A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together for about nine years. When we broke up (about nine months ago) it was basically mutual. The relationship had become stagnant and we both needed to move on. To make it easier on me and to cut the possibility of ever getting back together with him or running into him with another girl, I picked up my life and moved home…...five hours away. We remained friends though (phone buddies). He knows about the guys I’m dating and he tells me about some girls he’s dating too. We’re OK with that because the distance between us is far enough where we will never run into each other with our new pals.I couple of days ago he called me up to tell me that he was in my town for the weekend and he didn’t call me. I wasn’t that upset about it but I asked him why he didn’t call me. Then the realization that he was probably visiting a girl hits me. I was pissed to say the least. I had picked up and moved five hours away to get away from this and now I feel like it followed me. He lives in a really big city so its not like there’s a lack of single women for him to date there (he’s dated a few since the break up). Does he really need to date someone who lives in my city? It’s five hours away for god sakes. Then I find out “she” hangs out at the same places I go to and they were there that weekend…he told me. He’s not from my city just has a friend or two here so it’s not like he comes here often. In fact, he may have visited here only a handful of times in the nine years that I’ve known him.We got into a really big argument about it. I feel like I’ve created a new life here and now he’s invading my comfort zone. I told him that if he hadn’t told me he was here, I would have never found out. Why did he tell me? According to him he felt “so guilty about it” that he just had to call me up and tell me. I had a melt down. I feel like the past is closing in on me. I mean, he knew it was difficult for me to leave all my friends, quit my job, leave that amazing city, but I did it because it was the best thing for the both of us. Now I feel like it was all for nothing. Now there is that possibility that he could be here all the time and I might run into THEM when I’m not ready to deal with it yet.Here’s my question for those of you who took the time to read this:1. Am I just being overly dramatic?2. What’s up with the “guilt”. If he feels guilty, doesn’t that mean that he knew what he did was wrong?3. Is it really asking a lot that he just stay away from here? I mean, if she really likes him a lot, then she will have no problem visiting him..4. Why did he feel he needed to tell me about it at all? Everyone knows “Ignorance is bliss”.
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male
reader, Viajante  +, writes (21 October 2010):
Oh, God, this sounds messy.
Respect for getting a new phone, great move!
Now I am positive you should cut contact with this guy.
Keep moving girl!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I'm going to give you a pat on the back for ignoring him for 3 weeks as well, then canceling your Facebook, and changing your number. Fantastic, for stepping it up and cutting it off.
How disrespectful for him to have a drunk girl call you at 3am, hello some people are in fact asleep at that hour.
I say your better off without his petty bullshit.
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A
male
reader, pup1234  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 i think he still loves you, but has know idea how to handle
it x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx again for all the advice. Just wanted to give you all an update. Everyday of no contact with my ex, I gave myself a pat in the back. Then after three weeks of no contact he left me a voice mail. He sounded really upset and said something about trying to respect my need for no contact but there was something really important he needed to talk to me about. Like an idiot I called him back and we got into a three hour long conversation. It was pretty much about how he missed me and how he missed having a girlfriend and how I should go visit him at his new apartment. Hummm, really!? i should go visit him after how many times he's been coming to my city to see everyone else and couldn't even phone me? I DON'T THINK SO! Then he started going on and on about what I did wrong to prompt him to break our relationship. I told him that he was right to end us. We weren't happy but at this point, ten months later, lets not revisit the breakup. He then accused me of having cheated on him and that's when the relationship went down hill. I did not cheat. He then went into how much he liked this girl that he's been dating. That's when I ended the conversation.A week later I called him to wish him a happy birthday and to tell him that my sister's wedding went well ( it happened to fall on the same day). He couldn't care less and didn't wish happy greetings to my sister. Later that night I got a call from his number ( at 3am in the morning). It was a drunk girl on the phone trying to talk to me. I can hear him laughing in the back ground. I called to yell at him the next day and he just laughed about it. Said he was drunk and said "what the F*** do you want from me? An apology? I didn't sleep with her." WHAT?? Yes i did want an apology......for the drunk girl who you let call me up using your phone in the middle of the night. What are we like in high school or something? I went out and got a new phone that day and needless to say he will not be getting my new number. I also cancelled my Facebook account....for now at least.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): I hope I'm not going to make you feel bad or make you reminisce on the past when you don't want to, but the first thing I thought was that he did it on purpose. It seems highly unlikely that he would pick someone somewhere 5 hours away when you are there, and you guys were close, and dated for 9 years, etc. It also seems weird that somehow he had started going to the places you hang out. I'm thinking you mentioned some of the places you hang out to him, and that's why he is going there.
