A
female
age
36-40,
*allenarrow
writes:My bf and i met online. We have a few mutual RL friends. He lived 8 hours away. We met up about april of 2011. He was going through a divorce and so was i. But we got along really well and were really miserable apart from eachother. I ended up moving to be with him. His job would not be transportable to my hometown. But mine is/was/or so i thought at the time. Anyways.. we have lived together since last july/august. I got a job before i moved out there as supplemental income to my own business. That job was horrid but i stuck it out for about 8 months. Then i got sick, wasn't getting better so i quit that job, focused on my health and soon started feeling better and just focused on my own business which did okay fore a few months. Well the summer is a really slow time for me and it got rough and i slowly had no income coming in... My boyfriend started resenting me. It is tough to find jobs out here. It is literally the middle of NOWHERE. So until last month i had no other job but i did find one about 3 weeks ago. So anyways. During this unemployed time things were tense. I was depressed and my appearance started to go. Well my bf stopped caring about me i guess. He cheated on me with his ex wife. At first i did not know. Being depressed i was in a weird state of mind to not notice much. Well he started just being kinda sneaky and weird and spending long amounts of time in the bathroom.. so one day when we were out at a friends hanging out outside, the only place to sit was in his truck. He wasn't in it but he left his phone. And sometimes i think on purpose. Well i found txts and photos and videos of him and her. And i was just paralyzed and typing this right now almost immobilizes me just reflecting back on it. I was stunned. Didn't realize that i was so far gone yo him that he decided to sneak around with the woman he divorced. We drove home and i was so upset. I called him out on it. And he got angry at me. And i was like go be with her then. He said he didn't want to that he wanted to be with me. I have a hard time accepting that still and this was about 2 months ago. He claims it was just a stupid thing and he didn't know how it started and one thing lead to another... And now he goes out of his way to insult her like he's trying to prove he cares nothing for her.Well another twist is that we are buying a house. Rather, our lease was up, landlord was selling the place we are currently in and i suggested buying. Turns out only he is buying i'm not involved in any way other than paying exactly 1/2 of everything. During all this house buying stuff it's been really weird. He's been distant. Not talking about "us" just himself and the other day his brother called and i was asleep on the couch. Well i woke up when i heard the front door open b/c he went outside to talk and heard him saying that i was still around. I can only imagine what the other 1/2 of the convo was. And at one point mentioning my current job status and he not being a pay-for-everything type guy. I don't really know what to do obviously.. he always throws out there that if i made more money than him then he would love to stay home and do nothing.My bf is a really hard worker and is generous to everyone. But somehow has huge resentment towards me. I pay 1/2 of everything. I make 2/3 less money than he does so 100% of my money goes to him. No leftover. If anything i still owe him every month.I would just end it and move but i have no money no way to sell anything out here to get some and i have so much stuff. Literally i moved my entire life here to be with him. I don't know where to go. Or how to. I am truly in love with him but i feel so discarded and unwanted. At times i can almost see the waves of detachment flowing off him. Right now i'm afraid he is back to cheating. It just feels like it.Sorry for the long story it's just i've never told anyone because i have no friends or family to help me sort things so i just felt like spilling it all at once. I hope someone can give me some advice or encouragement.-thanks
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cheated on me, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, met online, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): Ok, I too moved to the "middle of no where" to be with my fiance to a very rural town with not much job prospects. My fiance, too, makes ALOT more money than me, FIVE times more than me. He directs a company. I was laid off, widowed young and then I sold my house because I was in a high tax state. I also am starting my own business online. Where he works it's company policy not to have husbands & wifes work there or dating of employees etc. so that is out for me.
Right now I am "lucky" if I have $100 in my wallet at the end of the monty by the time I get done with paying bills, etc. to him. He isn't like your boyfriend though in that you are PAYING HALF. It should be the percentage of what each of you earn to MAKE IT FAIR as Suze Orman says.
Here’s the fictional household setup that Suze presented as an example:
Partner #1 makes $7k/month.
Partner #2 makes $3k/month.
Household expenses total $3k/month.
In the case above, Suze would suggest that the bills be split 70/30, rather than 50/50. This way, each partner/spouse is responsible for an equal percentage of the bills rather than an equal dollar amount. They don’t earn equal dollar amounts, so they shouldn’t pay equal dollar amounts.
After all, paying $1,500 worth of bills (a 50/50 split) drains the $3k earner a lot more, percentage-wise, than it does the $7k earner.
Most of my money goes for Individual Health Insurance and it's a large monthly premium. The rest for groceries that we split. Still I am left with very little and I see him spending freely and I am getting resentful.
Just before I saw your question, I was muttering to myself that I need to make a lot more money and that I was tired of not having any, even if it means I must work two jobs to make up for being laid off. I had a nice job until they kicked us all to the curb due to the economy. I dearly miss my paycheck.
Listen, he CHEATED on you. That is a deal breaker right there and he is treating you like dirt.
DO NOT PURCHASE A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN. Do not get locked into a mortgage with him. Sit down and quietly get a plan together and get yourself out of that town. Move to a city that has jobs to offer, even if it is slinging hamburgers. Anything is better than what is happening to you right now.
Never move in with a man unless you have a Plan B if for some reason it doesn't work out. If I had to, I could by a home tomorrow. It would be nothing great. Being frugal, I would by a mobile home and bank the rest.
