A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't see how I can ever be happy. I LONG to be a wife and mom. I want it so badly that it breaks my heart. Realistically, I know that it can never happen because everyone knows that men aren't attracted to a woman who is over thirty. I'm intelligent, so I understand that no one will be interested and that I missed my chance, but I have tried and tried to get over it... but I just CAN'T. That Kool Aid garbage about how age/looks don't matter... why would anyone settle for me when they could have a 22-year-old? It would be counter to nature and I don't see how it could ever happen. Dating, marriage... it would have already happened by now if it were going to happen, right? I become more depressed every day because I missed the boat and it's breaking my heart. I know I need to get over wanting a husband but I want one so badly that it's breaking my heart more every day. Most of my friends are already married and I feel like I've been deserted and banished to this wasteland of loneliness. I feel like I have no value as a woman and that I missed my chance to have a life with meaning and purpose. I'm too old to have any dating or sexual market value and feel like I have no value as a woman because I'll never be a wife or mom.I dreamed of being a beautiful bride and I dreamed of my wedding day and how it would be, and every day my heart breaks for all those dreams that have died. Hypothetically speaking, even if I did get married I wouldn't be beautiful and the husband would just be settling for me; he won't really love me. I can't handle feeling like a disgusting old hag on my wedding day on top of everything else. I'm in tears as I write this. I cry myself to sleep every night. I have all this love in my heart and just want to explode because I have no one to give it to. I'm thirty something years old and my heart is breaking because my life is over before it even started. Will I get over it? How can my life have meaning now?
View related questions:
depressed, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 I think you may be depressed. For a woman who calls herself intelligent you are very down on yourself and you make men sound like all they are after is someone who is young and that is just not at all true. Honestly nobody here can help you, you need to talk to a professional about your problems and self hate. You are still young. But if you feel like this now your life won't be a happy one unless you make the change.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2017):
 " Realistically, I know that it can never happen because everyone knows that men aren't attracted to a woman who is over thirty."
Oh, is that so? I guess someone should tell my boyfriend, he must have missed that memo. And no, we didn't start dating until I was 31 already, so it's not like he knew me or dated me back when I was still under 30, hehe. Apparently, everyone doesn't know to not be attracted to women over 30....!
Why would anyone want a 22 year old when they can have a mature WOMAN and not a little girl? You need to aim at guys more in your own age group, I think. Look for a guy who is also over 30, if that's what you want. The last two guys I dated before I met my boyfriend were, btw, 24 and 28, so apparently not even 20-something year old guys got the memo to not be attracted to women over 30. My boyfriend is in his 30-ties also, and I am in fact the oldest woman he's dated, so apparently he CAN get them younger, but lookie-lookie, he preferred "old" me.
And I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I still look beautiful. More so now, than I was in my 20-ties, I personally think. Most graceful, more stylish, more maturity and a tad bit wiser. Personality reflects through your appearance. You can be "pretty" on the outside, yet still look like a b**ch in your 20-ties. So age does NOT equal beauty.
Look, sweetie, you need to love yourself before any man. It might be difficult to accept yourself, but you have to work on this first and foremost. Do not settle for any random man, just because you are a certain age. You are NEVER too old to not be beautiful, and never too old to find love. Life can not be planned, and while it might have been nice to get married young and have kids young, it is MUCH BETTER for all people involved, especially the children in question, to have mature parents who are dedicated to the marriage and each other, and who knows themselves, than to have parents who were too young and got divorced just as quickly as they were married.
Your life is not over. But your life can not be planned. It is a road that you discover when you walk it, you have to keep walking to see what is waiting for you up ahead.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): You are over 30, but not yet 40. Correct?You are still YOUNG. Please stop focussing on your age. You are young to many many people. And you still have time to meet a man, get married, and have children. Even if you are in your late 30s there is still time.I think it is your biological clock speaking here. When I was 47 my husband ran off with another woman. After that, I was single and on my own for many years and believed that I was too old to attract and meet a man. But then, when I was 55, I met a wonderful man by chance. We have been together for 2 years and are so happy.So, you see I was much older than you and I met a wonderful man. You can meet someone too. Get out there, join clubs, go internet dating, get interesting hobbies where you will meet someone.But, most importantly, think young. Because young is what you are. Do not, ever, think of yourself as old. All the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): I think you are overreacting and being too pessimistic. I am a 31-year old man and just got engaged to a woman who is 38. I happen to find her extremely attractive and intelligent.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 March 2017):
Listen hun, the average lifespan of a human being in the western world is 83. This means that at 35, you have not even come close to hitting the halfway mark yet. If you feel old now, you will feel old for most of your life. As a society we've gotten to this point where everyone wants to live life and get old, but be frozen in youth, like a vampire from an Anne Rice novel.