The second thing I thought was that maybe he did this because he still likes you. Maybe it isn't about being a dick; maybe he just wants to be closer to you. And maybe (I repeat, maybe) he is doing it all subconsciously. I think he still likes you, or obviously he wouldn't be spending his energy doing something like this.
If he is doing it subconsciously, you really can't consider him an ass hole. But if he is doing it purposefully, then that's a little on the weird stalker side, and stay away. Any person who had any balls and who didn't want to make you feel bad would be straight up with you instead of pulling stuff like this.
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A
male
reader, Viajante +, writes (24 September 2010):
Life's a bitch. I'd say it's unlikely that he is dating someone from your area just to hurt you, but that's not impossible. They say one month for every year on average, so you guys are still in a tender zone. 3 months ago I finished a 4-year relationship (it was also mutual). But neither of us moved and we tried to stay friends. Within a week she was on a rebound and I realized it would be too painful to be in touch, so I decided to cut communication. People advised me that a rebound was a bad idea, so I decided to heal myself and I am very happy I took their advice.Focus on yourself and heal the hidden wounds you didn't know you had, that's the only way to move on.
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female
reader, Avalon +, writes (17 September 2010):
It may seem harsh, but, in my opinion, you are no longer together, and he is free to date anyone anywhere.
There's the possibility that he told you just to hurt you, but, you said yourself, you wouldn't have known if he hadn't told you...meaning, you didn't see him out and about with this girl. You didn't run in to them, you didn't have to see him with another girl...what's the problem?
He wasn't holding a gun to your head, forcing you to pack up and move away...you made that decision. Don't make it seem as though he is partially to blame for that. If you had the chance, would you date someone in the city he lives in? What if he found that an invasion of his 'comfort-zone?'
I don't mean to sound cruel...this is just my perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response. You’re right. I should never have let the friendship go there; where we COULD talk about our other pals. I should have follow the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. The issue isn’t so much that he’s dating other people though. I want him to move on and be happy. I just don’t want him to move on and be happy so close to where I am. I picked up and moved out of state for a reason. As they say “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. But does he really have to go fishing in my little pond?
So I’m going to follow your advices and initiate NO CONTACT. It’s time for me to completely remove myself from his life. If after nine years he can’t or doesn’t want to be considerate towards me and my feelings, then I have nothing to lose. What am I losing really? An ex who doesn’t give a shit? No big lost.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
"Don't ask, don't tell policy." as in you are not to talk about who you are seeing/dating and vice versa. That topic is forbidden. Sorry about not explaining it further.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
Here's where I would have applied the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. I admire how you guys have managed to stay friends after the break-up, but telling each other about your new dates or people you're seeing isn't such a great idea. Due to the fact that you guys were together 9 years, sharing stories or talking about dating someone new is such a thorn in your side. You're right he should have left out the fact he was coming into town, phone buddies is great but I don't think you're ready to face him. Maybe he felt like he had to tell you he was going to meet this girl since you share info about you dates..like you 2 have to report to each other. It probably won't last long, a 5 hour drive is quite a commitment. You can either continue to be phone buddies but apply the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Or you can cut off communication for good, but I doubt that's possible considering he's all you have known for 9 years, it would be very hard for you to completely write him out of your life.
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