Find friends or family to help you move. Maybe you can stay with them temporarily until you know what direction you want to go. You got yourself there, you can get yourself out. I remind myself of that too. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just do it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Time to get the HECK out of Dodge, honey. I would look into finding a way home, where you CAN get a job and where you have friends/family nearby.
As for his cheating.. are you just going to SUCK that up and "forgive & forget"?
Sorry, I would NOT be paying for half if you have no part in owning that house.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Okay, listen really really closely, because while I know you're feeling this from the emotional standpoint, and I can't blame you, and I'm really sorry you got thrown under the bus, but you need to legally protect yourself.
First, you said "We are buying a house", right? That's not true as long as your name isn't on the deed or the mortgage. You need to demand it, OR, you need to be treated as a tenant. This means that it isn't assumed you're going to pay half the mortgage, because you're not getting half the equity in the place you're living in, right? You either get on the title, or he can pound sand with his expectations.
Also, where is your compensation for uprooting your life to be with him? Did he not push for this? Did he not eagerly lobby you to no longer be long distance? In this tough economic time, is he really honestly expecting you to gather references, network, and find a good job? You need time to establish roots, and you need a game plan to do it!
How much help has he given you to contact HIS friends in the area to put their feelers out for job opportunities? He's the one with the established roots...what's he done to help you, besides having sex with you?
You need to stand up for yourself here. If he's screwing around with his ex (is the divorce finalized??), then yeah, it's over. What about where you used to live? Do you have family and friends? I know that if my best friend got stranded across country with a jerk and she needed my help, I'd be there with a U-HAUL faster than you can say "cheating bastard", and I'd be ecstatic that my friend came to her senses and decided to leave!
Get your friends, relatives, whatever it takes, and get it done! Otherwise, like was said, get a part time job, save some money, do NOT give this guy a dime, and hire a moving company to get you out of there!
Also, you're not married, so if you don't have money, see what services your state offers in terms of SSI or food stamps to help you get back on your feet.
Time to stop thinking about how you'll be supported, and time to start thinking independently. And do not ever make arrangements to live with a guy unless YOUR name is on a lease or a mortgage/title deed. You are unbelievably and foolishly vulnerable if you ever neglect that.
Be ruthless and a survivor, and do what you must. Show him that he should have never made the mistake of underestimating the fire in you...ever again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): Hi. Wow sounds like you had a really tough time. I am so sorry to hear about that. It's sad because most people will become depressed at some point in their lives and then they will need people who cares about them the most. To be honest I can understand that you feel the way you do, but maybe you should focus on yourself and making sure that you are okay first. If you are in a new city/town, all on your own YOU should be your first priority. Go to the gym, find yourself a hobby, anything. The more settled you become in your own life and start to feel that you can contribute positively to someone else's life, your problems in your relationship may start to take a back seat. Maybe your boyfriend will wake up and realise that you are worth it to be treated with love and respect- if he doesn't I'm sure someone else will. Stay strong. x
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 You say you met this man through some mutual RL friends, therefore you must have SOME friends, and you must have some family members somewhere in the country? This relationship is over, and I would NOT buy a house with this man as I get the feeling he is allowing you to pay half of everything so he can afford to buy a house, but because you are not going to be involved he will be able to kick you out whenever he wants.
He clearly doesnt love you, clearly doesnt respect you and I think from the sounds of that conversation with his brother it sounds like he views you as a lodger and he is planning on you leaving soon.
You have to look at ways of getting out - I know you dont have any money but there must be a friend or family member who you can stay with short term. Can you look at getting your job back in the town you used to live in? Or are there other towns/cities where you have friends/family that you will be able to find work? As long as you can get yourself a job then you will have money, so staying with friends/family will only be short term until you get yourself back on your feet.
If you really dont have anyone to stay with at all anywhere in the country, then I suggest you need to get a job right now, ANY JOB at all. Even if it is working part time in McDonalds - money is money regardless of where it comes from. Get any job you can find and make sure you have a seperate bank account from your partner, get your wages paid into there and DO NOT give him any of the money. I know it might be hard to lower yourself to a crappy job but right now you need money to get out of this situation, so you cannot be fussy over the job you take. Save up enough for a deposit to rent a small place in whatever city you choose, and then move away and that's the end of it.
If your partner finds out you have a new job and asks for money, then you are going to have to tell him that you are leaving, this money is yours and you need it to pay for a deposit on a new place. He cant force you into giving him money, at the end of the day if it is in your bank account he has no right to it.
This relationship is over, there is no future to this and I think you are going to be kicked out any time soon when he has got his own house sorted using your money. Any normal relationship tries to help each other in hard times, not take advantage of the other person and abuse them. You shouldnt have to pay so much when you dont earn much money, if he has a comfortable salary he should want to help you out when you are struggling. That is what normal couples do - they help each other in times of need. Your partner is taking complete advantage of you and is abusing your good nature. If he had any ounce of care for you he wouldnt want to see you struggling and would understand that you are not being lazy, you cant find a job now you have moved to be with him an he would support you until you found a decent job.
Dont allow yourself to put up with this nasty little cheat anymore, you deserve better. Stop giving him money, save up for a deposit and get yourself out of there.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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