To make things worse, you have started to believe those 'fertility experts' that popped up, cautioning you that after 35, your window to have a kid is woosh, gone.
Yeah, I heard that too. What no-one ever told you is that this popular opinion is outdated, by....300 years. Yup, that's right: fertility statistics from the 1700's are still in use today, and yet somehow no-one stopped to wonder if what applied to women who lived in that time still applies today. (Or if those statistics really measure what we think they do).
Recent studies on women who are actually alive today say that your chances of conceiving a baby before you're 40 are still very good compared to when you're 30. The chances of having a child with abnormalities also isn't as big as often said, either. 40 is not even the final cut off date. http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24128176
So now we have the fertility window BS out of the way, can we please cancel this existential crisis?
Women don't suddenly stop being attractive when they get older. Sure, society says we're past our expiration date, but that's only because they don't want to lose us as cash cows for their beauty products. Hitting thirty for them means hitting the jackpot: you have more money than your 20-year-old version and now they get to sell you those $100 anti-wrinkle creams you used to scoff at. Age anxiety keeps the beauty industry running. I don't know about you, but the survival of the beauty industry is not high on my list of life priorities.
Plus, I've found that getting older has some advantages, one being not getting hunted by would-be-pedophiles anymore. Or in my early twenties, guys of my dad's age who "want friendship". When you get of that age where you're still physically on top but don't look like a babe in the woods, the creepy guys set their eyes on younger game. It's revolting, but true. The nasty layer of our society profits a lot by the toxic standards for women. Which is why I refuse to support it (and even the younger generations are starting to push back).
Basically, you are miserable while RIGHT NOW is the ideal age to look for a guy, because he too is getting older and hopefully more mature.
To quote one of my favorite movies, you have two options right now:
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." I know what my answer is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): Gosh, you really have a cynical attitude towards age and men!
You've decided for men that we don't like women over thirty. So that means even if you were married in your twenties, your husband would divorce you by the time you hit your thirties. You've got it all figured out!
If you've resigned yourself to spinsterhood, what can anyone say on this site that would really change your mind?
This has become such an ageist society, that it is really sad. People hate maturing, like we're all supposed to reach our 20's and stop there. Well some blessings come later in life for some of us. You refer to older women as hags? How harsh, coming from a woman!
If you've given up hope, then you won't bother to make yourself available. You've decided a bride over 30 isn't beautiful? Well, my dear, that's just your opinion. Not reality. That's how you feel about aging women, don't blame us men for that. You didn't become a wife or mom when you believe you should have. Well maybe it really isn't your time yet!
Sometimes fate, divine intervention, and destiny decides when the time is best. Perhaps your defeatist attitude and poor opinion of men have closed doors for you. Men didn't do that.
You've taken it upon yourself to bitterly lump all men in the same pile, and that's that? How can a man desire a woman who has such a negative opinion of us? Who thinks we're only settling if we take on a woman over 30 to be a wife. WOW!!!
Love is evasive, so you have to be visible and available for single and available prospects to even know you exist. You have to have self-love before you expect love to come from anyplace else. Embrace your age, your looks, and life itself. Being married and having children simply may come to you later in life; and envying the lives of others is a waste of energy and totally futile. It always looks better from the outside looking in. So many young women wish they could have waited. They wish they had more maturity and experience before taking on marriage and motherhood. So they fail at one, or both.
If you give-up so easily when things don't go your way, how will you handle being a wife and mother? You have to have a better outlook on life than that, my dear. Don't give-in to all the cynicism and self-doubting; because the devil is lying to you, sweetheart.
Until you feel complete and strong as an independent woman; you will not project the right vibes. You will isolate yourself and shut-down your feelings, and will not allow the blessings to come to you that you truly want and deserve.
