wellno worriesbut ok... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (26 September 2009):
 I think she may be my twin! You could be just what she needs to overcome some of that self conscious problem she has. I would say she probably also thinks that guys like you do NOT exist in the world. She definitely is interested in being more than just friends, so stick with your plan to "keep at it." The self conscious thing is what's causing the most problems, and, yes, it does make girls act quite absurd. We can't help it. Make her feel good about herself, especially if you know what it is that she's self consious about (a particular trait or whatever). Don't go overboard with it, though, as she will tend not to believe it, and it will backfire.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, she's 23 (a year younger than me) and i'd say independent, strong and independent minded describe her quite well. However, i've come to learn that she's extremely self conscious, sometimes to the point of absurdity.
so at this point i dont know. Her intelligence and independent mindedness are what drew me to her in the first place.
but you do bring up a valid point. rhis whole situation certainly has been a headache for me and continues to be one, but the fact of the matter girls like her do NOT exist in the world so im gonna have to keep at it
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (25 September 2009):
We girls like attention and tend to get a bit upset when we don't get it, like when you weren't responding to her messages right away. I still think she's just trying to protect herself from getting hurt. The whole thing about her talking a lot about herself and her plans sounds to me like she wants you to think she's got a lot going on besides you. That doesn't mean she actually does or that she doesn't want her time to filled up with you; it's just a technique to make you think she's got a great life without you, yet another failed defense mechanism.How old is this girl, and is she a pretty independent and strong? Are you sure you want this person to be your girlfriend if she's this much trouble for you already? I'm just saying. A lot of what you say about her indicate that she's quite independent-minded.Believe me, she would not have asked you about someone referring to her as your girlfriend or flat out ask you if you liked her if she didn't like you back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongotcha...
i still dunno. we keep talking back and forth via the net. Today she got a little upset b/c i was busy and not responding to messages right away, but then when i actually got into the conversation all she seemed to want to talk about was herself and what she was doing the next few days. I mentioned going out to a happy hour tomorrow and she seemed more concerned about who was going to be there than anything else.
i feel i need to act soon, should i simply confront about where we stand or not. I don't want to give out an ultimatum but the simple fact is that if the relationship has no potential to go anywhere i dont want to be involved anymore.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (23 September 2009):
You should keep pursuing. She's been tyring to figure you out, too. Those questions she asked in the online conversation you posted have been on her mind. Girls usually like to know straight up if they are liked by people they like and generally don't do well at just "going with the flow" and not knowing things for sure. If she weren't interested then she wouldn't be thinking about it and certainly would not have asked. Her lack of clear signals is probably her attempt at protecting herself from getting hurt, a technique that rarely works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thanks. that helps a bit. There is a bit more to the story tho.
First off, we hung out later that weekend all day (a walk in the zoo, out for dinner, no alcohol) and all went well, or so I thought. She complained about me being "awkward" (i thought i was just being myself, i dunno).
Also, she mentioned that the night I slept over another one of my friends referred to her as "my girlfriend." She asked my about this, also in a neutral manner, which I denied as it was the truth. I never referred to her as my girlfriend to anybody.
Basically, my biggest fear is that she wants to be "just friends" which at this stage in my life is totally pointless. We've already scheduled some potential dates for the future, but If she doesn't view me as a potential boyfriend then I see no reason to keep this up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): haha, I meant to say, I am indeed "female", not human
sorry about that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Well, I am indeed human and if I were the girl in question, I would have specifically worded the online conversation as neutrally as possible (as she did) to gauge what you were thinking. Obviously that makes it a bit tough for you, but I think if she were really NOT into you, she would not ask, not bring it up, possibly not even talk to you. So now it's up to you - and if you really like her, why don't you just ask her out? Say, "Look, I'm sorry about the awkward conversation the other night, but do you wanna go out sometime?"and make it clear it's not in a hook-up/party context. And if she says yes, there you go. If not, move on. We women can be complicated but we're not that complicated. And I feel like she paved the way somewhat for you to take initiative here and go for it.
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