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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I live in Spain with my second husband and all my ties are here. My husand turns very nasty when he has had a drink. He dos´nt hit me but he says very horrible things about me and my two daughters. I am now getting to a point I am so fed up of it. I don´t know what to do. Go back to England but then I have no where to live, no job and no money. And if I stop in Spain i would lose my Job because my husband and I work together. And they would keep him and get rid of me. Because I only work in the office.
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female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Hi hunny,
I feel for you I really do, it must be so horrible feeling isolated like that. You should talk to your husband and tell him how his drinking is affecting you. If he loves you he will try and stop.
Some people cannot handle their alcohol and say nasty hurtful things to the people they love when they are drunk but honestly they dont mean it. I know this because I am the same. I am the nicest person sober but when I have a drink I say the most nasty things to my partner that I really dont mean. I tell him I hate him and horrible things like that, but really I love him more than anything.
He told me that he could not handle my drinking so I am trying my hardest for him not to get drunk because he is so precious to me.
If he does not stop, why not work for a while and save some money to put a deposit down on a flat in England, jobs are easy to come across over here. Honestly dont stick around if you cant handle it. Think of your two daughters! Life is short and you should enjoy it. Dont spend it with someone that treats you like that. Enjoy your life and be happy with your daughters.
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Hi Anon,
First of all start saving as much money as you can right now.
Okay - now about your husband's drinking problem. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Like I mean a serious conversation while he's sober? Does he realize that he has a problem? Have you suggested counseling for the both of you? Your two daughters might want to be included at some point, too. I would see what the counselor has to say about it first, though. It seems like the both of you have some issues that you probably need to work on with each other first. Does your husband realize how serious this problem has become? Maybe he doesn't realize just how bad he gets when he's drunk. Does he say that he doesn't remember doing/saying any of the things he does once he's had a drink? Maybe if you record him and play it back for him while he'sober, he'll realize just how insensitive, etc he's acting.
So if none of that works, you'll have already started saving your money, so...
-Perhaps you can see what jobs are available in the area you wish to move to in England online. You could apply for those jobs and maybe see if something pans out for you. Sometimes they'll do phone interviews with people who are not yet in the area. Maybe a company you'd be working for would do that.
-Is there anyone you could stay with until you get back on your feet if you were to move back to England? Family or friends? If you don't find a job, perhaps you could look online to see if there are any apartments available to rent in your price range with the money you've been saving, or see if anyone needs a roommate (might be tricky with two kids, but it's not impossible, you know). Until you find the job you're looking for, you could always work a retail position until something pops up. At least that would give you some sort of income.
- If you can't get out of Spain right away b/c of any reason, is there anyone that you are friends with there who you could live with for a while? This way you could be out of the house but still earn money to leave. If you are fired, then you would still have a place to live while you find another job, as you would do if staying with someone in England.
- Have you done any research for hotlines geared towards women in your situation? Many times there are places that will help women in abusive relationships form plans to leave their husbands when they have nowhere to go and no money to do so.
- I found this website, "How to Help an Alcoholic" that might be of interest to you: http://www.aamolly.org.uk/drinkers.html
- Here is another website that addressed "If an alcoholic is unwilling to get help, what can you do about it?": http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/General-English/FAQs12.htm
I hope this helps! Take care.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (20 December 2006):
 As I understand what you're saying, Your husband is being verbally abusive towards you and your children. For reasons you listed you're not protecting yourself or your daughters from this abuse.
Facts of abuse, it only gets worse. It is only a matter of time until he hits you or your daughters.
I would suggest you get help. The Law for Comprehensive Protection Against Domestic Violence, which went into effect in January 2005 in Spain provides social assistance to abused women. Spain's law does everything from appointing special prosecutors to providing victims with financial support. You can now denounce your abuser and get a restraining order in Spain, and the man has to leave the house.
The law is new, the help is new, the enforcement is new. I am sure it still has a lot of kinks to work out.
England has http://www.womensaid.org.uk and other agnecies to help. England has more established laws, and resources to help and protect you and your daughters.
It is true that an abuser can get better is if he gets help for himself, and 99% of the time he won't complete the help with you there.
Be the great mom you are and start protecting your daughters and yourself. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
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A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Hello 2nd timer, Thank you first of for asking this question, most would have walked. In your case and my opinion I have noted that drunks wind up alone, and they heal or depending on wether their done drinking, my father was an abusive drunk, he wound up all alone and quit cold turkey, Ill wager if you scoop up your daughters and have a night out and leave him to be in his misery (everytime he gets this way) he'll choose you and them. The problem is now he says whatever and your standing through it all. you dont have to, get yourself and your children out of that harmfull situation, all guys get upset, it SHOULD pass. but sometimes a guy finds he gets the attention he is looking for by guzzling a pint and jerking out on his misses. Stand strong and remember that no one not even your husband deserves to talk to you that way, hes probably not even aware of the effects it has on you. Good luck, I'm praying for you.
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