What effort have you really made to meet eligible men? Are you just sitting around waiting for someone to just show-up at your door?
You really have to make some effort to date; which may mean going public. Get out and mingle with singles. Attend parades, concerts, and public events. Travel. Volunteer your time to help the less fortunate. You're single, you have plenty of time to use in good ways. Who knows who you'll meet? A giving man with a kind and generous heart would make the best husband and father.
If you worship, attend get-togethers after service. Join a gym. Workout and keep in shape. Flaunt your assets and be proud of your health and appearance. Women look great up to their 70's and older; if they care enough to take care of themselves.
Don't try to think for men, think for yourself. You're not a man, so you can't think like one. You have no right to tell us what we want and think. Blaming us because you didn't get what you want when you wanted it; or when it should have happened for you.
There are a series of events that lead-up to everything that happens in our individual lives. There is a point when a major event is scheduled by destiny. Some things just happen, and some we cause to happen. Our responsibility in life, is to be prepared. That's what that time alone is for.
If you don't have the right attitude about life; blessings come very slowly, my dear. Because you plug them up due to a lack of faith, and a negative-attitude. Hopelessness because you feel so entitled that things should happen instantly; or you should throw a tantrum and be hateful, like a spoiled brat who was denied a cookie.
If you are as loving as you say, it is inevitable that love will reward you.
You must always be grateful and thankful for life. It's a gift. It's too short. You make the best of what you have, do good for and to others; and always carry hope in your heart. Love finds its way to you when you least expect it. It's all the better when it does, because you didn't think it could happen. Some things just don't happen on demand! That's life.
Have hope, a little faith, and it will all happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): I felt like you did. All my friends were married. Most had kids. I was alone and single. At 33 I met someone. Two years later we're married with a baby. Things move faster at our age. You have to get out there. You won't meet anyone at home crying on your sofa. So do online dating. It's a way of meeting new people. Saynyes to every invitation to go. Ask friends to go out to new places. Try a new hobby. Join a gym. And go. U will meet women in the classes and get chatting. Maybe they have a single friend. Hi fit and healthy. Go to the makeup counters at the mall and get some makeovers. Get your hair redone. Ask at the bug department stores or top shop about their personal stylists. They're usually free. Update your look. Get a new haircut. You'll feel more confident. It sounds like u are stuck in a rut and depressed and u need to drag yourself out of it. Only u can do this. I know it's so discouraging and disheartening when you keep trying and hoping and you remain single. But it will happen. You will er there. Start by improving your outlook. And even if u don't feel positive fake it to start. People enjoy sep ding time with happy people .
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 March 2017):
 You really need therapy, OP - this is so irrational and *you* are holding yourself back, not your age or appearance.
You're not "old" until you're in your 60s and you're never too old to find love and marriage.
Before you date, you *must* sort your mind out. Seek professional help to bring you back to reality. You are not too old. You don't need to be coddled; you need to be gently, but firmly helped into seeing life for what it is, not your warped views.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): Are you for real? You are depressed and you should get help. I'm 40 divorced with a kid. I have started dating. Do you know how many good cases I have turned down because I am picky! 2 months dating an amazing guy and he said last night his intentions is to marry me but he doesn't want to scare me. I didn't have a wedding on my first marriage. He asked me how was my wedding and I said I didn't have it. He was surprised and said this time you must have it! I want to have one more kid too. You shouldn't think this way. You are young and have many opportunities. Just start dating and be positive. You will find a right person. Just don't waste time, in my experience if someone is serious you will find out soon regardless of all dating rules! Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): Some how you have believed your value is associated with your age so that with every passing year your shelf life decreases and you are destined to fail!
Somehow you have started to believe that this is reality so that any 22yr old is always a better option than any 30 yr old.
Well thats the kind of craps that pimps teach.
I mean who wouldnt prefer a 22yr old crack addict compared to a 30 yr old one?
Not saying your a crack addict of course but you are undervaluing yourself quite badly.
Relationships are about how people interact and treat each other so in effect you shouldnt see yourself as a shagbag that noone wants, which is why you need therapy.
It would be useful to you to know why you believe you have little value and understand that you have a lot to offer in a relationship once you can abandon the blanket of despair that engulfs you.
