A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out my wife was having an affair from her emails, trouble is the numerous emails (i read them all) were so graphic about what they would be doing and what they did do together and how great it was that I was left totally devastated, hurt, worthless, lacking and really felt like giving up on life full stop. Why? Because I love and adore my wife as I have no other in my life before, I trusted her and felt completely betrayed. We have got back together after lots of time talking it through. and really are working well. She says he is no more and we have found what we lost after talking it through about why and what caused it. Trouble is that I keep on re-living those moments that she was with him, no matter how much I try and stop it those thoughts still come into my head with all the detail (and there was very graphic detail in the e mail) - I beg and pray the thoughts wouldn't come back but they do. When we are together intimately, often I think about her with him (i don't want to but it just comes into my head). it hurts so, so, so much. I can't even describe the degree of pain it leaves me with in my heart. We have found our love again and I truly believe we both love each other without doubt. How can I ever get rid of these thoughts as they are driving me crazy and are stopping me fully enjoy loving my wife once again. I still don't feel able to trust her and feel uncomfortable when she goes away on business trips as they were how she managed to see him in the first place.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): i amy be the bearer of bad news with my comments - these images will NEVER go away. the graphic description will always be in your minds eye. regarding the trust issue. do you have irrefuatble proof that her affair is over. she met him during her business trips. she conitnues to go away on these trips. you must be going insane wondering what she is getting up to. don't just take her word for it. you need concrete proof that it is over. is he also present during the business trips. if so, the likelihood that she is not still sleeping with him is very very slim. she lied to you before, what is stopping her from doing the same again. mere talking about her affair, and mere accepting that her affair is over, is just no good. you need evidence that hse has no contact with her former lover. how long was she with him. how intense was her feelings for him. was it just sex or was she planning on leaving you for him. these are painful questions to ask - but if you are going to survive your wifes infidelity you need to get to the bottom of her affair. the visual; images will drive you insane if you do not seek urgent counselling. you say that you two just talked aabout her affair. mere talking is not enough. from now on , you will never be able to trust her but you have decided that you want to make your marriage work. what has she done to re assure you that she has changed. what has she done to re commit to you and your marriage. does she know how you feel. you need to tell her what is eating at you. or else it will fester and soon it will consume you until you loses what you have been fighting for. your wife has dealt you the ultimate betrayal. you need to investigate whether it is truly over and whether you can trust her words and her actions again. when adulteres get caught they just don't stop right away. you cannot pray away your thoughts. you need to work through them with a professional and with the help of your wife.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
This will take some time to heal. Maybe even years. Keep focusing on your wife's good points and focus on the fact you really love her. You spoke together and identified the problems, so that's a really good sign. And she's stayed, whic is even better. Maybe when you're feeling low, just talk to your wife, about anything. Tell her you love her and that she means a lot. That way, you're not focusing on what happened in the past. Lots of luck my friend.
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A
female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (23 September 2009):
i have to agree... this process is one that is very long and with time may heal. But i can tell you one thing sweetie, these images will never leave your head, yehh they may fade over time and yehh they may eventually stop cropping up every day but they will never leave you forever.
the day she comes home late from work, they day she goes out with her friends, the day that she sees an ex/ male friend, the flashes will come back and you will again place doubt on your relationship.
though it is possible to move on and it seems you are doing so slowly, but trust me these images willl never go away completely. gaining that blind trust back is one that is not easy and i believe no matter how hard you try you will always double cross everything she says and re-think about whether she is telling you the truth. and its that doubt that will destroy you.
but dont lose faith like i said over time these images will fade and wont be as vivid as you see them now.
GOOD LUCK... i hope it turns out the way you want it too :)
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 If you decide that you are going to stay with your wife and you are both actively working on saving your marriage, you are going to have to be patient... these thoughts will keep popping into your head years after the fact....
It is now 3 years since I found out about my husband's affair and I have been to extensive counselling sessions and am now ready to move on with my life... I still have these moments when it all comes rushing back to me.. I will never be able to trust him again so I see that there is no other solution for me other than divorce....
Counselling has helped me become stronger and helped me to cope, but nothing brings back that trust that has been destroyed.
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, bouncer  +, writes (23 September 2009):
I feel your pain my friend and i know how bad it hurts. Every second of the day the exact same thoughts are going through my head. When someone that we love and adore can cause us so much pain it just breaks your heart. In my case i had to end my marrage because i realized the woman i was married to for twenty two years was not the person i thaught she was. Once that special trust that a loving couple have for each orther is gone what have you left? Life is to short to have to live with a soulmate that you love much more than they love you. I think all cheaters have one thing in common its all me me me with them. Believe me the thaughts you have of your wife having sex with this orther man will not leave your head it will just continue to drive you crazy. The only way you can free yourself from these thaughts is to leave your wife. I also believe in the saying once a cheater always a cheater.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): You're describing what everyone in your situation goes through. It's perfectly natural. She is going to have to work hard for a long time to help you through this. It will feel less raw and immediate with time and with her doing everything she can to retain the new trust you've put in her.
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