A
female
age
26-29,
*Tzimisce.
writes:About 2 months ago I felt an instant attraction towards someone at my local gym and I know he felt the same way because we were literally staring at each other longer than necessary. Anyway I screwed up because he said hi to me one time and I thought he was waaaay too out of my league (he has all the girls liking him). I got shy and walked away and he didn't take that too well. As I said it's been 2 months, he still notices me when I go to the gym (glances at me from a distance) but every time I go to smile at him he avoids looking at me (even though he looks at me when I'm not looking). He walks around the gym at a distance and takes afew glances every now and again at me. But I'm trying not to overthink it.Today I was staring at him trying to catch his attention so I could smile and wave but he, again, avoided looking at me. He still goes at the same time to the gym as I do (always!) so I don't know what to think.I feel like giving up on him because its so emotionally taxing, I missed an opportunity to say hi and I'll never get the same opportunity ever again. I don't know what to do, he literally doesn't look at me when I look at him, he gets extremely tense around me ... help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018): I don't think you have to make yourself "less intimidating." Be yourself, but the adult-self.
Next time the guy is in close proximity and within earshot. Simply say hello upon eye-contact! That is the most effective ice-breaker I know.
"You spoke awhile back and it just didn't seem to register at the time. I've got this thing where shyness makes me freeze. I hope I didn't seem rude." That's an opening. Then let him take it from there.
After an attempt to break the ice; and he continues to play the silly game. It is likely he is keeping it cool; because he does have a girlfriend. Maybe he isn't intimidated at all, and just trying to behave himself.
This can go on for ages. At some point you need to stop.
Maybe he does have a girlfriend or wife, and figures you know; because someone told you. Thus, you don't speak to him.
A
female
reader, .Tzimisce. +, writes (17 March 2018):
.Tzimisce. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone and thanks everyone for your responses! :)
I had a good giggle because it really is a childish game between us! And it's really annoying! I'm 20 and his 22 years old. I know his is interested in me but his very intimidated by me now all because of the first time he said 'hi' to me. At first ... I was intimidated by him! But I see now his also human as well; which makes me feel at ease so now I need to try and do something to break the ice. When I look at him I just get hurt when he doesn't look back, I feel so inadequate.
'Emotional taxing' meaning I have GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder); I tend to excessive worry and overthink everything for months upon months ... hopefully you can empathise with me! But this is not the point.
How do you think I should make myself less intimidating to him besides talking to him and smiling at him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): Sorry to burst your bubble sweetie but he knows you have a crush on him. I am sure it's about as obvious as flying a billboard in the sky over him saying I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU!!
When a guy likes a woman and really wants her, he WILL go after her. They just do this instinctively. They are hunters.
If he has not made any advances, it means he is not interested. And may have reservations.
Consider yourself lucky!
And you should get these ideas out of your head and find yourself another guy. One who is not a meathead at the gym who is arrogant and is surrounded by women who are like puppy dogs. He would just use you and throw you away and your broken heart would take forever to mend.
I was in your shoes once. I worked at a dating service in my 20's and I had this huge crush on the VP of the company. He was a body builder with a FAKE tan! He sure did think a lot of himself. I was the receptionist there. He would stare at me and say cute things. He would pay attention. Even asked me if I was dating anyone. His friends who also worked there told me he is NOT the guy for me! They knew something I didn't know! And they were being real gentlemen to me by steering me away from him! He must have been quite the lady's man who would have hurt me badly. Thank goodness for guys like that. Or I would have really been badly off. I crushed on him HARD!
Moral of the story? We women like our little fairy tales and let ourselves be carried away by our emotions. Reality is something altogether different. We realize that once the mistakes are made and we are taken advantage of!
The end advice is simple: Stay away! Distract yourself and get yourself a life away from the gym and this guy.
Crushes do fade away. You will see.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): This behavior is what you'd expect from a couple of nine year-olds. Staring and looking away. Crushing and mushing!
CUT IT OUT, WILL YA!!!
Nobody's out of your league; although, they may not be a good match. That's how you look at. If he's in his mid to late 20's, he might be a little old for you. If you're so shy, you're not ready for older-guys yet!
Young lady, you march yourself right over there and say hello! Just to break the ice, and put an end to this silly game. He may never ask you for a date, but at least the weird stare-off contest will come to a halt!!!
"Sorry I walked away last-time, my shyness sometimes gets in the way!"
Keep this in-mind, checking you out doesn't mean anything accept someone may find you attractive. He may have a girlfriend. There's a reason he's keeping his distance.
People also stare back if they feel your eyes creepily locked on them.
He hasn't approached you because some gyms have a strict policy about patrons harassing other patrons. Just saying hello is fine. He may realize you're too young.
WARNING: If he's over-popular with the ladies, I recommend giving him a pass. If you haven't overcome your shyness, you would only be easy prey for a player!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 March 2018):
 Emotionally taxing? Seriously?
From what youve described you're looking at each other in the gym.
Just SPEAK to him, you're an adult. This sounds like a child's post.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (17 March 2018):
Seriously, you are winding yourself up for nothing. Just go up to him and ask him for a drink or a coffee. Is the possibility that he'll say no worse than all this posturing and uncertainty. The sting of rejection is acute but short lived. Anyway it'd be his loss and you can ignore him safe in the knowledge he is not interested. There is calm in certainty. Can you honestly say this looking and hoping is preferable to a short swift no? Anyway, it could very well be a yes!
One of the effects of the new awareness of harassment of women by men is that good, aware men are very unlikely to persist if they have been rejected once. It's up to women to take up the slack. You need to step up. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2018): Just be honest with him. Pluck up the courage to go and speak to him directly and explain. Just say "I'm sorry I don't say 'hi' I'm actually really shy and I've had to pluck up all my courage to come and apologise. I just get really tongue-tied, especially around guys, I'm sorry".
That's all it will take.
Bottom line - you were rude (by accident, but still rude), and he feels idiotic and confused. This is your ONLY chance of repairing this situation - staring at him and trying to smile won't work, you must take this risk and be direct. He may not initially respond really well and may just say "oh, ok" but this is only because he needs time to process what you've said and he won't want to get into some embarrassing situation immediately, where you start discussing feelings.
Guys can be incredibly forgiving once they know what women are actually thinking, but they usually hate women playing games - and right now, he is probably thinking that you are a game player.
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