Dont take it too personally.
We all think at times that we are totally washed up.
I was having a conversation exactly similar to this ..about the peak times in our lives when we think its all over and never going to happen ever and then the next ten years arrive and knock you out all over again!
Maybe you are an eleventh hour sufferer..I know I am...and you get peak despair just before change.
Im not sure if thats the official term for it but its based on the theory of the night watchman waiting for the dawn when he can clearly see the vista and just before the dawn breaks he feels utter despair and believes the day will never break.
And then slowly it does.
And there is a future.
And you can see it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 March 2017):
 Sweetheart, you are 35 (at most), not 95! What is this boat you feel you have missed?
Well done for knowing what you actually want in life. Many people never get a clear vision of what they want. Now all you have to do is set about achieving that. It is not going to fall into your lap. You have to go out and find it.
Are you actively looking for men to date? If not, then you need to start. I believe internet dating is where it is at these days. Be honest from the start about what you are looking for but, equally, do not rush into a relationship which does not feel right just so that you don't miss a chance.
As for someone "settling" for you, will YOU feel like you are "settling" for them when you get married? Of course you won't. Now wash off all that self pity, get a smart new hair cut (always guaranteed to make you feel better), invest in a nice wardrobe of going out clothes and go out and find what you are looking for.
HUGS.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 March 2017):
I don't mean to sound harsh but I think a few answers on dear Cupid won't help you; you need therapy. I'm a relatively handsome 39 year old man and I find woman in their 30's to be ideal. I've heard a number of other guys say this too. In fact, to use your example, I would never consider a 22 year old woman. Not interested. If you've never had luck at dating there could be other issues, but it's definitely not your age. Yes, there are less single people in their 30's, but in no way is it going to prevent you from fulfilling your dreams. If you think I'm just blowing smoke that's unfortunate...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): hello, dry those weeping eyes. Mighty of fact god will. I am a 71yrs.old mother, grandmother and great, great grist mill have clean fun and I am not lonely. You must feel good about yourself. Before someone else can care about you. Don’t ever let your self-esteem get that low. God made you unite, just for the right man to hold, love and cherish to death do us part. A person can feel your vibes. They know if you don't love yourself. You may not be cable of loving them. It just may not be your season. Keep your heart pure. Mr. Right will find you. Get ready, he’s on the way. Who knows we might be on a double data flow!!!love you!!! always remember as long as you have breath. You do have a chance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): You are definitely not too old to start a life with a person in your life. But you are way too tough and judgemental about you to attract a guy at the moment.Amal Clooney is 39 and she married at 36. Seems to be working for her at the moment.Many couples (ordinary people as well as celebrities) are waiting until 40 to get married and have children.Working with children and caring for other people's children is a great way to satisfy the joy of interacting with children. Can you seek out work where you will be working with children? There are some very nice single Dads out there in the world who have sole care of their children. Would you be willing to be a dual step parent to older children and have a natural child with your husband if you did marry in the next 2 or 3 years?I suggest that you do some work on your own attitude to what is possible, as opposed to what is not possible in your view, at the moment.Get some books from the library on the Power of positive thinking and on Emotional Intelligence.A happy positive can-do attitude is a whole lot more enticing that a negative this-cannot-work attitude.If you are feeling very depressed about your situation then do speak to your doctor and do make sure that you get the counselling that will help you get over this bump in the road that is blocking the happiness that is out there waiting for you to recognise things that will be good for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (5 March 2017):
Gee you are really hard on yourself aren't you .. your not over the hill to start wanting a partner . Maybe your looking in all the wrong places .. clubs and pubs will be more lusty guys looking at young stuff .. doesn't mean because your 30 ish your a hag or has been you have more to offer than those girls .. your a polished young women so get a lbd and some nice but not over too jewellery and work it .
Maybe try online dating for a bit but you will still get chads there like in your pub but be more selective of who you want to be with .
I was late 30s when I had my second middle daughter and 40s for my last don't worry you still have time .
Stop bashing yourself .. come have a cuppa .. if you wish message me and I will answer no matter when . Don't underestimate yourself .. dry those pretty eyes and let's look at how it can be more whole for you .
...............................
|
